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Baby Showers
Jennifer Ruth
member
Worried I won't have a shower; emotional
Jennifer Ruth
member
in Baby Showers
We've been married almost 11 years and this is our first baby.
I never had a wedding shower. We had 300 people at our wedding, but since my bridesmaids were mostly immediate family or from way out of town, no one hosted a show for me. My mother is pretty rigid about etiquette, and didn't feel it was appropriate to host one for me or allow other family members do it.
Not having a wedding shower REALLY bothered me and left me feeling "not worthy" of a shower. My mom says I shouldn't feel bad, I got loads of gifts from the wedding a had a huge reception, etc. I love my mom and can't disagree with the whole "families shouldn't throw showers" thing, but I am pretty sensitive over none of my friends doing it. To this day, I dislike wedding showers in general; mainly because I'm sensitive about them and feel (embarassingly) jealous.
Fast forward to being preggo...
If I have a baby shower, it will be my first shower. Ever. I am petrified that the same thing will happen...I have tons of friends, but most who live out of town and I know my mom / family will not throw one.
Should I confide in a close friend and basically "ask" for one? Or should I just shut-up about it and see what happens?
I'm a pretty private person, so sharing feelings like these (especially over something most people might feel is trivial) is really hard for me.
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Re: Worried I won't have a shower; emotional
I'm not being snarky but if I were you I'd dig a little deeper to see why a shower is so important to you.
Why do you want a shower?
Is it for the gifts?
For the attention?
To be surrounded by family and loved ones?
Sit back and wait til someone offers you a shower. If you don't have one offered to you -- host a "welcome baby" party after LO is born.
I understand where you are coming from. My family thinks it is tacky for family to host one as well. One thing that I think helped me, is that I have hosted for my other freinds and they are eager to now host some for me as well. Have you ever hosted for other friends?
How about throwing you own party after the baby is born. (some call it a Welcome to the world party, others a "Sip and See" where tea and seeing the baby is the focus) You'd be able to get lots of attention and friends gathered and some might even bring gifts. But just don;t list any registries on a party you would be hosting yourself. Make it a casual thing, with an open time frame, come and go type of deal.
I didn't really think about having either a wedding or baby shower. No one even asked me if I wanted one. My sister co-hosted both of my showers. The bridal one with five of my cousins and the baby one with my momma and a good friend. But then again my sister was my maid of honor and is going to be the babies godmother. I wouldn't want anyone else in those positions besides her.
If you want something to celebrate the baby you can always have a "meet the baby party" afterwards.
These are really great ideas! I really like the "Welcome to the World" type parties.
Please believe me, this is not about getting gifts/presents. I agree that "asking" for a shower is tacky...thats why I wanted opinions. I don't really think I'd have the nerve anyway.
I honestly think its just a need to feel "worth" throwing a shower for. I'm not typically a really sensitive person, so maybe people don't think I'd want one or care. And, you are right, other than my mom and husband, no one really knows how badly I feel about missing out on the whole shower experience as a bride-to-be.
I've hosted several wedding showers and baby showers over the years, and I typically always attend when invited to others.
Its a hard feeling to describe...maybe not easily understood if you've had one or more.
Thanks again for the good ideas!
I don't really get wedding showers. Maybe because I didn't have one and I've never been to one. But are people supposed to buy you a wedding shower gift and then a wedding gift too?
I'm not upset about not having a wedding shower, having the attention on me for my wedding day was enough. As for a baby shower, yes I would be sore if I didn't have one and if I thought that were going to be the case I would talk to my mom about it, but that's because I know she wouldn't leave me hanging.
It is rude to ask someone to throw you a shower but if you just "see what happens" you might end up seeing that you aren't going to get one. So just talk to your mom and see what she says.
Not sure if it was a rhetorical question but yes, there is a book. You can google etiquette or manners. I recommend Emily Post.
It was thought that familiy throwing a shower was asking for presents. That particular etiquette has relaxed quite a bit.
I really think you mother needs to back off on this one and not say a word if a cousin or aunt wants to throw you a shower. She doesn't get to decide who can and cannot host a shower for you.
What about your husband's side of the family? Do you think your MIL will throw one?
it really depends on your family and friends.. in the begining of my pregnancy i was talking about it .. i didnt ask.. but kinda if you get my point.. like i didnt come out and ask her but we were talking about and i said well if i have a boy i really wouldnt need anything since i saved everything from baby #1 but if it were a girl... i really dont know what i would do.. and she was all excited and said she'd throw me one.. so find away that you could ask one of them to do it.. with out being blunt about it!! good luck!!
I am going to go out on a limb and take a different stance from everyone else. I don't see the harm in casually mentioning to a close friend that no one has offered to throw you a shower. Maybe no one has realized that no one has offered yet and they just assume someone else is throwing you one.
I just know how much it meant to me to have friends and family come to my shower and to have someone offer to throw a party in honor of my first baby. It was a very special day. It wasn't really about the gifts, though they were nice. But as women, we usually end up being the one to plan everyone's birthdays, showers, etc... It was nice to be on the receiving end just once.
i really feel bad for the OP , I would have felt the same way if no one had offered to host my bridal shower, I know showers are gifts and you shouldent feel like anyone owes you one, but I think almost everyone thinks that if they are getting married or having a baby, that someone from either their friends or family would want to host a shower for you,
I really hope somone offers to have one for you, if not then you should have a meet the baby party, and mabey not offer to throw showers for these people anymore.
Thank you, Sopranole and green bean!
This helps me feel a little more validated on my crazy feelings about this.
You are exactly right...a shower seems to be, in this day and age, kind of a "given" when getting married and having at least your first baby. Like a honeymoon.
When people would ask my what my wedding shower theme was, or mention "make sure to make a bouquet out of your bows for your rehearsal", I felt I would have to explain that I didn't have a shower.
No kidding, people would react as if I just told them I had a terminal illness!
I think I'm just going to hope for the best and that my dear mother stays out of it :-)
So basically you're having a shower to outfit your little girl's wardrobe? You do realize that a shower was not necessary for that purpose. There's consignment sales, craigslist, bargain shopping at department stores - tons of other options for you besides having a shower.
I'm surprised your mother hasn't already asked one of her friends to host your shower since she knows the situation. She could always offer to pay for it but have her friend "host" it.
When my DD got married I called my niece (who I hosted for a couple of times...a bridal shower AND a baby shower) and said, "hey, who in the family is going to host DD's wedding shower for family?" She said she would get back with me, which she did. Her and my other niece hosted it. I know a shower is a gift but it wasn't a gift for ME. I wasn't letting her off the hook that easily after I hosted 2 showers for her. lol I did tell her that I would be happy to pitch in financially. She lives in my old hometown (as do 80% of the rest of the family) so it was logical she host it. Frankly, I don't think my family would have offered a bridal shower for my DD if I had not suggested it. Unfortunately, when you don't live close to family...it is sort of "out of sight - out of mind" and maybe that is the way it is with many of your friends if they don't live near you.
I'm in a kind of similar situation - friends and family mostly live out of town spread out all over the place and are not really much in touch with one another, so I feel like a shower might not happen without some encouragement. I agree with some of the other answers that there's absolutely nothing wrong with having a family member host/organize it. I am thinking that since my wedding shower wasn't quite my style, I might enjoy being involved in the hosting and planning myself, so I am thinking of asking a local friend to help me plan it. That way I can get involved and get it going, but I'm not doing it entirely on my own (I have no problem paying for it and hosting it at my own home). Now, here's hoping dear friends and family from out of town can make it to the shower!!
Thanks...this is kind of what I'm dealing with too. My parents live an hour away, and the rest of both sides of our families live out of state.
My best friends are friends from high school and college, and we are all spread out now too.
My hubby and I have moved several times over the past 10 years so we've only been in our current city less than 4 years.
Crazy!!
I think it's okay too feel down about not getting a shower. In my opinion it isn't the gifts or the attention that make a shower wonderful, but the fact that your family and/or friends cared about you enough to want to celebrate this wonderful moment in your life. I'm not saying that family or friends who don't throw a shower don't love you or care, etc., but it's nice to see the physical gesture. As they say, "actions speak louder than words."
Personally I would never ask anyone to throw me a shower, but I'm also lucky to have a family and friends who are doing it unprompted. With that said, I don't think it's tacky or wrong to mention it to your family or to a friends. Just let them know how you feel, but don't straight out ask them to throw you one.
I'm also noticing that there appears to be a regional difference on shower etiquette. Up here in the Northeast, it is never tacky to have a family member throw a shower. In fact, it is usually preferred because they know you best.
Anyhoo, I hope it all works out. Good luck!
I'm also not sure why everyone is so worried about family throwing a shower or you throwing your own party. I see it as a celebration of a very special occasion in your life. It is something I believe you would love to share with friends and family. You are just inviting your friends to share with you in the excitement and the joy of expecting. If you have a really close friend let her know. I think if you have ever thrown a shower for someone they will probably take care of yours but that is not a guarantee. You do have to do what feels comfortable for you. It would be a shame to throw a party and not enjoy it. I wish you lived in Miami. I would have a shower for you.
just another idea... i was talking to one of my friends about how much what I really want is a day with the girls before i become a mom... no gifts no Baby games- just a girls day... mani/pedi dinner.... so that's what we are goign to do... and I am way more excited about that than i am about a shower.
it's helps my birthday's around the same time... really is there anything wrong with having the girls get together for a fun day... i don't know if it's really for me- or for all of us... but who cares- we are going to have a good time... they can drink and i can drive!
Maybe it's just me, but it is not tacky to ask for one. Everyone is entitled to a babyshower. It's not about gifts, it's about celebrating your first baby (yay!) with the people you love and being fawned over. If you have a very close friend who understands you, talk to her. Tell her why you're worried about not getting one, and that you really want one, and ask her to not tell that you asked. If she is a good friend it will stay between you guys and you will get your shower. Which you totally deserve, by the way.
I think it is totally messed up that people think things like this are "tacky" at all. It's about you and your baby, not other people's weird ideas of old fashioned etiquette.
Sorry reithegenki...you are incorrect. It IS about gifts. That's what the "h" a baby shower is...SHOWERING WITH GIFTS. To ask for one yourself is certainly tacky. Her mother could do it...but not the mom-to-be.
As for etiquette being totally "messed up" and "people's weird ideas of old fashioned etiquette"...those people ARE the guests. You might want to remember that when you host your own shower. They will and DO talk about you behind your back. I went to a shower for a second time mom about 8 months ago and people are still talking to me about her (even though she didn't host her own)...because she "registered"! You obviously live in a world of your own.
PS: No one is "entitled" to a baby shower. It is a gift from the person hosting it.
Well I guess to each its own. Anybody who sits around and talks about people behind their back isn?t worth anyone?s time and probably shouldn?t have been there any way. I wouldn?t ask anyone to throw me a baby shower, that?s just me. If that?s what you choose to do I wouldn?t judge you either because we all make choices to fit our own situations. I don?t ask anybody for anything. I threw my own shower and registered because so many people were calling me before I even started to plan my shower to ask me what I needed for the baby. The baby even got stuff for Christmas and he isn?t due for a week and a half. My mom wanted me to register to make it easier. My aunt Joan is the family function planner and she is in another city. I?m 25 and most of my friends aren?t in as good of a situation as me and wouldn?t have even been able to afford or know what to do to plan a shower. I come from a very loving and helpful family, so with or without a shower my baby would have been showered with gifts. There aren?t any new babies in my family, the youngest child is 12 and this is my parents 1st grandchild. Spoiling him was a given. I?m still receiving gifts, money, and gift cards, in the mail from out of towners and others who could not make the shower. People are so stuck on how everyone else will judge them and what others feel is right or wrong?. If we were all followers then everyone would be miserable and unhappy. I could be in my own world and be happy in it. Do what makes you happy; I always do. Don?t knock your blessings because of other people and their so called etiquette or opinions.
I can't help but laugh at this. Unbelievable.