Sometimes I am just so angry and sad (total vent)

mrsolsenk12

This is a poor me vent and I just need to get it out somewhere. I know no one can make what i feel go away so I don't expect anyone to cure me or anything.

IF is so dam unfair. Why do all of us have to struggle and why do others of us have to struggle more? I love that so many people have surprise BFP's but it is so hard for me knowing that I will never be one of them. Never will have have sex with my husband and think "maybe we concieved a child". I am terrified to do IVF again and that it won't work and we will never have another child. I know that some people are happy with just having 1 child but not me. I know we are meant to have more and why do we have to spend $10,000 to make this even a possiblity. I hate that money affects my family. I am not saying I want 2 under 2 but I would love to be able to try again this fall but sadly, the money is not there. It will be 2 more YEARS at least until we have the money but it could be longer than that. I love all the women on this board but it is so hard for me to see so many women I was pregnant with, who are pregnant again and know that I will not be one of them. I worry that having such a large gap (4-5 years) between Hayden and a sibling will affect their relationship. I was closer in age with my siblings and we were so close. DH is 3 years older than his sister and they are close as well. I feel like I am depriving him the chance to have a close relationship with a sibling because I am broken. My body knows what to do but lacks the proper connections to make it work.

I don't know why all of this is hitting me now but today is just a "I am feeling sorry for myself day". Maybe it is that we are getting ready to celebrate Hayden's last "first" holiday and that his 1st birthday is looming closer and closer. Thanks for listening to my vent. I just needed to get that off of my chest. Maybe now I can hopefully move on from it and accept the way that things are.

trilady2

HUGS to you. I recognize much of what you have written here. I just wanted you to know you are not alone.

madhatter2003

Hugs.

Knowing something and accepting it are two very different things. Acceptance is much much harder.

firsttogo

I am going to reply, but I don't want to make it worse for you. IF sucks plain and simple. It is not fair, and having a child should be a right. Not something you should have to beg, plead and pay for.

You do have to remember that your family is and will be perfect however it turns out. Hayden will love a sibling whenever that happens. A 4-5 year age gap is just fine. There are a lot of things that can be said for such a gap. 

They will each have time to be appreciated in their own age level. Not like "good for you honey, that was as great as Hayden's last year" sort of thing.  You will have time to treasure each baby stage for all of your children without the fear of ignoring the other. I know that nothing will "cure" this feeling for you, but not having children close together can have some very nice perks too. You will have more!

DavezWife

I am sooooo having one of those days, too.

FWIW, I always wanted kids close together, b/c me and my brothers are 4/10 yrs apart. Each month that went by was another sting that I won't have "Irish Twins."  Now that I need to make peace with the fact that Ava WILL be at least 3 yrs older than any sib (unless we adopt, lol) I have started to see the GOOD in it. She'll be able to help me. She'll "get" what an honor it is to have a younger sibling to care for. Did I mention she can help! lol.

And I will say that although my brothers and I were not super close growing up, I have a nice relationship with (one of them) now. The age does not matter so much now that we're in the same place (house, job, kids, etc)

But yea. HUGZ. I get it.

 

krissyh21

I am sorry you are going through this. I know how you feel with the sting. I will never be aboe to afford IVF again, I am 38 now so the likelyhood of becoming pregnant on my own is slim to none. I always wanted a large family, at least 3 kids. Everytime Dillon has a first, I think to myself this is the first and last time I get to see this and it is bittersweet. I am sure come time for his first birthday it will be even harder.

As for the closeness of age, I was never close to my sister who is 2 years older then me - I cramped her style in middle school and high school lol. I was closer to my sister who was 13 years younger then me, still am. So age does not always affect closeness.

kme930

(((hugs))) I understand how you feel and am certain I will know it exactly in a year or so. Hang in there. IF is unfair and it totally sucks.

happytracy

You are not alone.  I'm sorry you are having a bad day.  FU IF.

jmkatz

I'm so sorry you're having a rough day.  (((hugs)))

mrsolsenk12

Thanks ladies. I have been sitting here crying reading some of your responses. Today is just a bad day for me.

PhillySue

((Hugs)) IF really sucks. I wish I had something to say that would make you feel better! I posted last week about having baby fever.  I am so ready for Katie to have a sibling too because like you mentioned 1st birthdays are right around the corner.  Hopefully we are going to be able to move forward with a FET in a few months.  I really would like my kids to be close in age and I hate that everything is so unknown because even if we do the FET or another IVF there is really no guaruntee it will work. I hope you feel better. 

dundasgirl

I am sorry you are in that situation with your IF.  I want more kids but don't know if it is in our future either even though I had a surprise BFP last year.  Finances play a big part for us too.

Vent away girlfriend.