I can't help but worry (Vent) — The Bump
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I can't help but worry (Vent)

LO's father has custody of his 9 year old daughter. Her mother is never allowed to see her again. Her mother was smothering her to get her to go to sleep. Part of the story is here http://news14.com/charlotte-news-104-content/top_stories/?ArID=6606   They later ruled her 8 1/2 month old son's death in 1996 was a homicide, but she couldn't be charged because they has no evidence proving she did it.

I've searched everywhere online and can not find one source that says my ex was questioned by police. I can't help but wonder why? They were married, lived together, and he didn't work at night. From what he described his ex wife tried to smother their child multiple times. How could he have not known? That question keeps me up every single night. How could he have not walked in on her doing it. Maybe he had done it a time or two.

I'm so afraid that he was in on it and that he may do it to LO. I don't understand why the police never questioned him. Ex told me that he didn't find out that they caught her until a bunch of news reporters showed up at his door. That would give him enough time to come up with a story as to why he didn't know she was doing it, while he drove back to the hospital. Watching him with his daughter is SCARY! He can't stand to hear her cry. It's so weird. He will not tell her "no." Ever. If she starts crying he drops everything and buys her a new toy, video game, clothes, takes her out to eat, whatever it takes to get her to stop crying that very second he does. She's 9 years old! She's almost in middle school!!! I don't understand why he can't stand hearing her cry. Does it drive him crazy? Does it make him want to smother her to shut her up?

I'm so afraid that I can not keep him from being alone with LO. I plan on bringing it up in court, but the thought of having to leave LO with a guy that's done nothing but lie to me and was married to a baby killer scares me to no end. He still hasn't called or even seen LO. He doesn't even know when LO was born. He changed his number months ago! I told him I wanted to get to know him better before LO was born and he got distant. VERY distant. Before I knew it the only time we talked was for him to tell me about the random chick he met offline that came over to his apartment to watch tv (yea right!) the night before. I'm just so annoyed at how complicated this situation with LOs father has gotten.

Thanks for letting me vent and if anyone has any advice it would be appreciated.

Re: I can't help but worry (Vent)

  • mrgnmrgn
    Sixth Anniversary Photogenic
    member

    I think you may be in the clear, seeing that his daughter has survived the past 9 years. I can understand the worry, but I don't think the courts will really consider this because he was never proven to be a part of the child's death.

    It sounds like he's not interested in being involved, anyways. Don't worry. This is just the beginning.

  • image mrgn:

    I think you may be in the clear, seeing that his daughter has survived the past 9 years. I can understand the worry, but I don't think the courts will really consider this because he was never proven to be a part of the child's death.

    It sounds like he's not interested in being involved, anyways. Don't worry. This is just the beginning.

    It's not about the baby his ex wife killed he wasn't with her when that happened. It's about his ex wife (and possibly him too)smothering their daughter until she blacked out. His daughter now has brain damage because it was done so many times to her that the lack of oxygen damaged her brain. Yes, I do understand the court probably won't care because he wasn't the one caught on camera.

    I also think him and his daughter have a weired father-daughter relationship. He does EVERYTHING for her, and by everyhing I mean picks out her clothes, washes her hair, brushes her hair, cuts up her food. Everything she is more than capable of doing. Her brain damage mostly affected her speech. The one time actually watched him brush his daughters hair he made her sit on the couch and he straddled her legs in between his while standing up and brushed her hair with his crotch in her face the entire time. To me that's a big no no.

    I just really hope if he does get involved I never have to leave LO over night there. Ex is weird. I mean over the top weird. He also knew the night we had sex that he got me pregnant. His exact words were "I probably got you pregnant." God forbid I wasn't already mad enough that he didn't pull out. Sure enough a month later I took a pregnancy test and it was positive. When I brought up what he said he said he was joking. With this being his third child i'm pretty sure he wasn't joking. Except he forgot to tell me about his second child.

  • Hey, Lurker here but I may have some insight. With women who kill/ smoother their children there is normally something mentally wrong with them such as depression or munchousen syndrome by proxy. Many times even the people who live with them don't suspect them of abusing their children. The fact that he lost one of his children to murder and then has to care for his mentally impaired second child that was also a victim of abuse may have something to do with the fact he feels guilty the he couldn't stop it. He may be trying to make up for the fact that his daughter went through such trauma by spoiling her. I know many parents who do this (including myself). I spoil my son because of the other losses of children I have suffered. I can't stand to hear him cry and it's taken a conscience effort to not give in to every whimper. He may not have felt comfortable with telling you about his loss of son. As for the whole "I got you pregnant" comment, my husband has done the same thing with me, and low and behold each time I was. I think sometimes some men have a sixth sense about that LOL
    Mimi to May Babies: William Gabriel Martin '07, Morgan Ana Terese '10
    [IMG]http://i44.tinypic.com/1z5lzrs.jpg[/IMG]
    [IMG]http://sedf.lilyslim.com/Npc2m8.png?4FFbS3Lm[/IMG]
  • mrgnmrgn
    Sixth Anniversary Photogenic
    member
    image coffeeaddiction21:
    image mrgn:

    I think you may be in the clear, seeing that his daughter has survived the past 9 years. I can understand the worry, but I don't think the courts will really consider this because he was never proven to be a part of the child's death.

    It sounds like he's not interested in being involved, anyways. Don't worry. This is just the beginning.

    It's not about the baby his ex wife killed he wasn't with her when that happened. It's about his ex wife (and possibly him too)smothering their daughter until she blacked out. His daughter now has brain damage because it was done so many times to her that the lack of oxygen damaged her brain. Yes, I do understand the court probably won't care because he wasn't the one caught on camera.

    I also think him and his daughter have a weired father-daughter relationship. He does EVERYTHING for her, and by everyhing I mean picks out her clothes, washes her hair, brushes her hair, cuts up her food. Everything she is more than capable of doing. Her brain damage mostly affected her speech. The one time actually watched him brush his daughters hair he made her sit on the couch and he straddled her legs in between his while standing up and brushed her hair with his crotch in her face the entire time. To me that's a big no no.

    I just really hope if he does get involved I never have to leave LO over night there. Ex is weird. I mean over the top weird. He also knew the night we had sex that he got me pregnant. His exact words were "I probably got you pregnant." God forbid I wasn't already mad enough that he didn't pull out. Sure enough a month later I took a pregnancy test and it was positive. When I brought up what he said he said he was joking. With this being his third child i'm pretty sure he wasn't joking. Except he forgot to tell me about his second child.

    I wasn't saying that YOU shouldn't care. I was saying that the courts legally cannot assume he had any kind of involvement if he wasn't found to have any.

    As far as overnight visits go, you have about 9 months to a year (especially if you plan to BF) before the courts usually consider overnights.  DD is 4.5 months old and hasn't even been left with X alone for a minute, nevermind hours or overnight. We haven't gone through the court system, but other women here have and they could tell you more about it.

  • It sounds like he feels guilty for what happened - and that's why he does everything for her. Poor little girl.

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  • image DarthNBJenni:

    It sounds like he feels guilty for what happened - and that's why he does everything for her. Poor little girl.

    I can understand the guilt part, but I can not understand why he's abandoned his other two children. He has a 3 year old in Alabama that he hid from me until I was 5 months pregnant but he told me he has never went and seen the boy and never will. Now since LO has been born evey single e-mail i've sent him has been unanswered except one and that one said "you told me to leave you alone so that's what i'm doing." I had asked him when he wanted to set up a time to meet so he can meet his new son. I do not want to keep him out of LO's life I just want to protect my child. If he can feel guilty for not being able to protect one child then why can't he feel guilty for turning away when another child of his is born.

    And yes poor little girl is right. The man is setting the girl up to be a failure at life. I know that's harsh, but he's doing more harm to her. She's afraid of being alone, afraid to anything for herself, and at 9 years old her father tells her she's too young to do chores, and they eat every meal out. She's going to end up marrying a man that's controlling probably abusive and never lets her do anything for herself. I feel like when LO gets older his father is going to make him do everything she doesn't bacause his half sister is "special" and he feels guilty. She has a lisp. That's all. She's in normal classes in a normal school and doing well grade wise.

  • If you are truly worried and he has changed his number/not contacting you and everything I would try not to do anything official.  I would leave it alone and if at any time in the future he wanted to be a part of LO's life then he could do so and only then would I get a parenting plan in place and cs.  I would absolutely not pursue anything from him. 
  • I am just wondering, if you were so concerned, why did you have sex with this man and pro create with this man?

    Seriously, people are so freaking stupid.

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