s/o Has anyone ever asked the question....

EastCoastBride

of SAHM's who judge working moms "If I'm supposedly not raising my own child because I work, what do you call it when your child will go off to school and be taught (raised) by someone else other than you?"

Because really- I'm not seeing how that's entirely different.  If we're "bad moms" for sending our kids to daycare, then why arent' they bad moms for not home schooling their kids?

I'd love to know the response to this! 

MrsT1209

I haven't asked it but I sure think it.  And then I think about their crying child on the first day of school clinging to their legs and crying the entire day while the kids who went to daycare sit quietly and behave and I'm immensely amused.

Roco&Leche

My mom is a pre-school teacher and she has noted that kids that go to daycare (either inhome or center) transition really well into school and early on.  However, "some" kids (wont generalize) that have SAHMs are the worst kids the first few weeks of school.

She has to mentally prepare herself to have at least one kid cry every day of the first week for the 3 hours they are there (good thing she has a co-teacher and a no-parent policy since it makes things worst).  The second week may or may not get easier depending on what the parents do over the weekend to help the child adjust. 

She once had a 5 year old cry so much that the mom wanted to take him out, but in our state/city, a teacher has to report it as truancy unless the child is being home schooled.  So, after the mom was warned of the consequences, it really showed her that she needed to prepare her child for the real world and cut the cord. 

I am not saying that she was a bad mom but she overlooked so many factors when she SAH and wanted to "shield" her child from so many things.

MrsT1209

I completely agree with Roco.  I have a close friend who is a kindergarten teacher and has seen it every year that she has been a teacher.  She dreads the beginning of the year for that reason.

And the parents who say "Well I socialize DC by taking them to playgroups or Gymboree" have no idea that it's completely different than a school-type setting where mom isn't there.

shouldbworkin

never asked b/c I just don't have the chutzpah that someone who would say that to me does.  I often wonder if they think their husbands are raising their kids too, since they work all day. 

duchess0727

Oh it's been asked and there's always some answer that makes sense to them but no one else.  The bottom line for me is I'm not even interested in having a conversation with those people - so I really don't care what their answer is.

wheelenl

I totally see your point but there's a fine line here--would this not be like judging a SAHM for staying home (related to the benefits of daycare and socialization)?

mauceddie

I HATE this argument. It is not at all the same. 

How can you compare a 6 year attending school for 6 hours a day (with numerous school breaks throughout the year) to a baby / toddler  / preschooler attending daycare for 9 hours/day all year round? Not even close.  

Signed,

A working mom whose kids have thrived in daycare.

mauceddie

MrsT1209:

I haven't asked it but I sure think it.  And then I think about their crying child on the first day of school clinging to their legs and crying the entire day while the kids who went to daycare sit quietly and behave and I'm immensely amused.

Sigh. My older child is extremely shy and has benefited tremendously from daycare. Yet she still clings to my legs and cries when we try something new like dance class, swimming, etc. I am sure she'll be the same when she starts school. Thanks for being immensely amused by my crying kid.  

EastCoastBride

wheelenl:

I totally see your point but there's a fine line here--would this not be like judging a SAHM for staying home (related to the benefits of daycare and socialization)?

Well, for me, no.  I don't judge SAHM's and criticize them for not socializing their kids, etc.  I'm talking purely about SAHM's who judge us.  Not all SAHM's do, and not all working moms judge.

I just hate the concept of "you're letting other people raise your kids".  Well, yes, and so will they once their kids go off to school!

Mauc- I do see what you're saying too.  There is a difference as far as a time commitment goes.  However, the concept is the same- their kids will eventually be under someone elses care for a significant period of time every day.  It's not 100% apples to apples - but perhaps it's apples to applesauce.

I just see a certain level of hypocrisy and I just wonder how SAHM's justify it.

I judge people.  I'm not claiming to be perfect.  But when it comes to parenting and the choices we each have to make that works best for us - I really do genuinely try not to lay judgement on others for the choices they make.  It just disheartens me that women need to use motherhood as yet another platform to prove how they are (supposedly) better.

babypuplove

mauceddie:

I HATE this argument. It is not at all the same. 

How can you compare a 6 year attending school for 6 hours a day (with numerous school breaks throughout the year) to a baby / toddler  / preschooler attending daycare for 9 hours/day all year round? Not even close.  

Signed,

A working mom whose kids have thrived in daycare.

Ditto 100% (except I'm not a WM).  It's apples and oranges.  School starts at age 5 or 6.  Parents have the option of sending their child to preschool beforehand if they so desire (we will start sending DD two 1/2 days per week when she's 2.5), which can help prepare them for K.  It is NOT the same thing as sending a 12 week old infant or slightly older baby to daycare full time, 40-50 hours/week.  

And I agree with Wheeleni (sp?) that throwing the "socialization" argument (among many others) out there is just as judgmental.  I do NOT ever say that I am "raising my kids" and my friends aren't because I SAH and they don't.  Plenty of my mom friends work, and we are still friends.  We don't judge each other.  Why can't all moms just say that they are content with the choices they have made?  Why does it always have to involve some sort of back handed insult to the other side?  It's ridiculous, and I'm glad I don't deal with it in real life (outside The Bump).  

To the pp who is amused at the crying kids for missing their mom, you sound extremely jealous, bitter, and foolish.  I can't imagine how many people would flip out over a SAHM saying that they were laughing at a crying 12 week old whose mom left them at daycare when she should be at home with him. Please get a life. 

As for socialization, since this argument doesn't ever seem to go away, we do plenty to socialize DD.  Besides the fact that she will attend preschool next year, I am away from her plenty of hours each week.  Her grandparents and aunt watch her almost weekly, my MOMS club has a babysitting co-op, and she's around other kids all the time.  She also spends a significant portion of the weekend with DH.  Even if we didn't do all of these things, because there are plenty of SAHMs who don't, who cares?  It is up to each family to raise their family how they see fit.  

ETA, my best friend is a WM and her daughter is 9 months old.  She is extremely attached to my friend and will not let her put her down or hand her to anyone else when we're together.  She is attached to her mom, yet her mom works full time.  Lots of babies/kids are attached to their parents whether they work or SAH.  My DD will go to anyone (except most men, lol), and I SAH.  Just something to think about.

MrsT1209

mauceddie:

MrsT1209:

I haven't asked it but I sure think it.  And then I think about their crying child on the first day of school clinging to their legs and crying the entire day while the kids who went to daycare sit quietly and behave and I'm immensely amused.

Sigh. My older child is extremely shy and has benefited tremendously from daycare. Yet she still clings to my legs and cries when we try something new like dance class, swimming, etc. I am sure she'll be the same when she starts school. Thanks for being immensely amused by my crying kid.  

I'm not amused by the crying child.  Don't be dramatic. I'm amused by the parent who hasn't done anything to socialize the child AWAY from themselves on a regular basis while judging me for putting mine in daycare and "letting someone else raise her." 

You said yourself that she has benefited from daycare so her experience in school would be drastically worse if she hadn't had that exposure.

babypuplove

MrsT1209:

mauceddie:

MrsT1209:

I haven't asked it but I sure think it.  And then I think about their crying child on the first day of school clinging to their legs and crying the entire day while the kids who went to daycare sit quietly and behave and I'm immensely amused.

Sigh. My older child is extremely shy and has benefited tremendously from daycare. Yet she still clings to my legs and cries when we try something new like dance class, swimming, etc. I am sure she'll be the same when she starts school. Thanks for being immensely amused by my crying kid.  

I'm not amused by the crying child.  Don't be dramatic. I'm amused by the parent who hasn't done anything to socialize the child AWAY from themselves on a regular basis while judging me for putting mine in daycare and "letting someone else raise her." 

You said yourself that she has benefited from daycare so her experience in school would be drastically worse if she hadn't had that exposure.

So, let me get this straight.  This mother not only insulted you by saying that you were letting someone else raise your daughter, she also told you that her child has never been socialized or away from her side?  Or are you assuming all of this so it fits together nicely and you can laugh at her?  Like I just posted, lots of kids are attached to their parents, and one could even argue that the more time they spend away from their parents, the more attached they are when they are together.   

mauceddie

MrsT1209:

mauceddie:

MrsT1209:

I haven't asked it but I sure think it.  And then I think about their crying child on the first day of school clinging to their legs and crying the entire day while the kids who went to daycare sit quietly and behave and I'm immensely amused.

Sigh. My older child is extremely shy and has benefited tremendously from daycare. Yet she still clings to my legs and cries when we try something new like dance class, swimming, etc. I am sure she'll be the same when she starts school. Thanks for being immensely amused by my crying kid.  

I'm not amused by the crying child.  Don't be dramatic. I'm amused by the parent who hasn't done anything to socialize the child AWAY from themselves on a regular basis while judging me for putting mine in daycare and "letting someone else raise her." 

You said yourself that she has benefited from daycare so her experience in school would be drastically worse if she hadn't had that exposure.

Okay, my mistake. A crying child makes you amused at what you assume is the result of other parenting choices. 

ETA: I think my point may have been lost. I just see a lot of assumptions and judging going on both ways. 

AlisaS

My take is this: my daycare teachers ARE helping me raise my kids. And so is my sister and my 6 year-old nephew and the Wonder Pets.

Big f-ing deal.

The real issue is that kids thrive with happy parents who are nurturing, involved, loving, fun and happy.

And some kids go to daycare. I happen to think that daycare is great for MY kids but I don't see any huge socialization differences in adults who had SAHMs vs. WMS.

mysticporter

I don't agree at all with SAHM's who judge WM's, but I do see a difference between daycare and school.  I personally believe that, as kids get older, they benefit a lot from the more structured learning of a school environment, whereas at a younger age they thrive in a more fluid environment where they are learning primarily through play, interaction with others (both one or more adults and other children), etc.  Daycare provides the second, the same way a SAH parent can, whereas school provides the first.  You can make a different choice as far as what you feel is best for your young child vs. when they are older without being a hypocrite.  As far as socialization goes, I agree with Alissa that in the long run that all pans out, no matter what choice you make when the child is younger.