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2nd Trimester
NewlyWeds13
member
is this unreasonable? LONG
NewlyWeds13
member
This is just between DH and I right now, but we have been asked by my family (my grandma and aunt as both of my parents are dead and they raised me so that is equivalent to my parents) and his parents want to come when the baby is born.
I am super close with my grandma. He loves his mom, but they are not super close and she and I have an ok relationship, but she offends me often (way before pregnancy as we have been togehter for almost 14 yrs and married for 6). 
Anyways... I just think it will be WAY too stressful to have the 4 of them all here right at the beginning. I know there is no way to stop my MIL from coming. She is subborn, selfish and rude and imposing... so I have resigned to the fact that she is going to be here. Therefore, I told DH and I will tell my family they can not come until 1 week after the baby is born and that his parents must leave before they arrive.
Do you think this is unreasonable? She wants to stay for 3 weeks. Well-- tough crap. I am not telling my family they are not permitted to come for 3 weeks to accomodate her and we only have 1 guest room and I am not asking my 85 yr old grandmother to sleep in our finished basement on a pullout (and MIL would never as she will already be camped in teh guest room).
Also-- I told DH upfront that I will not nurse in front of her (she creps me out and it would make me highly uncomfortable) and he was going to have to cook and clean for her (I refuse to) as again she expects to be waited on hand and foot and nothing is ever good enough for her. Examples... she complains because we don't have room darkening shades (we have just regular wooden blinds that I prefer the look of with safe loop control for kids). I even purchased sleep masks for her and offered extra blankets to drape over the windows. Last time she NAILED the blankets into my woodwork and cost us over 300 in damages after she left. thankfully $$ is a not a huge concern for us, so was not a huge deal, but just explaining so you understand what she is like. Other examples... I made sea scallops at our home (they are her favorite food she orders at every restaraunt). I bought the giant ones that are over 22 a pound. After I prepared them she said... it is a shame you wasted just good scallops to eat in your house. It was hard to enjoy them when the smell of cooking fish ruined all appitite. Next time you should just pay for us to go to a nice normal out to dinner experience of fine dining, rather than try to pretend you are a chef.
DH and I just ignore this ***... she says the same kind of crap to him. It is not me, that is just her.
Thoughts... am I being unreasonable? More importantly how do I get her out of my house at 1 week post baby's arrival for when my parents arrive. Do I just tell them it is non-negotiable. Offer to put them up in a hotel. what?
Dh says to just ignore it and he will take care of it... but he does not. He chickens out and refuses to confront her (it is horrible)... and he even said well... even if I don't it won't be that bad (which makes me know he won't do anything or say anything). UM yes.. it will be that bad.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: is this unreasonable? LONG
Talk to the Charge Nurse. If you don't want someone in there, then don't let them in there.
During labor you don't need stress flat out. Don't give in because they're stubborn. Hospital staff can keep them all out if you want.
In the hospital it will be fine as I agree that the nurses can keep her out, etc.
But what about when I come home. that is what I was referring to. the days at DH and I's house that I can't stop her from coming (unless I make a horrible ugly scene, which I am not willing to do).
she is really not that bad... if she gets everything her way, everyone follows what she wants at all times, and no one ever says anything different than what she suggests. That is her expectation of people and everyone in DH's family treats her this way-- like the queen of sheba:)
I don't have any out of town family so I don't have to worry about the overnite guests. So I guess I don't really know how I would have the convo with them.
However, I don't understand why new moms and dads are allowing unwelcome or stressful overnite guests. It is about what you, DH and LO need. And the 3 of you learning to live together. I understand the family wanting to be around and be with LO but I would not be willing to stress myself out more to accomodate them. I would never dream of imposing myself like that on a new mom/dad. Your MIL clearly stresses you out I would be strong and tell her stay in a hotel or with someone else. You need to be focusing on getting into a routine with you LO...not running and hiding in your room to breastfeed. And, I don't think you have a chance of getting her out for your family....from what you said she doesn't seem like the time of grandma that will leave to give the other grandma some quality time with the new baby.
Honestly having a baby and then taking them home is incredibly stressful, trust me.
I would tell you MIL and your family flat out don't make plans and that you will play things by ear. From what you said I wouldn't want your MIL around the first few weeks. If your grandma is important give her the priority.
Is there any way that your gma can come alone and stake her claim to the guest room? Maybe your MIL won't want to stay as long if she has to sleep in the basement. Also, it might be nice to have gma there while MIL is there to have someone else in your corner as well.
She sounds horrible, btw and you aren't overreacting at all!
This. From what you've said, I wouldn't want her to come at all before your family. Your g-ma and aunt should come visit first, and then your MIL can come.
And, NO ONE should be there for 3 weeks. Ever.
or, give her an ultimatum. Tell her she can come whenever she wants for a week, but that you're grandma is getting the guest room and your aunt has to come with her, and she's getting the pull out.
She can either stay in a hotel if she really wants to come for the first week, or she can come after your side leaves.
But your H really needs to man up here, and be the one to tell her.
This sounds exactly like my MIL! She made a comment about driving up to where we live when I go into labor because she wants to be at the hospital! Neither of our families live in the same state, but my mom is not boarding a plane the second I go into labor so I don't understand why MIL would think that this is okay.
I really don't understand where all these moms and MIL get off thinking they can do what they want and not listen. We are not children anymore...all anyone keeps telling me is to set boundaries and stick to them. We'll see if it works.
My mom is coming out for 5 days about 2 weeks after baby should arrive. I gave her exact dates to come and she tried to sneak in an extra day and I corrected her. I am letting DH deal with his own mom and if he doesn't I told him I would and she would not want it coming from me. She is not allowed to stay with us if she chooses to come while we are at the hospital. Also, if she does go against our wishes and shows up at the hospital, the nurses will act in my protection. I don't want her in the room when I am BF or my lady parts are being checked.
Both of them are probably planning on coming to my house and laying around to hold the baby...uhh, that's what I want to do....now make me some dinner! ; )
Good luck with your situation....it's such a pain to deal with this. I just pray that they will catch a clue and take into account our requests.
I simply wouldn't call her til after baby was born, then say it was all so crazy you (obviously) weren't even thinking of anyone else.
As for her staying, I think you letting her have the 1st week is SUPER generous and I would tell her in a way that even if she hates the idea of leaving she'll have to say thank you. "I REALLY want my grandma here and she is asking daily if she can be first, but I know how much it means to you so we have set aside the ENTIRE 1st week just for you!" And maybe add in how sweet that she wants to be the one to cook for you and do laundry as that is what family is for in the first few weeks (maybe even list some foods you want her to prepare for you
)
Hmmm - I really feel for you and am trying to get a grasp on this entire situation. It's kind of hard to imagine having to deal with this sort of thing. It's really awful to have to be worried about other people when this is a time when all you should be worried about is your LO and yourself.
I think "seriouslysarah" has a good idea about making her grateful for what she's getting. The only change that I would make is that she doesn't get to come the first week. If you really don't mind your Grandma and Aunt being there the 1st week, then invite them. It's just like a wedding: the mother of the bride gets preference. It's just what is proper. Then tell her what the plan is and phrase it in such a way that she has no choice but to be super grateful for the time that she is getting. When you do talk to her, say something like "Just wanted to make sure you know what our plans are surrounding the baby's birth. Since, of course, my own mother couldn't be here to support me during this time - my Grandma and Aunt will be coming the 1st week to help us out. Then, we would be so honored to have your help during the 2nd or 3rd week - whichever works out better for you. I know we will be exhausted with late night feedings and adjusting to life with a baby - so you will be a godsend to have around to help out with cooking, cleaning, and grocery shopping!" Then, I'd just be super organized and have everything planned out for when she gets there. Type up instructions on how to use the washing machine and dryer - and tape them to the tops of the appliances. Same thing with the dishwasher (remember to list things that you wash by hand). Also, type out a list of where you keep cleaning supplies, such as: Broom and Mop are in the closet in the hallway; toilet bowl cleaner is kept in cabinet in the guest bathroom; vacuum cleaner is in the masterbedroom closet; grocery list is on the refrigerator - please use the cash in the envelope found in the drawer to the right of the kitchen sink. Have your husband go over everything on the list with her about an hour after she arrives - so that the tone is set.
Just some suggestions - but I generally find that the best way not to loose control, is to take the lead and control from the very beginning. GL!