Baby shower after a stillbirth?

gigi_rafael

I'm not sure what to do. In my last pregnancy I lost my daughter at 39 wks. I had a beautiful baby shower and glad I did..although it was painful to have so much hope and planning only to lose her later.

This time I'm having a good pregnancy, 33 wks along and they plan on inducing at 37 wks. This time it's a boy and all along I've said no baby shower out of fear. Now I'm feeling kind of guilty for not celebrating him and trusting his healthy arrival. I was thinking of having a shower in 3 wks after a friend offered.

Not sure how to treat this- do i let my friends throw a baby shower or wait until after he's born. I've had mixed feelings about after since who knows how I will feel after the birth.
Just wondering what other moms after stillbirth have felt about baby showers in subsequent pregnancies....did it help to wait until after or was it ok to have the baby shower before?

kimmie321

I have not had a stillbirth. But I wanted to say I am so sorry for the loss of your little girl and I will be thinking of you in the coming weeks.

Mskharis

I have not experienced a stillbirth, but I wanted to say I am sorry for your loss, and I'm praying for your new LO. If you are apprehensive about a shower, I dont see the harm in planning one after he is born. Lots of people have showers afterwards for a number of reasons. Some babies end up coming early before the date of the shower. IMO, if it were me in your shoes, I would probably wait until after he came, only because I know how I am and I would have bad memories when its supposed to be a happy time. If you have it after he is born, you will for sure have a reason to celebrate!! GL!

BeachBride72106

Sorry for your loss and congrats on this pregnancy.  We lost our first son at 32 weeks.  I was really thankful that his baby shower was scheduled for 2 weeks after everything happened so I didn't have to worry about what to do with all of the gifts.  This time everyone tried to encourage me to wait until after the baby arrived for a shower.  I really didn't want to do this.  For the general public it was a "surprise" baby and I didn't want a lot of gender specific gifts.  (sounds selfish I know).  I also really wanted to celebrate this baby rather than hide from the worst thing imaginable happening again.   So we had a small friends shower before.  It actually took place at the hospital because I was placed on hospital bed rest for the last few weeks of my pregnancy and all turned out wonderful.  I hope yours does too in what ever you decide.  I was also planning a family meet and greet shower after the birth but of course that was about the time of the flu outbreak so that never happened.  If I would have waited for both showers I have a feeling neither would have happened because of the flu and that would have been really sad.

popcorn13

I dont' have personal experience but wanted to say I'm so sorry for your loss.  Congrats on your pregnancy and I'm glad to hear all is going well.  I think personally it would be nice to celebrate your expected baby boy with a small group.  Just your closest friends and family.  Maybe a small gathering at a restaurant or something a little less "showery"?  If your more comfortable with a celebration afterwards I think it would be really nice and everyone could meet LO.  Either way, I think everyone will understand your decision and you have to be comfortable with what you decide.  Best of luck to you and hope to see you on PAL really soon!

gigi_rafael

Thanks for all of your kind words. It means a lot

shihtzumomma

I had a baby shower before DD was born. I didn't have one with DS since he was born earlier than your baby was.

If I were you, I'd do the shower after your DS arrives.

I'm sorry for your loss, and congrats on your DS!

maramarrie

I had not had a shower with my stillbirth, but when time came to plan one for Harris, everyone was hesitant to plan too far in advance (they had already started planning the one for Clark when he died). Unfortunately, I don't know what I'd do. Did you keep the gifts from your daughter's shower? If so, are there things that you need or don't need? If you had gotten every.single.thing from your first shower, it may not seem appropriate to have a shower for gifts. But you could always have a party/gathering to celebrate this child and say that because you have previously had a shower, gifts are not necessary. Those who want to buy gifts and blue stuff will likely do it anyhow. If there are things you need I don't think there is anything wrong with having a gift shower before he comes, as long as you are comfortable.

 I hope I understood your dilemma accurately. I don't know if I helped.

xnbride

I can't even imagine. I am so very sorry for your loss.  I have personally never experienced a still birth but from a purely therapeutic and practical standpoint I think that having the shower prior to his arrival would be beneficial.  However, I think that if it were me, I would probably wait until after he arrived but mostly out of fear.  I think it is always best to plan for the best and prepare for the best. I often do not follow this and tend to prepare for the worst, but I think it does kind of steal something away when always living in fear of the unknown. I have really been trying to work on this in my own life. 

bottom line is you need to do what is right for  you.  You can always have the shower prior to his arrival but wait to set everything up.  I personally can't imagine having a shower with a newborn plus you will need all that stuff and end up buying it anyways and then have to take back alot of things.  Plus it is hard to play hostess when you are in a sleep deprived stupor.

BeckyS1211

I am so sorry about your sweet baby Julia, big hugs to you.  Congrats are in order for you current pgcy though!  I lost my son Noah at 22w.  We weren't far enough along to have had a shower, however plans were in the works.  With Carson's pgcy I celebrated every moment, taking belly pics every week, doing a maternity shoot, and had a fabulous baby shower.  I didn't want to miss a single thing, with Noah's pgcy I kind of took things for granted.  If you are uncomfortable having a shower you could always do a meet and greet once your LO is here.  Sending you tons of strength to make through the rest of your pregnancy!

JEOZ

I am so sorry for your loss.  I lost my baby after birth and I was definately nervous to have a shower for this one, but I decided I wanted to celebrate this baby to the fullest.  I ended up having three showers (2 were surpises all thrown by different people) and I am so happy we did.  I was really much much more prepared for Nicolas than I was for Mia, my first.

I definitely had some freak outs. Much of the stuff I didn't open and I kept all the receipts until the baby was home and healthy. 

 Do what will make you feel most secure.  Don't do agree to anything that will make you feel uncomfortable. 

jeffrae

I am so sorry for your loss.  Really, do whatever makes you feel best.  I think either way would be great.  After LO gets here....you will be very tired and not up for a shower.  But perhaps a meet and greet with gifts?

coolteacher79

I am so sorry for your loss. Losing a child is really, really hard.

We didn't have a shower when I was pregnant with Isaac, because we knew from 12 weeks that his prognosis was very poor.

When I got pregnant with Eliana, I was very apprehensive about having a baby shower, setting up the nursery, doing anything to really prepare for her. And while it has been hard in some ways to do those things because I have been walking through all the things I never got to do for Isaac, it has also been really healing to be able to celebrate her.

Several folks asked me if I was comfortable with having a shower, and if so, whether I wanted it to be a surprise, how I would like it to be handled etc. I ended up having 5 showers (yup!! crazyness...). One was a pretty large family/friends shower (40ish people), one was with my neighbors and some local friends (about 12 people), one was with some former co-workers (about 10 people), and then one at my job, and one at DH's job. None of them were surprises, none of them included baby games (my request), and at all of them, people were very sensitive to the bitter-sweet aspect of it.

I think it really depends on your comfort level. You really don't need a lot of things for baby ahead of time, and so if you'd be more comfortable having a shower afterwards, then go with that.

It's all really hard to navigate, being pregnant again after losing your child. There's no "right way" to handle it.

Thinking of you, and wishing you the best for this pregnancy.