College
What are your thoughts on this as to who pays/etc. I am very lucky that my parents paid for my education. I had no bills, etc to worry about.
However - my DH said that after CS is done, he does not want to pay for SD's schooling. I fully support this (due to the amount of CS we pay) and feel that some of the $3000 per month should be being put away for college... I dont think that any CP needs this much in CS for any reason (excluding if the child had a disability or something like that).
However when we have children, I fully plan on paying for their education. If we werent paying an absurd amount of CS for SD now, I would fully support helping to pay for college... but my children will not be getting the huge nest egg like BM gets, therefore there is really no reason that SD won't have had enough in a bank account to have college paid for.
Re: College
I think that if you have the financial ability to pay for your childrens' schooling, its a great thing to do. I don't think you should put yourself in the poor house or take out a second mortgage to do it. My parents paid for part of my schooling, and I was very grateful but when their financial situation changed, I had no problem getting student loans and paying my way. It made me appreciate my education that much more.
So why do you pay ?3000 per month? I know in Serendipity's case the court said it was a mistake. I can only guess that your DH can more than afford this if he was COrd to pay it. If that is the case then he should also contribute to her college education. Yes it sounds like a lot of money but if it is like 15% of his income then it is not a lot of money to him - KWIM?
Also it is child support and not a college fund so BM is not under any obligation to save it. She may also petition the court to have your DH pay CS until your SD is 23. I know my Fi has to pay until SS is 18 or 23 if he is still in full time education.
We get free thrid level educationin Ireland (currently but SS is only 8) so it is irrelevant to me at the moment.
$3000 is WAY more than 15% - it was done by the CS division in MA (they have a court worksheet that is used) My income is factored in there (although when we go back to court when she is near 18 - we will fight this) also. They have changed the CS guidelines in 2009. No, we cannot "more than afford this" at all - and even if we could - why does BM not have to work or support HER child?
I have no idea why CS was done until 23. The only thing that makes sense to me is that he found out about SD and was put on the BC at the age of 8. Maybe the courts figured that he "owed" BM for the other years that she kept SD a secret? Not sure.
My point in this post is that we fully plan on paying for our kids education. If the situation were reversed and we were getting that much CS - we would be putting some away for college (I mean really - I dont even make $3000 a month). A responsible parent would be putting it away. That was my point to this post. A few posts prior was talking about "first child/second child" and fairness.
What is third level education? Is that college or post bachelor?
This will give you a breakdown for all 50 states. We are almost right on.
https://www.alllaw.com/calculators/childsupport/
Just calcuated it - BM is getting 37.2% of our income.
While I agree that bm is not OBLIGATED to put away for college,
I also agree that at 3g/mo she can afford it!
You understand me Lucky. LOL that is my point. If we were only paying minimal in CS - I would 100% fully agree to help pay for college education. With that absurd insane amount - I think that we have more than paid our share.
But I bring this up again because of the past posts in fairness, etc. What is fair is not always equal.
You understand me Lucky. LOL that is my point. If we were only paying minimal in CS - I would 100% fully agree to help pay for college education. With that absurd insane amount - I think that we have more than paid our share.
But I bring this up again because of the past posts in fairness, etc. What is fair is not always equal.
Im not trying to make this a CS post again! Just wanted to see what others thought about college, etc.Thats a good point Internet - I have no idea...
From what I have read, the CS goes to the BM and she decides how to spend it (on the child or not - it doesnt matter).
?3000 a month is more than I earn also. I totally get that it is a crazy amount TO ME I just didn't know if perhaps your DH was a millionaire or something because that would make a difference.
Of coarse BM should be putting something away for college BUT if she is not then SD should not be punished for it and she should not be treated differently than any other kids. I assume that if you have other kids you will have CS adjusted. 37% of HIS income is insane, factor in your income and I would be loosing it, so I do 'get it'.
In Ireland we call our school's Primary School (Grade school in the US I think?) then on to Secondary School (high school I think) and then on to third level, so college or university - it's all free.
I get what you're saying J+R and in your situation and ours, ITA. I KNOW our BM is beyond irresponsible with money. She's never had any kind of responsibility for herself or the kids - DH mentioned to her before that since she KNOWS she's getting overpaid, it would be wise to stuff excess away for college or emergency funds for the boys. She just scoffs at that, and instead, wastes the excess on her beauty pageants, flat screen TV's for all over their house and the kids rooms, they now have THREE dogs - (we had our son and the SAME week he was born, she got ANOTHER puppy! Sad...)
She's just wasteful and thinks everything is a competition and that she must BUY the kids love. Also, DH and I didn't get help in college - I'm not even finished with my degree yet but DH put himself through college and we're still paying off the 20 thousand some odd dollar loans for it. At this rate, the kids had said they both wanted to go into the military so that their education was paid for that way. And if that's what they want to do, it really is a smart way to go. BUT, BM is now pushing for oldest SS to go to a 4 year college RIGHT off the bat and in another state at that.
I'm sorry but starting out at a 4 yr school is not necessary and BM never dicusses any of it with DH. We don't have the money for that and after experience, starting out a junior college is WAY more affordable and makes MORE sense UNLESS you've got a scholarship to the 4yr, out of state school. I'm not sure what BM is thinking in her twisted little mind, but NONE of us (including her and her H) have the money to pay out of state tuition at a 4 year university. Then again, it's hard to explain the cost of things, the value of money, etc to someone who has always had everything handed to her and only worked for very minimal times in her life, when she was practically forced, due to her spending habits. So if she is going to force a 4 yr out of state school, we're not paying. There's plenty of loans, grants, etc that can be applied for and there's nothing wrong with SS starting out at a more affordable, local school.
DH and I agree - life will get REALLY interesting for BM when the CS gets lowered and then basically cut in half a few months later after oldest SS graduates highschool. She's not going to know what to do with herself.
I think in most states legally his obligation continues if she enrolls as a fulltime student.
I also think it would be sh!tty of him to abandon her when she goes to college because HIS income will be factored in to her FAFSA and for how much financial aid she qualifies.
My thoughts are that for all our children (SS included) we will pay what we can for their college - IF this is what they choose to do. We will not be taking out a loan, second mortgage, etc... In my family I have seen several of my nieces and nephews squander their parents money because it wasn't a priority. However, when it became out of pocket, THEN all of a sudden it became important to pass every class.
I have and will recommend the military to all my kids prior to jumping into college. (I have already recommended this for SS as he lacks discipline and maturity). If any of my younger kids exhibit the same behavior I will recommend this for them too.
I don't feel that some kids are mature enough yet when they graduate high school to take on college. I don't believe college is for everyone. If they want to do mission work prior to college or instead go to a trade school, or the military that is sufficient as well.
I am stashing some money away right now for my twins for "some" money but it is the basic amount. I am a strong believer of working hard for what you want, but at the same time I don't think it hurts to help a little along the way either.
I dont know? My dad's CS stopped when I graduated HS... it was his CHOICE to pay for my college... No way in helll will we sit and pay for it while BM sits pretty. Nope, not happening.
She can get grants, loans, whatever she can. We will help however we can. But to pay for college in its entirety, nope.
And I agree with Flo. Some kids are not mature enough to go straight to college. SD being one of them. She's barely passing now as it is.
My parents paid for a little over 1/2 of my schooling, and I took out loans for the other 1/2. We will help w/ what we can, but step-kids will graduate 2 years apart, so we will only be able to help so much w/ both in college at the same time.
Have you discussed w/ BM about who will pay what for college? I can see why you feel like you shouldn't have to help, but if BM isn't putting any of the c/s away for college then it is his daughter who will suffer. She won't qualify for any grants because of HIS income and probably won't be able to take out enough loans to cover it herself (this is what happened to me).
Even if DH is not required to pay CS, his income, and YOURS will be factors for which types of aid she will qualify for. My mom and SD did not get married until I was 21. On each FAFSA after that, I had to list my stepfathers' and my mom's income (and BF until he passed).
The gov't expects that parents will lend support to their kids in college.
I get what you are saying, too, I just don't agree that BF should cut off his support when she turns 18 just because he's more than paid his share. Think BM will pick up the slack?
We're not going to start feeding SSs only half of their meals because BM isn't paying anything...
We're not going to start feeding SSs only half of their meals because BM isn't paying anything...
I don't think it's fair to compare feeding an underage child to paying for a kid's college.
His child support is until the age of 23 - whether she goes to college or not.
It is not a parents obligation to pay for college - why is it different when the parents are divorced/never married? Getting your college paid for is a luxury, not a necessity.
With the new CS laws in order (from 2009) we will go back to court to fight to end it at 18...
And no, I dont think that BM will pick up the slack, at all...
I do get what you are saying J&A, but after all of the $$ that we pay - and extra on top of it all for travel expenses, etc. - it's not going to happen with us.
Yeah, probably not. I just don't get the "I've done my fair share" reasoning when the person it will end up hurting is someone you've brought into the world. I can see if circumstances change where Mr. J+R simply doesn't have any money to assist with, then yeah, he won't help his daughter with her schooling. But to say now, years in advance, that he has no intentions of helping her just seems selfish.
I think he feels defeated... He sees tons of $$ going towards CS and things are still crappy. SD has no relationship with him (she apparently now calls BMs boyfriend "dad") etc. Why would we consider to strap ourselves...
Again - getting college paid for is a luxury, not a requirement.
If we hit the lotto - sure we'll help her
When I was growing up and my folks divorced, it was in their arrangement that they would each pay for 1/2 of our college-which was really nice! Don't get me wrong, we (there were 2 of us siblings) did get partial scholarships and worked while going to college for spending $, etc... AND we had to purchase our books...
I think that's the road we're going to take with the SKIDS if/when the time comes...
Now, the CS ended when I was done with my college-4 yrs BUT... when I moved out of the dorms and into an apt, I received the CS from my father vs. mom getting it since I no longer 'lived' with her.
Guess it depends on your individual situation! GL!
I'm just a lurker, but as a child of a blended family, I have to comment on this. This is a really unfair, unequal position.
It would be one thing if you decided that you would only pay a certain amount towards college for all your children, but to pay for your bio-children's college and refuse to pay for your SD's college is really awful.
I get that you don't really have a good relationship with your SD and you pay an obscene amount in CS. However, CS goes to BM, NOT your SD. Can SD somehow make her mom save $ for her for college? Can she make her get a job and help support her? This feels a lot like you taking a lot of your frustrations with BM out on your SD.
Can you say "your grades are awful; we'll only help with community college classes until you prove yourself"? Sure. But, can you really say "BM should be paying, so even though you have no control over that, tough beans"?
My parents had me pay up front, and would pay me back for classes I got a C or better in.
I think thats a good system for me and mine too.
I'm from a blended family too.
DH and I come from the standpoint that we are paying enough in CS without continuing to add the money afterwards. BM needs to contribute also. Will we have this discussion with her? Maybe. It depends on how things go, etc.
MA courts no longer look at CS until the age of 23 to help cover college. They want to see the child/young adult looking at loans, etc. and not relying on the NCP to pay for college.
Why will we pay for our biokids? Because we will be able to slowly put money away and save. When we are sending 3 grand a month - there isnt really a lot to save.
And just because we agree to not pay for college - does NOT mean that we dont agree to help my SD out (help with some books, etc.)
This really strikes a nerve with me because my childhood went a lot like this: 6th grade class is taking an overnight field trip to Washington, DC (about a 3 hour bus ride). Costs a couple hundred dollars to go. Mom says "ask your Dad to pay for it; he makes twice what I make." Dad says "Isn't this what I pay child support for"? My little eleven year old self is left wondering how the hell, then, I am supposed to come up with the money to go when I am not even legally allowed to work and really unsure what to do in the middle again. It would really have been different if they had said "Sorry, we don't think you should go because DC sucks (or whatever)".
I'm just saying that not helping with college simply because you pay alot of child support to BM is a hard pill for a kid to swallow. Not helping because you can't afford to (yes, because of the cs payment) is really different. You know what I mean?
I absolutely know what you mean. And I agree to a point. However, I think that your mother was wrong to put you in the middle of the CS that your father paid - and directed you to ask your dad. I think it was wrong that your father brought up the amount of payment in CS.
BM does this to us all the time. Tells SD "Ask your dad to pay for it." and you know what - we don't. We pay more than enough in CS and we cannot do any more. We also pay for ALL of SDs travels to come visit us (1000 miles away so it is a plane ride), all dental (just got a PreE from the dentist for $5200), etc. It is ridiculous and Im sorry - our BM needs to step to the plate.
But yes, in a perfect BF world - I see where you are coming from.
I have a few things to say on this subject...
As a child of a blended family: My father paid cs for 3 girls until my older sister was 23, I was 20 and my younger sister was 18. He did not take my mom back to court after my elder sister and I graduated from high school, so he kept paying to my mom the full cs. If he had gone back to court, maybe he would have been able to give the money directly to us, I am not quite sure about that. I guess I never expected anyone to pay for my college and I ended up with a full scholarship and then some.
As a SM: I don't know how it is in other states, but here cs is determined base on both parents income. BM is a lazy @ss and works 12 hours a week so we get slammed by CS. Not saying we can't make it alright, but each household had to write out monthly expenses and hers totalled under $1,500 and we pay over that, I think she can afford to put some money away for the girls each month. As far as I am concerned, if she is too stupid to be saving money then that is her problem. I probably sound like a heartless b!tch, but when it comes to BM that is probably true.
Also, I fully intend on paying for LO's college. I hope she will also get scholarships, but I will be saving money each month out of MY paycheck. I'm sorry, but SKs are not MY kids so I will not be opening accounts for them. Their mom can do so.
So, to wrap this up, I agree with you J+R
Amen to that!
Our BM's monthly bills (not including her cigarettes and booze) is a grand total of $168 (rent plus ALL utilities). She does not drive, etc.
You do the math... I think she can put away some money for her child's college. With the generous 3 grand we give her - she can. And it is out of our hands.
PS - your chunky monkey is adorable!
I was JUST thinking about this the other night. Neither BM nor DH went to college, and I think both are "live day by day" types and don't plan for the future very well. I went to college and I'm a huge planner, so DH is kind of letting me take the wheel on their education and we get along well with BM so I was going to sit them all down and propose these three options to see what they think:
I like option number 3, and I plan to use that for our kids as well as SDs. I'm also going to stipulate that whatever they don't use from the fund (if they get scholarships or whatnot), I'll keep it in mutual funds so it can keep growing and they can use it for a downpayment on a house when they're ready.
My college roommate was from MA and her dad had to pay until 23 too. We only have to pay until 18 for Michigan. I wonder if it's a MA thing? If you go back to court and the judge says you still have to pay until 23, I would fight to that you pay the college directly and NOT to BM. If you HAVE to pay it, might as well send it to a better place than the bottom of BMs liquor bottle, kwim?
We're currently in the process of setting up 529s for both kids. Due to a death in the family, we have some inheritance with which to start college funds.
I don't anticipate any help from the ex, so we'll be putting aside money each month for both kids. DS and DD are only 5 years apart, so it's not like there's a significant age difference.
CS goes down in a month or two when I stop working to stay home with DD. People have been encouraging me to ask my ex to pay the same amount so that we can save more for DS's education. But I don't know.
In your shoes, I think I'd fight to have the amount reduced and then use the difference to put together some funds for her college education.
It used to be that way 19, 21, or 23... Last year (2009) they changed it to 18 unless there was "special circumstances" That is a great idea though that if we do have to pay until 23, we pay it to the college NOT to BM!!! Good thinking
And yes, if we are able to get the CS reduced to the age of 18 - I would MORE than happily put that money (or 1/2 of it, whatever the amount) into a fund for SD's college.
DH and I both had to pay for our own college educations and we feel that a child (because at that age you are still a child) needs to feel some responsibility for thier education. We have seen too many kids flunk out or not take school seriously because it wasn't thier dollars paying for it.
That being said, we do have funds for each of the kids but the money will go to help with getting a car, books and some living expenses. Our children, included SD will need to get scholarships, loans and jobs to pay for college.
I am not personally contributing to SD's college fund. She has a mother who can do that. DH contributes to the funds for all the kids.