I can't help but feel guilty

mrgn

when X misses visits.  I am so used to going out of my way to accommodate him, I feel guilty now that I've stopped. He has missed a lot of "scheduled" visits. We don't have a CO so we schedule the visits ourselves. I made it clear recently that visits needed to be planned when he had his work schedule, and if he couldn't make it, he couldn't make it and he can see her on the next scheduled day. This week, he scheduled Thursday and Saturday. I said I would drive down once a week and he could come up as many times as he wanted. This week, my car has a "low coolant" light on and my stepdad said he didn't think should take the hour trip down on Thursday. Well, he didn't tell me to begin with whether he was driving or what, so I let him know that I couldn't drive because my car could overheat after he had texted me 7:30am the Thursday morning. He came up, all was well (except for Aubrey crying every time he comes near her - ugh). I told him that I could not (and didn't want to) drive on Saturday because my sister is visiting. We haven't seen her since Christmas. I also explained to him, again, that the last minute planning was starting to get out of hand and I felt like it was inconsiderate. I was VERY kind about it. I explained that I knew he wasn't trying to be inconsiderate, so I wanted to explain how I felt before I started to resent him. He said OK, said he would call me about Saturday and planned on coming up.

Last night at 8:30pm I get a text asking if I can drive down because he got a flat tire. No, sorry, I told you Thursday that I could not. So he clearly is unhappy and texts me this morning saying he isn't coming because of his car. 

I don't know if he is telling the truth sometimes, or if he tries very hard to make things happen sometimes. His parents have two cars, it is the weekend, and his mom lets him borrow her car pretty often. So, I don't know if he just didn't ask her or what. But it makes me feel like an assshole for saying no and being firm and consistent. I feel like I am mothering HIM, too.

Oh - PS - he never asked about her 4 month appointment and how it went. You know, the appointment he was VERY rude to me about, asking me 16 different times when it was weeks and weeks ahead of time so that he could go... and then didn't take it off work. When I asked if he was coming, he said, "Oh I believe I have work." Whatever - it's fine if he doesn't want to come but don't make me out to be some kind of jerk and ask me one thousand times about it and then not take the time off to go. So, he knew when it was, and asked nothing about it. Therefore, he didn't learn about her sickish day where she had a fever and was not feeling well.  I am done being forthcoming or initiating visits or even conversation. It is much too exhausting and we are only 4 months in. If he wants to see her, he can make the effort to call. If he wants to know about any appointments, he can ask. I'm not initiating shiit.

Ugh - sorry.

inbetween

It seems like he knows you give in easily, and that you will in fact feel guilty. If he knows this, he's going to do everything possible to make sure it happens. Better to start being consistant and sticking to your word now then never. I am the same way, and  H knows it.

You have nothing to feel guilty about. If it's not smart to drive your car, it's not smart to drive your car!

bellaleanne

Don't feel guilty!

The fact that you EVER drive an hour to make sure your LO sees her father just shows how much of an effort you make. In all reality, it's his responsibility to make sure he's part of her life, and you just can't hold yourself responsible for him not making it out to see her.

I would feel the same way in your position, I'm sure. But I completely agree that it's not your job to initiate anything. He has to really want to act like a father in order for this arrangement to work. If he's not putting forth the effort already, you can tell where this may be heading. Let him decide to make the effort. It's up to him to decide how important it is to him to have a relationship with his daughter. You have enough responsibility on your hands already.

You're doing a great job. Hang in there.

achase123

This was long so I did skim some at the end- sorry .  But I think that what is going on is that you have given in in the past and so he is expecting it.  You ARE doing the right thing by keeping things more regimented and it is going to be better for you in the future because you will have things dialed in.  You definitely will create a monster letting him plan the visits with hardly any notice, changing times, etc.  I know this because I am dealing with the monster that I have created. 

GL and keep sticking to your guns.  I also think it's really nice that you drive DD to him.  It's not easy to travel with a baby in the car.