How can I tell the difference between... — The Bump
Preemies

How can I tell the difference between...

1) actually wanting another child

and

2) wanting to experience all the things I feel cheated out of with DD?

I see my OB/GYN next week for my annual and plan to discuss pregnancy after unexplained pPROM with her.  Aside from that, DH and I have decided to table the discussion for now.  We went into our first pg with the "one and done" attitude so it's not like we decided that based on the circumstances of DD's birth. 

I don't know...I feel like if maybe I could get past all the feelings that I've missed out on so many things, this wouldn't even be an issue...

 

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Re: How can I tell the difference between...

  • if you find out how to tell the difference.. let me know. :/

     

    (sidenote: we wanted more than one to begin with... so we're pretty sure we're going to get another by pregnancy, surrogacy, or adoption... someday.)

  • I was really jealous of women who had normal pregnancies and even those who were on bedrest at home.  I wanted to be pregnant again just to experience what I missed out on, not necessarily to have another baby.  Everything I wanted had to do with the pregnancy itself (register at BRU, wear maternity clothes, put the nursery together etc...) not actually caring for another baby.  That's how I knew the difference. 

     BUT, I got pregnant again and things have definetly changed.  This baby was 100% unplanned and I cried for a week after I found out I was pregnant.  I was scared of what could happen.  The good news is that I'm almost 32 weeks, no pPROM, no hospital bedrest (yay!).  I've been on modified bedrest since 21 weeks, but I can deal with that.  If you decide to have another baby, there is hope it can be much better then your 1st pregnancy.   

     

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  • I struggle with this as well.  We always planned to have more than one, but I figured I would wait a couple years. Now I feel like I am ready for another child, but I have to ask myself: is it the child I want, or the pregnancy and another "shot" at it.  Ugh, I wish I had some answers for ya, but I don't have them.
    BFP #1 - Chemical Pregnancy ----BFP#2 - DD born at 32 weeks-----BFP #3 Spontaneous Identical Twin Boys lost due to Missed M/C - on 7/1/11----BFP #4 Baby girl lost due to Trisomy 22 on 1/6/12 PGAL and PAL Always Welcome! Image and video hosting by TinyPic
  • Oh I totally get this although my situation is a little different.  DW was always going to carry #2 and now is totally scared to have another child.  I think that I was so sick I don't really get how scary it was for her.  She is on the fence about another child at this point.  I want another baby but I also want to experience the whole end of pregnancy bring the baby home with us experience.  I still feel cheated and there is probably zero chance that I will be getting my do over first hand.  By the time we are in a position to try again (dw is going to be in grad school for the next two years and since it is expensive for us to make a baby we will be waiting a bit for #2 if we even try)I will be in my 40s and that is just not a great idea considering my health issues.Crying 
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  • I think I figured it out!

     Does your family feel complete the size it is now? Does it feel like you need to add somebody to your family to make you as a group whole? 

    I realized a few weeks ago that our family feels complete, like we are a whole unit. I can't imagine bringing a stranger into our little home, it seems like it would be too much, just too many people. So I realized that we are done, though I would still love to experience a normal childbirth and all of the normal newborn things. But since our family is full it just isn't the right thing for us. Make sense?

  • image Mrs. Destructo:

    I think I figured it out!

     Does your family feel complete the size it is now? Does it feel like you need to add somebody to your family to make you as a group whole? 

    I realized a few weeks ago that our family feels complete, like we are a whole unit. I can't imagine bringing a stranger into our little home, it seems like it would be too much, just too many people. So I realized that we are done, though I would still love to experience a normal childbirth and all of the normal newborn things. But since our family is full it just isn't the right thing for us. Make sense?

    This is by far the best way that I have heard it explained/analyzed.

     DH and I thought long and hard about this one since I have been told more than once now that another pregnancy for me could be deadly.  However, our family still doesn't seem complete.  We had always pictured a house full of children and still do, so that's how we knew we weren't done.  We will just be adding, hopefully, by adoption in couple of years. 

     Good luck!

  • I like the pp's observation!

    I know we actually want another child because we wanted 3 before DS and our family doesn't feel "complete" yet.  I can imagine more!  Our experience with Andrew may limit our family size, but, we would like more ideally.

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  • image lemen99:

    I like the pp's observation!

    I know we actually want another child because we wanted 3 before DS and our family doesn't feel "complete" yet.  I can imagine more!  Our experience with Andrew may limit our family size, but, we would like more ideally.

    this is us exactly :) I hope for at least one more so Kevin can be a big brother

  • To be honest I cannot answer this other then to say we always wanted more then one child.  At this point we are putting it in the doctors hands.  I am making a pre-conception appointment to see what they say about my health and what they think. If they say it's risky then we will consider adoption or a surrogate.   I do feel cheated of the whole being hugely pregnant but like I said at this point it's out of my hands. 
  • I agree with Mrs. Destructo. We have 5, four from my previous marriage that he adopted and ours. I really thought I'd never feel "done". However, with that said I feel the same way as you described. It's defintely a finished feeling, I can't imagine another little personality in this colorful bunch!

    But....our friends just had their second last Tuesday, all perfect, perfect pictures, everyone happy. I found myself very emotional looking at the photos thinking "Kevin missed this...." I felt envious and cheated. Our birth with Lennon was horrible, no smiles, just fearful tears all the way through then the month in the nicu. No wonder he doesn't want to try again. I just realized I was feeling sad/mourning what he'll never know. Just a normal birth.

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