Help - I don't know what to do - friend and m/c

Dr.Freud

My best friend has had three miscarriages.  You'd think by now I would know the appropriate things to do for her or to say to her, but every time this happens I draw a blank and all I can do is just cry with her and feel sick to my stomach.  Every time I try to say anything, I feel like it comes out wrong.  I know, I know - better to say less anyways, but I feel like she calls me to talk about it and when I say nothing she must be thinking I don't care.

Her last m/c was last fall.  She just found out a few weeks ago she is pregnant again, but called me this morning in tears saying she was bleeding all night and thinks she is m/cing again.  This was their last and final attempt - her husband said after her fourth m/c they would start trying other options to have another child.  He can't take the pain or seeing her in so much pain anymore.

She is at a doc appt right now and I am waiting for her to call me with the results.  I don't know what to say when she calls.  Someone help me.

I know she is going to be a mess for weeks.  I want to be there for her, but I have no idea what to do aside from listening and offering to take care of her kids.  It feels like it isn't enough though. 

I feel sick.

redstars93

Dr.Freud:

I know she is going to be a mess for weeks.  I want to be there for her, but I have no idea what to do aside from listening and offering to take care of her kids.  It feels like it isn't enough though. 

It is enough. And, honestly, more than what most people would do.

I know it's cliche but an "I'm sorry" and a hug is the best thing.

I hope she's ok.

gatogrrl

She just wants to know that you're there for her and that you understand.  It will probably take a while for her to get the grief out of her system.  As long as you say comforting things every once in a while ("that's rough" or "you're so strong" etc.), she's probably just glad to have someone to listen. 

Your poor friend!  You're probably grieving along with her, so you can let her know that, too, in a way that doesn't place any extra burden on her.

Dr.Freud

janineb:

redstars93:

Dr.Freud:

I know she is going to be a mess for weeks.  I want to be there for her, but I have no idea what to do aside from listening and offering to take care of her kids.  It feels like it isn't enough though. 

It is enough. And, honestly, more than what most people would do.

I know it's cliche but an "I'm sorry" and a hug is the best thing.

I hope she's ok.

I agree. you are a good friend. just be there for her.

do you know if they have pursued repeat loss testing? There could be a reason why they continually miscarrying. getting a referral to an RE could help them be successful next time around. many women who deal with IF don't actually have issues getting pg, they have issues staying pg. 

my thoughts are with them.

She has done a lot of testing.  They diagnosed her with some hormone issues - low progesterone I think.  With m/c #2 and #3 she was on hormones to sustain the pregnancy, and they didn't work.  With #4 she had been seeing a holistic doc and trying other options. 

Ugh.  It's just horrible.  She beats herself up so badly everytime this happens.  My heart aches for her.

J+O

There's nothing you can say to make her feel better.  If you fear things come out wrong, just say that... "I wish there was something I could say to help take away some of this pain, to make you feel comforted... just know that you can always come to me, and I'll just be here for you, day or night, and if you need me to watch your LO's I can do that too."  

busygal

THe main thing is not to say things like "It's God's plan for you" or "God doesn't give us more than we can handle."

It really sucks to have people saying that kind of thing especially when they already have children.

I agree with "I'm so sorry." You can also ask whether her husband is able to talk about things with her. My DH wasn't at all, and it was a real stress to me.

In a couple of days you could bring her some baked goods or something...preferably carb-laden. Misery loves carbs.

eminbmore

I agree with the other ladies.  Also, continue to check in with her.  It seems like a lot of people think a week or two after you should be feeling "all better" and lots of times you're not.  It hurts when people try to sweep it under the rug. 

You are being a good friend.