I have a sad husband. Need some help... — The Bump
Adoption

I have a sad husband. Need some help...

So, G and I have largely been on the same page about fertility treatments and adoption.  He has always been very supportive of me throughout all the IUIs and IVF, FETs etc.  He has always been clear with what he would like to do (perhaps pursue IVF one more time) but that it was my body and this is ultimately my decision.

After our failed FETs we put in the application for adoption and I feel such an immense relief and serenity with this new path.  Looking back I feel like IVF was this black hole of hellish emotions, constant tension, fear and unhappiness.  Not to mention the physical part of the pain of the ER process (I couldn't get off the couch for 3 days afterwards) and constant crippling exhaustion from all the drugs, instant weight gain etc.  Basically, I feel like it was hell and I'm on the other side and it is so much better.  I feel happy again, I feel like we are back to ourselves.

G's brother had a baby this week though, and all of a sudden he is really upset.  And wants to try IVF, and is starting to ask why we aren't pursuing it actively right now.  We had a talk last night about it, and I get that he is clearly acting out because he is sad about this, but he said that it feels like he is the only one who really wants a baby now.  I am content to wait for the adoption to happen because I know that it will, and all of a sudden he is feeling like it won't happen and we need to start doing treatments again until we get one or the other.  He just wants the fastest way to get a baby.  (our clinic is fine with us doing treatments while on the list)

I'm not sure what to think.  On the one hand, I am open to doing another round of IVF.  Our doctors recommended it, G really wants it and I have to admit, I have some curiousity about it.  But on the other hand, I feel like this is just such a bad time.  I am up for a promotion at work this summer and I really need to be on my A game for the next few months to prove that I deserve it, I can't afford a dip in my productivity.  I feel really commited to the adoption process and if we got pregnant, I think I would grieve never seeing this through.  And to be perfectly honest, just thinking about walking into the clinic makes my throat feel like it's closing over. 

I'd like for us to see a counselor about this, just to help us get on the same page again, but not sure G will go.  He sees counselling as something to do only when there is a big problem and our marriage is in trouble, which it's not.  But I am just struggling with how to support him but balance our needs when they are sort of at cross purposes right now.

Sorry, this turned really long.  I'm not sure what I am after, but can anyone offer some perspective?  Advice?  Opinions? 

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Re: I have a sad husband. Need some help...

  • If you can afford IVF and don't mind, I say go for it and do both.

    Personally, I would need lots of counseling before and during treatments before I jumped in again.  They put me on an emotional rollercoaster that was just wretched.  Plus the financial toll, since we don't have IF coverage -- every failed cycle would just sink me deeper and deeper into depression.

    But this is a decision for YOU and your husband to make.  And nothing says if you got pg, you couldn't adopt as well.  I don't understand your comment about grieving never seeing the adoption through if you got pregnant.  Unless you only intend to have one child.

  • imageMrsB2007:

    But this is a decision for YOU and your husband to make.  And nothing says if you got pg, you couldn't adopt as well.  I don't understand your comment about grieving never seeing the adoption through if you got pregnant.  Unless you only intend to have one child.

    Sorry, should have clarified this.  If we get pregnant, our agency immediately puts our file on hold and we aren't eligible to adopt until a year after the child has been born.  All of our family live on the other side of the country and we have always talked about moving back when we do have children so that they can grow up near our families.  So, yes, it will always be possible for us to adopt again, but it would be somewhere else and we would have to start from scratch again.   I guess I would always grieve the idea of THIS adoption and what this process could have ended up with. 

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  • How did he feel before the baby was born? I think sometimes we all get depressed and feel like it's never going to happen. And when I feel like that, I feel like, "I have to do something. Anything." and that in the past has led me to want to rashly start IF treatments. I didn't do it, but I felt like if I didn't, I would never have a baby. When you feel depressed about the situation and powerless that idea gives you a way to feel like you have control. So it sounds a lot like that could be what's going on. I am sure he is very happy for his brother, but it can be really hard, as I am sure you well know, to see others have a baby when you desperately want one.

    I would let it set for awhile honestly. When I have felt like this, time helps with my rashness. Even if IVF is the right decision for you guys, you still don't want to choose it lightly so I think time is good. If in a month he still feels the same, then I would really consider counseling if you don't think dropping the adoption is the way to go because you really need to be on the same page. Not that you should ignore him for a month, just say you think you should both think on it for a bit.

    I agree that if you pursued IVF, you would both probably grieve the temporary end to the adoption process so it is a big decision.

  • This may be an unpopular opinion, but could you agree to table it until the promotion comes through? That would give you time to assess how you feel about IVF, and maybe come to terms with the anxiety you feel (I've been there, I took an IF treatment break because I was having anxiety attacks about going to the RE again). And it would give your DH time to either hear "oh, the baby is so cute and has MY eyes" OR "we're sleep deprived, the baby has colic, I'm covered in pee", which may either make his desire to do IVF stronger or make him appreciate the couple time you have more.

    And if your DH isn't willing to go to counseling, there's nothing stopping you from going and maybe getting some insights on how to have this conversation, and possibly when.

  • I'm so sorry you are facing this.

    I know you've talked to your husband about this, but have you told him exactly what you told us?  Have you explained to him that you are on the fence about resuming treatments, and exactly why?  It might not hurt to print out your OP and show it to him, so he can see that you aren't just discounting his emotions and desires, but that the idea of returning to the RE is overwhelming for you right now.

    As for giving up on this adoption if you get pregnant, I'm not sure that has to happen.  My husband and I have always planned for him to quit his current job/career and for us to relocate to the mountains, but we adjust our timeline based on the circumstances of our lives.  First, we wanted to save more money, now we want to finalize the adoption.  Once that's done, we are now planning for me to start my job search in the new area.  My point is that you can keep your plan to raise your child(ren) near your family, but just delay it a few years--long enough to have the biological child and complete the adoption, too.

    I hope you and your husband come to a resolution you can both feel comfortable with soon.


  • {{hugs}}

    I think counseling would be great to get all of your cards on the table and sort through how to meet both of your needs here.  And if your DH won't go, you can always go on your own. 

    I can't give advice on the rest, but talking to your DH and sorting through both of your needs and priorities is important.  Also, his throwing out that you don't want a baby as much as he does is childish and unfair and speaks to an inability to properly communicate his emotions. Counseling will help with that.

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  • imageDr.Loretta:

    This may be an unpopular opinion, but could you agree to table it until the promotion comes through?

    And if your DH isn't willing to go to counseling, there's nothing stopping you from going and maybe getting some insights on how to have this conversation, and possibly when.

    Thanks girls for the advice.  Honestly, just typing out how I feel and getting my thoughts organized was a huge help.  We've talked it all out and all is well again.  Dr Loretta, funnily enough, your solution was exactly where we landed.

    We are going to wait until the summer so that I can get the promotion squared away, see if anything is happening on the adoption front and give me time to get my head around it.  If nothing has happened, then we are going to do one final round of IVF.  I totally get his point, the doctor said that it typically takes 2 fresh cycles and he feels like we are only half done because we only did 1 fresh cycle and 2 FETs.  We have the means for another round, let's just either have success or cross it off our list for good.

    And you are bang on about the counselling.  WE as a couple don't need it, I as a future patient need it to process what is making me feel so anxious. 

    Thanks girls as always!!  xo

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