Need honest advice please

babysANGL

First off, please no flames for this post.  I'm just really feeling down right now and don't really know how to put my emotions aside.  DH and I discussed before we got married that we wanted 4 children.  It was something I had always dreamed about as a child.  I was an only child and envied everyone who had siblings that they could grow up with and huge family get togethers.  Then after DD was born, we decided that we wanted to be able to afford to put our kids through college, and that we would try for 3 children, given that I was able to get pregnant.  DH was in a great job and then we got pregnant with DS.  Before DS was born, DH got laid off...literally less than a month before he was born.  But when there's a will, there's a way.  DH was able to find side worked and we made everything work.  He is now in the process of getting into the whole fire academy and I have landed myself a great job, which I have been at for close to a year now.  The benefits are amazing and we have talked about ttc #3 at the end of the year on in the beginning of next year after I get my next promotion.  Just this last weekend, out of the blue, dh told me that he wanted to get a vasectomy because he felt that we could never be able to handle a third child.  First off, I don't feel that in his 20s, he should even be making this rash of a decision.  I don't want to force him into having a third, even though we were still 9 months away from ttc, but I feel like it's his way or the highway.  I've tried talking to him, but there's no buzzing and I don't know if any of you ladies have ever felt this way, but I feel as if I'm mourning the loss of a third child that I never even had.  For some reason, I feel like I would feel much differently if when I had DS, I would have known that he was my last.  Any advice?  Am I in the wrong to be hurt?  I do feel extremely blessed for the two I have btw.

EMT

Hi there!

We are sort of in the same boat. I want #3, DH doesn't. I have decided that this is not a decision that I want to push him (well push him too hard) into. I tend to be the spontaneous one and he is the opposite so he needs a bit of a push to do ANYTHING.  I think when I am ready, if all the other circumstances fall into place, then I could probably convince him easily. But, if he doesn't come around, I won't push it too hard.

That said, I don't think you are wrong from "mourning the loss" of the possibility of having 3. I think that is natural. Nor is he wrong for wanting only 2.

Could you do some sort of semi-permanent BC (i.e. IUD) or something to see how you both feel in a few years?

 

 

babysANGL

Oh my gosh...your kids just keep getting cuter and cuter!  I know you were talking about wanting #3 awhile back.  How do you feel about spacing the third so far apart?  I really wanted to have them close in age.  I figured we had kids young, and would really like to have an empty nest at an early age so that we could travel.  It's just tough when your plans are thrown all out of whack and then I feel so guilty at the same time knowing that I am so blessed to have the two wonderful babies I have.  It's just been a really tough weekend.

 On a side note, when can we get the kiddos together.  I know they would have a blast.  Weekends work the best for me.  We could possibly do a beach day or BBQ.  What do you think? 

ali-1411

DH and I are in a similar position.  I think I maybe want 3, he is done with 2.  We've decided to put it off for a year of two.  We're not going to talk about it or even think about it until our youngest is almost 3 years old.  Then we'll see how we feel.

I agree with pp, get on birth control or Mirena or something so that you don't worry about getting pregnant in the meantime.

Mrs.Tony

Same boat here. I would never push my DH into a third but I am very sad at the thought of being done. There are many reasons why we shouldn't have another (needing fertility treatments, our schedules and my  mom babysits so it's hard to add another child, etc.). He would be all set to get a vasectomy but I have asked him to wait. He agreed but I am pretty sure we are done with the two blessings we have.

jerseygirly

My DH always wanted 2 and I always wanted 3.  I wasn't mentally prepared with my second DS for it to be my last of everything so I totally get your mourning the third.  You  never got closure.  I didn't push DH but the time came when it was now or never and I brought it up again.  We really took the time to talk about pro's and con's and what would happen if we didn't and then down the road he changed his mind and we were out of baby mode etc. etc.  We finally decided (together) that having a third would be tough (as any new baby) but each child has only made us stronger and we knew that together, we could do it!  On the agreement that going into it, we knew it was our last.  Almost immediately after discussing it, I was pregnant and my DH surprised even himself with how excited he was to find out.  You might regret not having the 3rd child down the road but you'll never regret having him/her.  Everyone's situation is different (emotionally/mentally/financially).  My advice would be to share how your feel about having a third and really really discuss it with him.  you don't need to make a decision right now, give him time to let it sit in and really think about it from all aspects ( and you do the same too ).  I told my DH that even I wasn't sure about a 3rd and that's why I wanted so desperately to discuss it to the max but I did feel that it was now or never and that we needed to make that decision together.  I can say that knowing that this is my last child, I'm finding closure with each step of my pregnancy and I'm in no rush.  Good luck

Angela814

I'm pregnant with #2, and I'm already fairly certain that I want a 3rd. DH says 2 is enough. I understand mourning not being able to have a 3rd child, especially since it sounds so important to you. Really, it seems like your DH changed his mind pretty suddenly if at some point he also wanted a 3rd or even 4th child. I'd say this is something you really need to sit down and have a long discussion about. In the mean time, I also agree that permanent birth control is too big of a step. There must be something else you could do until you're both on board with whatever decision you make.

EMT

having trouble responding on Iphone and laptop just died :(I'm totally up for beach! next two weeks aren't real good for me. Email me