Speaking of SAHD...

MsShoshi

Ok, so I'm a little relieved to see a recent post on SAHD... just knowing that I wasn't the only one out there contemplating it/living it.  My husband has been laid off for over a year now.  I have been the only one working - which I will admit, gets a little frustrating for me, especially being pregnant.  Now that we are expecting and almost due, being a sahd has been a topic of conversation.  At this time, I don't know that I would want to be a sahm - besides the job I have currently brings a decent income and great benefits - that and my side party job, I do pretty ok for us.  I'm just reaching out here for opinions, I guess... experience with this...  I would love for him to start working and making an income, but is it worth it?  And I'm totally dreading all the negative commentary and opinions of family, friends, etc.  Don't know what I'm looking for with this post, maybe something will strike a nerve and help me with this decision...

Thanks,

Sho

Maine333

My husband is starting his life as a SAHD tomorrow morning at 7:30 a.m.!  My husband's job was in sales and involved a lot of overnight travel and was not going to work with a family.  We decided to have him leave it and stay at home with LO (while getting certified to teach on line so that when the kids are older, he can teach). 

I think it is going to work out great for us.  He is a real kid type of guy and is very responsible/protective.  I think that, like women, some guys are cut out for the stay at home life and some aren't.  He really is- he does everything with the baby that I would and sees it as a real job.  

 In terms of family/society, etc.  we haven't had much trouble.  I think my Mom had some trouble getting used to the idea but she has come around since she has seen him with DS so much.  

 I am a little jealous but I figure that the grass always looks greener- I am sure going back to work will be good for  me in some ways.

Good luck with your decision.

tidetravel

For us, it really came down to a money issue.  DH worked as a server.  Assuming that he had really GREAT $ days, all the time, he would just make enough money to cover the cost of full time infant care.  It wasn't worth it - he would basically be paying to work.  Plus, we both REALLY wanted one of us to be home with LO.  As it turns out, he found a job working overnights.  While it is hard on him, it supplements our income (because I take LO while he is working) and it gives him a feeling of providing.  Working was a decision that he made, but it was always with the understanding that his #1 job was "dad."

As for friends/family - whatever.  His mom is openly sexist and has voiced concerns about it, but we simply point out that times have changed and this is what is best for OUR family. 

taureanbuddhist

with us it was a money, school and opportunity issue.  I have a really good job for our area, make pretty good money and the benefits are good too...hubby is getting out of the military when LO is 2/3 months old and will be going to school full time and getting paid by the GI Bill to do so...so LO will be in full time child care for a few months and then part time once hubby gets out of the military/starts school full time...i wish that i had the opportunity to stay home with LO, but i already have my degree and this allows hubby time to go to school and help out as a SAHD too...granted we will not be making what we make now, but we are saving money in the meantime in case of 'emergencies' that may arise once he is not working anymore...

i guess that i was the one that had the hardest time dealing with it (between hubby and i), but it is the best decision for our family and he has already agreed to get a PT job if the funds are needed.  in the meantime we are paying off bills and doing our best to live on what we would make when he gets out of the military...and since our families don't pay our bills for us, it isn't their choice really...so far they all seem to be minding their own business:)

mysticporter

It's all about your personality types and your perspectives.  Like I said in the other post, we chose to be a WM/SAHD couple before we decided to have kids.  DH is very happy and fulfilled in his role, I'm happy and fulfilled in mine, and it works well for our family.  Like PP, said, not all people (male or female) are cut out for SAH, and not all people are comfortable or happy being the sole breadwinner.  If he's a SAHD, your DH will no longer be "unemployed", he'll be making a very large contribution to your family.  Can/do you have that perspective?  Does he?  That's one of the hot button issues in some couples that I've seen...either the mom resents being the only one with the income, or the bias of traditional gender roles is to big for the SAHD to be happy not filling a monetary provider positions.  Another hot button issue is household responsibilities.  In our family, DH does most of the stuff around the house, part and parcel of being home a lot more.  Some WM/SAHD families, the mom still does the housework after she gets home, and it can be a source of bitterness.  Finally, how willing are you to let him be the one in charge of LO most of the time, and how willing is he to fill that role?  Some mom's get on a 'mom is right' kick and micromanage their DH to death, which doesn't work for SAHD's who need to be the ones making the calls and doing things their way during the day.

nnbarriere

tidetravel:

For us, it really came down to a money issue.  DH worked as a server.  Assuming that he had really GREAT $ days, all the time, he would just make enough money to cover the cost of full time infant care.  It wasn't worth it - he would basically be paying to work.  Plus, we both REALLY wanted one of us to be home with LO.  As it turns out, he found a job working overnights.  While it is hard on him, it supplements our income (because I take LO while he is working) and it gives him a feeling of providing.  Working was a decision that he made, but it was always with the understanding that his #1 job was "dad."

As for friends/family - whatever.  His mom is openly sexist and has voiced concerns about it, but we simply point out that times have changed and this is what is best for OUR family. 

We've decided for dad to work overnights also. I think it's great that we'll be the primary care providers, at least for a while. We are not even worried about what our family or friends have to say about it because at the end of the day...it's not their life.

nemtown

DS is home during the day. He's looking for full time day work right now and we don't know if it's worth it. Daycare will cost about $150 per week, which means DH will need to make $150 more per week than he does now just to break even! (He's a PT bartender)

The negative commentary comes mainly from my mom. She's all over the board. Before we were even thinking about having a baby, DH told me he wanted his wife to be a SAHM. That's what he was raised with. In addition to my thoughts about that, my mom told me SAHMs don't get any respect and that I should work. When she found out DH was going to stay home, she thought it was unfair and that I should stay home. Whatever, mom.

Now she thinks it's unfair that DH can stay home and play all day but I can't. She thinks it's unfair that I work and still contribute to the upkeep of the household. She thinks DH should do it all since I make the money.

Commentary will come. You just need to be able to stand up to people and say, "This is what works for us and you don't have to understand it." But also keep in mind that DH should have to do more household work than you--not just taking care of baby. You will work all day and take care of baby at night. He should have to do more than just take care of baby during the day and do nothing at night.

Good luck!

Shauna07

My husband has been a SAHD for almost 18 months now, and he loves it! He originally left his job to start his own consulting business before our first son was born.  When DS#1 was born, he offered to take care of him and I agreed because I enjoy my job and I have a good salary.  He's never once complained or had any regrets about his decision to take care of DS#1. 

He just tells me how much fun they have all the time, and I think it's wonderful! Of course I get jealous sometimes, occasionally thinking that I should be the one at home...DS#2 is due in May, and DH is going to take care of both of them.  We know it's going to be different, but again -- DH is so wonderful and does a great job taking care of DS#1.  I know he'll be great taking care of both of them

All of our friends support this set up, but my MIL and FIL are skeptical...I think it's their generation -- they believe babies should have their mommies at home and I know they think "how could he do as good a job?"....which is ignorant, because DH does equally and in some areas a better job than I regarding taking care of DS#1.

I say you two should go for it!

jc&cat

A little late on this response but just want to provide my support as well. All of these ladies make excellent points. If you guys are on the same page and it's a fit for your personalities/style I say go for it! DH has been a SAHD since last March and it has been a good fit for us and a wonderful experience for our little family. DS is doing great at home and DH has him out and about all the time or doing things. He is learning so much. I am so impressed by DH and how he has embraced this role.

It's nice to see so many of us on this board. Would be nice if we had a little board to ourselves b/c it is a very different situation and support would be helpful.

Shauna07, you guys are a bit ahead of us and I love what you said above. We're considering TTC #2 and wondering if we're going to keep our same SAHD situation. Your comments are so positive and looks like you are ready for the new challenge of 2!  

 

SweetBaby2004

DH has been a SAHD for 5+ yrs now by choice (I get asked that all the time "Oh, did he lose his job?" or "Did you chose to do this?").  I am on maternity leave right now with #3 and we are loving this time together.  We chose this because it didn't make sense to have one of working to pay for daycare and we love that one of us is home with them.

DH is an awesome dad.  He transitioned from just taking care of DD#1 to having DD and DS wonderfully and while things will be a bit different now that DD #2 is here, I am confident he will be great.  DD once said, "Daddy, you're my best friend!"

He is a way better cook than I am so he does the cooking.  He does a lot of the cleaning but I pitch in too (he washes the clothes, I fold, he loads/runs dishwasher, I unload, etc).

I think his mother was skeptical and I KNOW my mother was, but it works for our family, so we don't pay attention to that.

kertybird

My DH works nights, most of the time my MIL will take them a few days a week, but DH has them one on one at least two days a week and loves it.  He is way more brave then I am in.  He is always taking them cool places like Sea World and Disneyland. I would never attempt that!  I would hope that your family would be supportive.  MY DH has all his friends trying to get a similar gig with their wives so that they can hangout with the kids more often!