Vent (not sure about whom) — The Bump
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Vent (not sure about whom)

I don't know if its about my mom, or my sister who is a g-d ***, or about my moms doctors.  

So you all know my mom is not fit to take care of herself.  But yet she lives alone in senior housing.   She has a home health aid who comes 2x a week. She also has a therapist who comes to her home 1x a week.   And an army of doctors. 

My mom tells me this weekend that she has been having trouble urinating for about 4 weeks now and hasn't told anyone because she had hoped that it meant her kidneys were shutting down and she was afraid that a doctor would just put her on dialysis.   So I am frustrated that she would 1) not tell anyone and 2) that if a doctor wanted to do something she was not comfortable with, she would just let them prescribe whatever treatment, medication, surgery, whatever without voicing any concerns, much less get a second opinion.    And I tell my sister who takes her to her doctors appts about it and she whines that "oh great, so that's another appt I have to get her in for."

Then she told me that two weeks ago, she told her therapist that she'd spent the entire weekend trying to work up the courage to take all her pills.    Did the therapist call a psychiatrist?  No.  Recommend hopsitalization?  No.   Inform any of my mothers children?   No.   What did she do?   She called out last Monday, instead of following up with a woman who a week ago admitted to being suicidal.   She is due to see my mom today at 3.  She better show.   

So I tell my sister about that, and to PLEASE get my mother to a psychiatrist and she bemoans the fact that "oh here we go again with another suicide threat that she doesn't mean.  I have to worry about her, etc, etc."    

I don't know what to do.  I don't want to step on toes and call my moms doctors.  I don't know if I should bring my mom down here to live with me, but I don't think I can do that given the fact that I am about to have a second baby and also she would drive me friggen bonkers.   Plus changing all her doctors, health care, etc would be a complete undertaking.   And not to mention I don't even think she'd WANT to come down here.  

So what do I do?   Vent I guess.   Its all I can do.   Bless you if you've made it this far.    

 

Re: Vent (not sure about whom)

  • I am no help but wanted to send you big ((HUGS))!  

    I'm sorry you are having to deal with all of this.  I know that your sister is probably feeling overwhelmed at all that she has to do to take care of your mother.  She probably wishes that you were the one doing it, but still, she needs to accept that you have valid concerns and your mother's best interests in mind.  Unfortunately, if you want things done your way then the best option is to bring your mother down here so that you can take care of everything.  I can totally 100% see why that might be too much for you at this point, though.  Maybe have a talk with your sister and see if there is anything you can do to help from here since she seems overwhelmed?  Sorry, like I said, I'm not much help but I do sympathize!

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  • Caring for adult loved ones is EXTREMELY stressful and rips families apart.  I have some first hand experience with this myself.  You and your sister need to agree on what is the best option for everybody and follow through.  Can your mother afford assisted living?  Might be worth looking into.
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  • Ditto everything MrsKLB said.

    Also, I'm so sorry you and your family are going through this. I have seen my Mom and Dad go through this with their Moms and brothers and sisters. I always imagine it will be something my brother and sister and I go through someday. I can't imagine how hard it is to go through now at the age where you are also raising a young family. (((HUGS))) to you.

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  • Gosh Michelle I am so sorry. Hugs. 


  • I should say that all 5 of us kids are a part of this.   Yes, Marie has the physical burden of being there.  But we all do our part in whatever capacity we can.    Between us not there, we manage her finances, do all her filing, fill out all paperwork, make all the phone calls.    Marie takes her to all her appts and deals with the "there" stuff. 

    Yeah, she's burnt out.   She's tired.  But we do a lot to take care of her as a thank you too.    My mom pays for her car and insurance.   We bought her a washer and dryer because basically my sister is broke and we wanted to do something to thank her for all she does for mom.

    But she made her bed.  If she's unhappy with her life, she needs to change it, instead of being an insufferable beyotch.  

  • imageMLvK:

    I should say that all 5 of us kids are a part of this.   Yes, Marie has the physical burden of being there.  But we all do our part in whatever capacity we can.    Between us not there, we manage her finances, do all her filing, fill out all paperwork, make all the phone calls.    Marie takes her to all her appts and deals with the "there" stuff. 

    Yeah, she's burnt out.   She's tired.  But we do a lot to take care of her as a thank you too.    My mom pays for her car and insurance.   We bought her a washer and dryer because basically my sister is broke and we wanted to do something to thank her for all she does for mom.

    But she made her bed.  If she's unhappy with her life, she needs to change it, instead of being an insufferable beyotch.  

    Yuck!  I totally see your point and she really shouldn't complain so much if she is getting a lot in return for her "trouble".  Unfortunately you still have to deal with her to take care of your mother so I hope you can figure something out where you know your mother is getting what she needs.  Good luck! 

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  • I am sorry.  That is a tough situation for you to be in.  Can your mom go somewhere where she recieves more care, so that your sister doesn't need to be responsible for all the appointments?  Hope it gets better and vent away!
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  • I'm sorry you're having to deal with this.   I'm sorry I don't have any adivce but it sounds like you know there is no magic fix and that it's a crappy situation all around.  I doubt moving your mom down here would fix anything and rather just shift the trouble south.  If the doctor doesn't show today I would definitely call.
  • I think if you can get your mom in assisted living it will ease up the load. However from my experience, they still don't do everything and you need to take them to the doctor appts, etc.  Its just they are constantly monitored so you know when they stop eating and other stuff they might not tell you about.

    Its very hard being the caregiver because at some point you lose the role you were born into child.  I know its a hard situation on everyone.  My sister really got burned out and its easy to become bitter about things and resentful....been there.  Hugs to you, if you ever need to talk, you know how to reach me.

  • kepkep member
    I am so sorry, Michelle. It's hard being so far away. My mother was diagnosed with dementia earlier this year. I have been going to TN to spend time with her and to help out when I can. It's difficult, but worth it. ((HUGS)) It's a tough situation, and I am glad you have siblings to help share the load.
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  • I think the only way to relieve your sister is to pay for a part-time caregiver. That, in and of itself, is a very mixed bag; BUT you wouldn't have the emotional component involved. And because they're not related, they won't be offended easily and could probably put up with your mom's issues/hangups better. Also, they'll be very inclined to rat your mom out to you, their employer.

    But I know that involves a whole different level of financial involvement, not to mention the logistics of vetting and hiring a caregiver.

    Nothing is going to be ideal. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this so far away. I don't think you're stepping on toes at all by calling her doctors. They'll be the ones to tell you if they can or can't talk to you. Is there anything you can do regarding Power of Attorney? I would say with her established track record in mind, it should be a pretty easy case to have a conservatorship established. 

     

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  • That is a lot to have on your mind. I have no advice and I wish I did. I think I would call the doctors if I were you. There is no such thing as overstepping boundaries when it comes to your moms care.
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  • That sounds so stressful, and I'm sorry you have to deal with this at this point in your life (while raising your own young family).  I don't have any advice, but you are in my thoughts!
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