"other people raising my kids" to the extreme

makclair

I don't want to start another one of those debates, but I was seriously floored by this the other day on the blog of a friend of a friend.

"i'm still trying to figure out my role in/out of the home, and how to be involved in ministry without sacrificing what's best for my family or letting the church nursery workers partially raise my children"

HUH? You can't be involved in something away from your kids at all??

I still don't get this argument, b/c it seems like the dad is still "raising" them, yet he works all day, but when mom isn't there 24/7, she's apparently letting other people raise them.

wheelenl

Actually, I see her point. Wait. Hear me out.

Before I went back to work and I was a miserable SAHM and didn't realize what it was I needed/wanted for my family and me, I was always doing this and that church thing on the days that they had childcare. Or using the gym daycare for two hours a day.

But the difference was, it was random childcare, not a caregiver whom I selected to help take care of my kids, with a strategy in place for how to do so. 

I realized, gee, if I'm going to be away from my kids, I might as well A) be productive and leave them in a situation that will be familiar to them with consistent caregivers who have a stake in my child.

Make sense? That may not be her point, but it does make sense to me.

roshybride

wheelenl:

Actually, I see her point. Wait. Hear me out.

Before I went back to work and I was a miserable SAHM and didn't realize what it was I needed/wanted for my family and me, I was always doing this and that church thing on the days that they had childcare. Or using the gym daycare for two hours a day.

But the difference was, it was random childcare, not a caregiver whom I selected to help take care of my kids, with a strategy in place for how to do so. 

I realized, gee, if I'm going to be away from my kids, I might as well A) be productive and leave them in a situation that will be familiar to them with consistent caregivers who have a stake in my child.

Make sense? That may not be her point, but it does make sense to me.

What you said makes sense. But I highly doubt that is what she meant.

 

14years

That's definitely taking it to the extreme.  When she and her husband go out on a date, is the babysitter raising her kids, and is that bad?

I know you said you didn't want to start the whole debate again, but for the record, honestly, I do sort of see where the "raising my kids" faction is coming from.  I believe DS's teachers at school are helping DH and I "raise" him, depending on what you think "raising" a child means.  The difference is, I think this is a positive thing, not a negative thing. 

madhatter2003

I'll agree that I know others are helping 'raise' my kids...but that's a good thing not a bad thing. In the past grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc all helped 'raise' kids. You know, the whole "it takes a village" thing.

Now my 'village' just includes teachers, etc as well as family.

Teresa

wheelenl:

I realized, gee, if I'm going to be away from my kids, I might as well A) be productive and leave them in a situation that will be familiar to them with consistent caregivers who have a stake in my child.

Thank you.  I was having a horrible mommy guilt ridden day yesterday and this made me feel much better.  I do love my dcp and she has taught my kids all kinds of things that I don't think I would have even thought to cover on my own.  This is the perfect situation for me, and I needed this statement to help me get back to realizing it. 

shouldbworkin

makclair:

II still don't get this argument, b/c it seems like the dad is still "raising" them, yet he works all day, but when mom isn't there 24/7, she's apparently letting other people raise them.

I agree with this, it is a double standard.  And, I believe that other people are helping me care for my children, but they are not helping me raise them.  To me, "raise them" means to impart my values on them, to pay for their housing, food, clothing, education, etc., to determine the method of discipline that best suits my child and apply it (others can only apply it upon DH and/or my consent and they can't chose the method), etc.  It is more than changing diapers, preparing and feeding them food and playing with them.  Not that this isn't important, I went to great lengths to chose the proper people to do this for my children, but again, chosing the people who help you care for your children is part of raising them, IMO.  Their grandparents and teachers don't do this, nor would I want them to.

katesmom73

My dd is almost 6 and has been with her in home provider since she was 3 months old.  I have never felt that I am not her mother and never really thought that her DCP was "raising her" but I have to acknowledge that she's been a HUGE part of my daughter's life and has had a major impact on how she's been raised.  I look at it as more of a partnership than anything and though it wasn't easy in the beginning - I worried I'd be replaced - it has worked out in the end and I plan on sending my son to her when he is born.

mysticporter

makclair:

I still don't get this argument, b/c it seems like the dad is still "raising" them, yet he works all day, but when mom isn't there 24/7, she's apparently letting other people raise them.

While I'm sure there are some women that are this way too, there are a decent chunk of fathers who I don't see as particularly doing much to raise their kids.  Somehow it's almost like it's not that they're still "raising" them, it's that they get a free pass not to.  It's not universal, but I know several families where the dad goes to work, comes home, maybe plays with the kids a bit, and that's it (both SAHM and WM families).  I know men who have never changed a diaper, only give their baby a bottle as a novelty, never put the kids to bed, never give them a bath, and have virtually nothing to do with their daily activities outside of happening to cohabit the same house and maybe playing ball on the weekends.  How is that doing much of anything to raise anybody, and the weird thing (to me) is, their wives seem to write it off as "he's just one of those guys".  Would anyone actually say "Oh, that's just how she is" about a woman who did so little to care for her children outside of playing with them when it's fun to?