DH wants LO to CIO! Please help! — The Bump
Attachment Parenting

DH wants LO to CIO! Please help!

I know DS is still very young and I don't want to sleep train.  But he is getting really heavy for me.  I fractured my vertebrae several years ago and my back is not in the best shape.  So I've been trying to find a no cry method.  Unfortunatly, nothing I try is working. DS ends up crying no matter what.  I don't want him to cry, and DH is not being supportive.  I can kind of understand as DS is crying anyways, but at least it's in my arms and I'm trying to soothe him.  I've tried, NCSS, the Baby Sleep Book, The Sleep Lady Shuffle, The Baby Whisperer.  Please give me some suggestions!  Or should I justkeep on trying my "no-tears" method even if he is crying?
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Re: DH wants LO to CIO! Please help!

  • How long have you tried each of those methods?  I think that with any sleep training program, the key is consistency.  I know NCSS you have to do for at least 10 days, though they recommend going through the 10-day program again after the first time so that you can see the progress.  So I guess my advice would be to pick something and stick with it... I don't know of anything that automatically works the very first time you use it.
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  • I guess I should clarify my issue is not getting LO to STTN or sleep by himself after just a few days.  The problem I have is that DS cries even though I use these "no-cry" methods.  I don't mind if he fusses or even cries a little.  But these are screaming, turning purple cries.  I always make sure he gets to sleep when he is drowsy, not overtired.  We have a bedtime routine.  DH wants me to do the CIO method cause DS is already crying.  I don't know what to say to him or what to do to help LO sleep without tears. 
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  • a lot of sleep training methods wont work with a 3 month old, they aren't developed enough. can you give more info on what you are trying
  • Leaving him on his own to CIO is different than hand on working in getting him to sleep even if he is crying while you do it. Even if you follow a CIO method, I don't think any of them recommend it for babies that young. How are you putting him to bed? What are you expecting him to do without crying? Does he keep crying if you rock or nurse him? 3 months is still so young. Could there be something like colic or gas going on? Reflux when you lie him flat?
  • How long have you tried an of these approaches?  It doesn't seem like your LO has been here long enough :)  I agree with the PPs, 3 months is to young for any sort of sleep training and CIO will not work any better. From what I understand CIO is rather intensive as well, is DH willing to read the 400 page Ferber book?  If my DH were threatening CIO I would tell him to go ahead; read the book, do the work, etc.  If he's not participating now, you know he's not going to participate with CIO either.

    That said; 

    How are you deciding that its bed time?  Is laying down hurting? (ie reflux) Crying that much sounds like pain or extreme over tiredness. Babies need our help setting the scene for falling asleep and for us to recognize their natural sleep rhythms and respect them.

    The best things you could do are establish a good bedtime routine that is consistent.  Watch for sleepy cues and base your bed time on that.  Do some sleep logs from NCSS if your having trouble figuring out what the pattern is.

     

  • When did you start trying to sleep train. If you give each method 2 weeks (which IMO you sould probably give it longer than 2 weeks) you have been working on sleep training for 8 weeks. I think your little one is still to young to be working on sleep training and much much much to young to even attempt any type of CIO. Has your DH researched CIO? Have you? Have you checked with your doctor about the non stop crying?

    I know it is hard when you have a fussy baby, I have had 2. But it does get easier as time goes on. If your LO is really crying that much then it would be even more reason to NOT leave him in his room to cry along. It might be a sign that something is wrong (reflux?)

  • I really don't want to sleep train at this point.  However I am getting a lot of back pain, so I need to be able to put DS down at least part of the time.  I used to be able to hold him for 20 minutes and then put him down for 1-2 naps and then for the first part of bed.  The last 3 weeks, he wakes up when I put him down.  

    He doesn't like the swing, bouncer, stroller, car to sleep.  His bedtime is around 630 and we always start sleeptime before he gets overtired.  After his first wakeup after bed, we bring him to bed.  For naps I try to lay down with him, but he won't nap that way.  The only way he will nap is if I wear him.  Sometimes I can sit, other times he wakes if I sit.  

    I haven't tried any one method consistently because he cries so much.  The first few times I pick him up, he will cry, but after a while, I think he gets worked up and ends up screaming and getting purple.  I tried different things I read hoping to find a method where he doesn't go crazy.

    DH unfortunately doesn't get home until around 530 and DS will go to him during the day, but nights, he won't fall asleep with him.  So, I guess that's where I feel burnout and by night my back is really killing me.  

    If there is something I can do to help DS sleep with minimal tears please let me know.  Or if I just need to hang on for a while longer, then I guess I will just do my best to cope.  Thanks for your suggestions!

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  • Have you ever though just maybe he's not ready to sleep yet?

    I know everyone and their brother says to put them down tired but drowsy, but that does not work for my DS.  He needs to be beyond that point to go down, or else he too would scream bloody murder for a long time.

    I figure he's up that long anyhow, why not just let him do this thing for another 45 min. instead of fighting him to make him sleep?

    Just a thought.

  • image brideofaussie:

    Have you ever though just maybe he's not ready to sleep yet?

    I know everyone and their brother says to put them down tired but drowsy, but that does not work for my DS.  He needs to be beyond that point to go down, or else he too would scream bloody murder for a long time.

    I figure he's up that long anyhow, why not just let him do this thing for another 45 min. instead of fighting him to make him sleep?

    Just a thought.

    yes, this exactly for Emmy. I eventually just gave up on getting her to nap as much as "they" said she should and it's much easier on me. My thought would be maybe he just isn't that tired. If he doesn't go down easily after 1 or 2 times, just get him up and try again in a bit. 

  • I agree with the PP.  The biggest sleep revelation I had was that there was no way I was going to get her to sleep when she wasn't tired and it wasn't worth the effort of trying.  

    Also, despite all the books saying that bedtime should be between 6:30 and 7:30, DD went through a phase around 3-5 months where she wasn't ready for bed until closer to 9.  It has since migrated earlier, but we spent a lot of time "fighting" to keep her asleep from a sleep that started at 6:30 and what she wanted was a nap.  It's not like she could just hang out and read a book until she was tired, you know.

    I know it must be frustrating with your back, but what do you do the rest of the day when she is not sleeping?  Is there a better carrier that would be easier on your back?  Maybe just have her chill out in a bouncy with some music on while you check your email or read a book?  Can you put her in a swing and sit next to her?  Or lay her on the bed next to you and just hang out, without the pressure on either of you to sleep? 

  • Oh, and I'm kind of confused because you seem to be using "putting him down" and "sleeping" interchangeably.  Are you trying to hold him the whole time he is awake and trying to have him sleep every time you have to set him down?  Because I can see how you'd be at your wits end doing that. 

    Maybe you can find more "wakeful" activities that don't involve your holding him? 

  • One way I explained it to my DH (who gets lots of ridiculous/bad advice from his coworkers) is that when baby cries she is calling for us. Just because she doesn't have words doesn't mean her cry isn't meaningful. When she cries she is saying "Mommy come get me I'm alone/scared/need comfort/a change/milk/etc." If we weren't supposed to respond to babies' cries then we wouldn't have so many physical responses to them like milk letdown. 
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  • I'm pretty sure he's tired because if I hold him, he will go to sleep.  I basically wear him in my beco for all naps.  He sleeps about 6 hours, plus it takes 10-15 min for him to fall asleep.  Then at bedtime, it takes 10-15 minutes for him to sleep, plus I will hold him for at least 20 minutes until he gets into that deep sleep to put him down in his crib.  Lately he wakes up  a few minutes later or if I'm lucky 30 minutes later.  

    I used to be able to rock him back to sleep and then put him in his crib and he would sleep another 2-3 hours.  But now, he just cries if I put him down.  After about an hour of trying to get him back to bed I usually give up and bring him downstairs.  DH will hold him for an hour or so and I can get a couple of things done.  Then when we go up, I just bring him to bed and he sleeps pretty well.  He does get cranky sometimes and want me to sit up and nurse instead of side lying.  So maybe he does have some reflux or something.  

    I do try to do activities where I'm not holding him when he is awake.  But he's 16.5 lbs now and since I don't have anyone else to help me, at the end of the day, it just gets to be too much.  *Sigh*

    Do you think DS will just improve on his own?  Maybe he's going through a lot of developmental changes and so that's why he won't stay asleep?  If it's a "phase" I'm more apt to just keep holding him until he's at least a little older.   

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  • What happens if you put him to sleep somewhere other than in his crib?  Like in a swing or a bouncy seat?  Not saying to start that habit, but if he used to sleep and now he doesn't, I wonder if something is going on.  Congestion? Reflux? Teething?

    I never dealt with reflux, so I can't give advice on that.

    Did you say that you read the No Cry Sleep Solution?  She talks a lot about how to wean them from the rocking to sleep.

     We're going through a stage where DD won't sleep more than an hour or two in her crib but will sleep well in our bed.   Among other things, I suspect teething in her case. 

  • image jshf:

    Do you think DS will just improve on his own?  Maybe he's going through a lot of developmental changes and so that's why he won't stay asleep?  If it's a "phase" I'm more apt to just keep holding him until he's at least a little older.   

    Yes I do think its a phase and it will start to change on its own.  3.5 months was the toughest for us.  I tried everything and had to wear her and walk for all naps and was physically exhausted. And then things got better and I really don't think I had much to do with it :)

    Right now you're sort of in limbo between newborn and baby sleep and it sucks.  But babies grow up, and with that comes sleep :)

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