Adoption- Can you share a story? Repost from different section — The Bump
Adoption

Adoption- Can you share a story? Repost from different section

I posted this in a different section and a lot of answerers advised me to post here... I've gotten great supportive responses that I am eternally grateful for, but not as many real life stories as I am hoping for... so I will take their advice and try here... sorry if this is a repeat read for anyone. 

 

*sigh* Ok so I know a lot of you gals on here (yes I said "gals"... I'm from Texas :) ) are married and a few years my senior, but I'm looking for any other moms out there who are going to go through or have been through adoptions. Even if it was you that was adopted. First though, let me tell you the story...

I got pregnant with my fiance on accident, but was very excited to become a mom and give everything that I am and have to being a new mom. Then I found out my fiance was actually still married to another woman, something he had never mentioned. So... naturally... I took off. I'm young (20) and was not being careless (I was on preventative measures) but it happened. My family has come around me and embraced me, and for a long time I was set on keeping my child and raising him/her (I have my 1st ultrasound March 3rd to find out how and what he/she is :) ) myself as a single mom. But, finances and... just... overall strength has waned, and I made the decision to adopt out. Then a blessing happened.

Out of no where my mother called her cousin in California to tell him that I am pregnant and looking tentatively for an adoptive family, and would they, a family that had already been through one surrogacy,  be willing to adopt a relative and raise him/her as their own? It was an instant yes. And so my journey with the cousins I barely ever knew began. And what a journey it has been.

 The adoption is going well, but naturally I am scared that the child will come to an age where they might resent me for my decision (as the child will know that I am the biological mother, though I will play the role of an aunt...) .

I really just want to know if anyone has been through this or will go through this too, and how they are coping. My mom recently agreed to get me a dog, as I lost mine last August and spend a lot of my off-work time alone ( I work nights, they all work days). Of course, the adoption process with the dog is complicated too because it's a rescue and I have very little time to prepare for his arrival because he needs to be rescued asap before he ends up in a shelter. He's a calm, small (knee - height ) dog with the look of a border collie, and I feel a deep connection with him, like he knows I'm scared and need someone to confide in that won't talk back or voice opinions. 

 It's not like I'm going this alone. I have my family all around me, and a counselor on call 24 hours a day... but I really need been there done that stories or for people to tell me their experiences, however different they may be, with OPEN adoptions. 

 Thanks in advance for any and all stories... negative or positive. I really need to know the real world happenings of open adoptions and how they can turn out, whether good or bad. 

 Thanks Again!!! 

Re: Adoption- Can you share a story? Repost from different section

  • Well, first I want to say that I'm sorry about what happened with your fiancee.  That must have been very hard for you. 

    We have an open adoption agreement with our daughter's birthmother.  She was not able to parent and chose adoption for her child.  We had decided that an open adoption situation was something we really wanted to consider.  We feel that it's important for a child to know as much about his/her background as possible.  It's wonderful for him/her to have a connection to his/her birthparents (when it's possible and when it's in the best interest of the child.)

    When we met our daughter's birthmother, we just knew...we were really comfortable with her and it felt right.  She felt comfortable with us and wanted to continue with the adoption process. 

    Over the summer, we were able to see her -- she asked me to take her to a doctor appt. and I was able to hear the baby's heartbeat.  She also invited to me help her at a birthing class.  It was wonderful because not only were those really big events, but I also got the chance to talk to her more and learn more about her.

    We have spoken with Z, our daughter's birthmom, twice since Zoe's birth.  We email weekly (sometimes 2-3 a week, depending on her schedule and ours.)  We are planning for her to visit us next month. 

    I think the main thing is that Z was very upfront about what she wanted -- letters, pictures, and up to 2 visits/ year.  We were very upfront with what we were okay with and we will follow through on our promise.  We want Zoe to know that she has two moms, two dads, and lots of grandparents!  We think it's a good thing that she has so much love around her. 

    I will say that in the beginning we weren't sure about it -- we didn't know much about it at all.  But by learning about open adoption with our agency and by doing a lot of reading on our own, we feel that it's in our daughter's best interest.  And it's in our daughter's birthmother's best interest as well.  And that's what's important.  We couldn't be happier.

    All the best to you.

    <a target="_blank" title="http://wendy-steve-andg3.blogspot.com/" href="http://wendy-steve-andg3.blogspot.com/">Our Adoption Blog</a>
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  • I'm sorry you are going through a tough time right now.  I am on the adoptive family side of your story, so hopefully that can help you.

    My DD is also my niece.  Her birthmother is my sister.  So we've adopted within the family and it is obviously an open adoption.  At first this was a little strange because all the roles in my family have been changed a bit.  Sometimes it's still an issue with aunts/uncles/cousins, but mostly we've figured it out.

    My DD was removed from custody and placed into foster care because she was born with meth in her system.  My sister couldn't get it together so that's why my DD was placed for adoption.  It wasn't a choice on my sister's part, so there was a lot of anger, but also a lot of gratefullness on her part.

    My DD is only 2, but we show her pictures of her BM all the time and talk about her.  We have a special name for her, but mostly just refer to her by her first name.  My family refers to DD as my daughter, but also as my sister's daughter.  My inlaws just refer to her as our DD.  At first it was hard for me to accept that my DD had two mothers, two fathers.  Now, though, it seems completely normal.  That's just how it is for my DD.

    We live out of state, but see family 2-3x a year.  My sister is back in jail on drug charges, but we have seen her once since the adoption was finalized.  It was surprisingly normal and relaxed.  We hope my sister can one day get it together and we will be able to have her in my DD's life.  My DD also has two bio siblings (now also cousins to her) that she hasn't met, but sees pictures of.  They have been placed with they're paternal grandmother, but we hope to see them when we are in town next time.

    If you have any other questions, I'd be happy to answer them!

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  • Due to privacy, I'm going to send you a private message on our adoption and relationship with our son's birth mother. 

    To check private messages, in case you don't know, scroll down on the left hand side until you see a heading 'my boards' and under that is a link to 'check private messages.

     

  • I'm so sorry to hear about your fiance -- that is horrible.  :(

    I can understand your fears and concerns, as they were some of the same that we discussed with Payton's birthmother.  We are lucky to have an open adoption (so open that she knows where we live and vice versa, we've spent holidays together, her other kids love to come over to our house to swim, etc) and she and her family can see Payton anytime they want.  We provide pictures as well and talk on the phone often.

    Even though our daughter is still an infant, we already tell her her story.  We make sure that she knows that she is loved by so many people, including her birthfamily.  We have a photo album of family members and her birthfamily is in included and we point them out by name and when we talk about her birthmother we tell her that she grew in her tummy.  We've spent many hours talking about how to make sure that Payton knows that she was loved and that there be no possibility of resentment and the way we came up with is to always be honest with her and to maintain the open relationship.  It isn't easy, but we are all adults and are doing what we think is best for Payton.  And if those feelings do come up, we have all agreed to discuss them with her and make sure she gets any help she needs to deal with them.  

    I hope this gives you some more information to think about.  You have the "power" so to speak to decide on how open or closed your adoption will be, so make sure you let the adoptive parents know your feelings about it and what you think is best for your child.

    I wish you all of the luck!

  • I was adopted as an infant - my adoptive family (henceforth referred to as *just* my family) took me home from the hospital when I was discharged at 3 days old, and the adoption was finalized ~4 months later.

    As was common in the 70s, the adoption was, in theory, a closed adoption, although my birth mother stayed with my dad's parents for a few weeks before I was born (she was from CA, I was raised in TX - she apparently traveled here for the birth), so my parents got to know her a bit.

    Growing up, I always knew I was adopted.  Although I never resented my birth mother for her choice, I did struggle some (especially as a teenager) to understand why.  This might have been less of a struggle with a more open adoption, where I could have asked my BM those questions when I was struggling with it.  In college, I sought counseling because I had some issues dealing with feelings of abandonment - this could have been a lingering issue of the adoption, or it could have been related to a really unhealthy relationship I was in late in HS/early in college.

    Two years ago, just months before my wedding, my BM found me on a social networking website.  I was 29 years old.  She said she'd been looking for me since I turned 18 (when the protective order issued at the adoption finalization expired).  Her appearance in my life sent me on a rollercoaster of emotions and questions - this would have been completely avoided in a more open arrangement, as she would have always been around.  She really wants a relationship with me now, but for me, it's very difficult.  I keep my communications with her at the most basic level (although, right now she knows about our struggles with infertility, and my parents don't - I wanted to get medical history related to women's health issues and told her why).  

    I know my situation was different than what you've asked for, but I told you about it because, ultimately, I think open (or at least semi-open) adoption would have been so much better for me, emotionally, especially as I got older.  

    I wish you the best of luck.  You're making perhaps the most unselfish decision a person can possibly make, and I know it must be very, very difficult.  It's great that you have the support of your family as you go through this.

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  • I was going to write my answer all the way out but I'm gonna send you a PM instead haha.

  • well in our situation we there for v's birth and had our own room in the hospital  bm said it was up to us with how much contact we want to have. she even put our last name on the birth certificate. we send letter2 times a year but she has never responded. i kind of wish it was a more open situation but she does know what state we live in and we know what state she lives in.  maybe as time goes by we will have a more open relationship. 
  • I am a BM.  My daughter is 12 years old and we have an open adoption, my DH and I just had "our" first baby 3 months ago.  As you can imagine, my relationship with my daughter is going through transition now into this new phase of our lives and I honestly cannot tell you whether she will reject me now that she is older and I have started a family of my own.  What I can tell you is that while I was pregnant with my daughter I knew in my heart that she was meant to be adopted by her parents (who I met through an adoption agency) and have always felt more like an aunt to her than like her mother.  Over the past 12 years I have developed a beautiful relationship with her and her family but have always known that at some point as she aged the boundaries of our relationship would be dictated by her instead of by her parents or by me. Up until now our relationship has been very open - seeing each other several times a year and participating in major life mile stones, etc.  I can now feel them pulling away and I somewhat expected that and am just very thankful that I have had the past 12 years to see her grow and to know that she is happy.  I'm not sure if this information helps - or even answers your questions - as I usually don't post but felt compelled to reach out to you.  Please feel free to PM me if you would like.

  • My story is similar to SallyJ...my DD is a "sortof" relative. My brother and his wife had a baby, and shortly thereafter passed away. Fast forward 10 years and his widow had a baby that was born with Heroin in her system. We became emergency foster parents and are finalizing our adoption in just 14 days.

    DD will always know she is adopted, and will see he BM 1-2 times per year. Having her sister live with us I am sure will help, and she can help her through those difficult teen years, at least I hope so.

  • I am a bit late. Our DD is a member of our extended family. BM has been addicted to drugs for years and we have not had contact with her. When DD was born BM did not know she was pregant so the birth put everyone in a spin. DD was born addicted so was taken into custody at birth. BM's parents took DD as foster parents and decided that it was too much for them at their age to handle. BM's sister was going to take DD but backed out so we were asked. We now have DD in our home and waiting to finalize next month.

    We do not have contact with BM because she is in Canada and has made no effort to contact us. We do have contact with the rest of the family sending pictures often and talking on the phone weekly. We do plan t have visits but have not set a time because of other things that happened along the way. DD will know all her family............. if BM cleans up we will visit her in Canada down the road.

     

  • I was adopted with my twin brother. We were born at home 2 months early. Airflight saved our lives. My birth parents (who are now both deceased unfortunately) CPS was called due to neglect and extreme poverty. CPS gave us back twice. The second time they handed us over and said they couldn't handle it and that was it.

    Closed adoption and I only filled in the holes after they died. 

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