Re: My funeral post

MelandJeff

Sorry to have posted and left.. I took a glorious 2 hour nap with DS.

I read the responses and it seems like I am the minority on my take on kids and funerals. While I still feel 100% as strongly about my beliefs on the matter, your posts did help me see the other side and I was instantly less annoyed with SIL. So, thank you for that!

I still feel that it is a bad idea to bring a 3 year old to an open casket funeral. There are other places that the child can celebrate the persons life. Like at the luncheon following the services, or even at the family gathering that takes place after a funeral. (not sure if all families do this or just mine and MH's)

I guess I think that a 3 year old should go on believing that the world is puppy dogs and rainbows as long as possible. They will already too soon figure out that the world is NOT puppy dogs and rainbows. I also think that 3 is too young to reason and I just dont see the point? Why expose them to that just to do it? Would a 3 year old get the concept of closure? I doubt it. But, like you said, to each his own, right?

 

Anyway, thanks for your side of it and your right, I was being too judgey of my SIL.  I have been doing that a lot lately with her and I need to figure out a way to let it go. (she is the one who basically has my IL's raise her son so her choices dont always fly well with the family and we are always a bit annoyed with her)

KrisBriMcBunny

I'm with you on this.  But I think it depends on the child.  I know my 3 yr old wouldnt be able to grasp the whole concept of death just yet.

Halo79RN

i think there are many factors to weigh.  one of which is your comfort level with the whole thing.  Obviously it's not something you want to deal with dc right now. And that's fine too.  it's good you appreciate your sil decision more now. 

 if this is a GM that dc would recognize as gone , you have to talk about it.  so you're not going to dodge the death talk.  dc is gonna talk and ask questions. dd was 3.5 and before the funeral knew what was going on.  She asked if Granny was sick ... she heard adults talking.  We explained that she wasn't sick anymore and was not hurting anymore. That she had been but had died and was at peace now. 

also, is the family the type to be dramatic and bawl and make a scene... or do they really look at it as a celebration of life?  my gm's funeral was a mass, and a dinner and we talked and laughed and there wasn't a ton of crying involved.  I mean, people were sad... but they weren't scary dramatic.  I've never been to a funeral where people were laid out crying.  So maybe it's also how family looks at the funeral process.

Back in the day, people took family portraits with the deceased... you'll see kids and adults alike sitting with the dead person in pic. I do think that's wierd... but who's to say?  it's what they did.  what was the norm to them. 

also, just b/c a person brings the child, doesn't mean that if the child is acting up they cannot remove the child from the situation.  I remember going to my ggp's funeral and seeing him in the casket.  Same for great aunt's funeral. I don't remember being scared. I was 4 ish.

One reason my ILs came (besides the fact that dh did not want dc to see granny in the casket), was they could focus on them for me, while I focused on being there for my mother.  (it was my mom's mom).  Nice to have that help and support. 

 

Jamaica_Bride

Dooode, I agree with you on this. We have had a few deaths in the past month in our lives and never once did it cross my mind to bring either of the boys.

There is a time and a place for everything and imvho funerals are not OK for children in general.

(oh and what evs about you being judgy...!)

DandR

I'm also with you..this isn't anyone they know.  Not appropriate...it would be totally different if her kids knew the lady.  OR she had no other childcare options...but I don't understand what her reasoning would be to bring them.

I think the people who disagreed maybe didn't totally read your post???

Temp108743750006959

eh, we're all judgy when it comes to ILs.

I think funerals and kids should be a case by case basis: time of life, who died, what kind of funeral, etc. If it was right now, I could guarantee you it would greatly upset DS, he would totally know what is going on and he would not easily let go of it.

Aliliv

I don't think it matters if it open casket or not, because the child never has to view the open casket - I didn't even view my grandfather in the open casket!     But, I'm really glad you are less  annoyed!!

belle204

Nope, we totally read the post. I think it just depends on your personal feelings on it, the relationship with the deceased and the child. I would never take A but I wouldn't fault anyone for it. And, again, I've been as a child. Hell I even kissed her and still think nothing of it nor was I bothered at the time.

eclaires

I'm okay with kids at funerals - I think like vccake said it's really individual, case by case.

And I hear you on being annoyed just b/c it's a certain person.  TRUST me, I totally judge one of my relations for everything they do even if it's reasonable, lol.

MelandJeff

eclaires:

And I hear you on being annoyed just b/c it's a certain person.  TRUST me, I totally judge one of my relations for everything they do even if it's reasonable, lol.

I have come to the realization that this is totally me. LOL! Gah! I am not supposed to be like that, I am like, so PERFECT. Bwhahahahah

eclaires

MelandJeff:

eclaires:

And I hear you on being annoyed just b/c it's a certain person.  TRUST me, I totally judge one of my relations for everything they do even if it's reasonable, lol.

I have come to the realization that this is totally me. LOL! Gah! I am not supposed to be like that, I am like, so PERFECT. Bwhahahahah

lol, I tell myself it's because I'm perfect that I even judge the most reasonable actions.  HA!

shopgirl_07

I'm glad you were able to take a step back and look at the other side. It sounds like your SIL is a bit of a twit so I'm sure it's hard to be objective when it comes to her.

I did take my 4 year old to an open casket funeral, for my grandmother. As I said, he was close to her and I felt it was important. He wasn't scarred by it at all, I had to explain to him that she had died anyway so this was just a piece of the process. And, if you look at funerals (especially for very old people) as celebrating life, then it makes sense that all generations would be there.

BubblyToes

It's a personal thing, I think.

And I hear you on the judging one particular person thing.  My BIL could come in and tell me the sky was blue and something about it would annoy me simply because it's coming from him.

Goose51504

Jamaica_Bride:

Dooode, I agree with you on this. We have had a few deaths in the past month in our lives and never once did it cross my mind to bring either of the boys.

There is a time and a place for everything and imvho funerals are not OK for children in general.

(oh and what evs about you being judgy...!)

Ditto this...1000%. My kids weren't anywhere near my dad's funeral last week, and he was cremated! It's not afuckingChuck E. Cheese, kwim?

jessicaclare

eclaires:

And I hear you on being annoyed just b/c it's a certain person.  TRUST me, I totally judge one of my relations for everything they do even if it's reasonable, lol.

This is SO me as well. 

As far as the funeral thing goes, its absolutely a case by case thing. I wouldn't bat an eye at someone else bring their kids to a funeral (except in the case of my misbehaving nieces I posted about below), but I still haven't brought DD. We've had to have the death talk with her, though. That was very hard. How do you explain that to a two year old?

hopefulmom

I posted late but more or less agreed with you.