s/o is it okay to "push your DH" into having another in this scenario?

EMT

I have a friend who has a DD and wants a #2. Her DH is now saying they are one and done. But, they had agreed on 2 before getting married. They are very financially secure so that is not the issue.

I am of the opinion that having another kid is not something you want to badger your DH into but I also think that having an only child is something spouses should agree upon as well.

For some reason I think him now only wanting one is a bigger deal than my DH who now only wants the two we have (vs the 3 we talked about).

Your thoughts?

breezee_bean

I don't think it's ever okay to push this type of thing.  For some, having one child is a huge eye opener.  And, plus after you kind of get into a routine of having one, are able to leave them with babysitters and have more freedom.  It's hard to go back to the other stages.

oparcm

I don't know but I only have one so I don't think there is anything wrong with being an only (not saying you said that just my opinion is one is good).  I do think it is hard to decide how many kids you want when you don't have any.  I mean maybe the dad feels overwhelmed with the one or something. 

FriskyPanda

I don't think it is fair to hold someone to what they say before they had kids regarding number of kids to have.  I don't think you really know until you have one whether you will want more. 

EMT

oparcm:

I don't know but I only have one so I don't think there is anything wrong with being an only (not saying you said that just my opinion is one is good). 

Nothing wrong with it at all!  My BFF was an only child and she is the best person I know. And because she was an only child, I got to go on lots of fun vacays with them .

I do think that a sibling can be the best gift for a child sometimes too though. 

Goose51504

Even in this situation, I'm still of the opinion that having another child needs 100% agreement by both parties. Neither side should be bullied into their decision.

Lots of us made plans when we were dating/got married. However, life is what happens when you're busy making plans and opinions/feelings change, based on experience. Maybe he thought he'd like two and then realized after having one that he was content. I see nothing wrong with that.

I really don't think you should force either party to have more, if they're not ready/don't want it. Kids are hard and there are a lot of other "hard" obstacles in a marriage that cause resentment. I'd hate to think that by pushing MH to have more children than he desired, that he'd eventually grow to resent that child, for whatever reason.

smccabe said it perfectly, "it takes two yeses and one no." This is a situation that HAS to have a yes from both sides. There's no compromise, IMO.

JOEBunny

My DH would not have had two kids in a vacuum.  He admits he had our son because I wanted another child and a sibling for our DD.  That said, he did it willingly, and without any sort of pressure/blackmail.  He does not regret it, though he is not a fan of the "baby stage".  He know is will end soon enough and it will be easier again. 

I have a problem with people who force the issue.  I don't think anyone knows how many kids they want until they have one.  It is impossible to know what it is like until your living it.  When we married, I wanted 1 child and DS wanted 3.  Now I want 3 and he wanted 1, but agreed to have DS because we both believe that our sibling relationships are very fullfilling and we wanted that for our kids, oh and it is fun for him to have a boy and a girl.

ans1999

I don't think it is right to trick someone into having another child. But I do think the anguish of not having another child or being "lied" to about how many you want to have can ruin a relationship. I think these discussions have to be really truthful and open. Hopefully both parties can come to a mutual agreement.

AggieCouple

Having a(nother) child is a two person job and responsibility and (I'll say it) burden.  It is never, IMO, OK to push a life change onto someone, unless they were indisputably suffering for it.

veloelle

Agree w/ Breezee. That was ME for 3 years. DH was ready when DD was 18 months, and I was no where near ready, like pretty pissy about even talking about it. I was in the one and done camp for a LONG time after DD was born, even though we said 2 when we got married. Life happens, you know? DH was amazing and gave me all the time I needed, never ever pressured me; I appreciated it. He was ultimately ok w/ 1 child if I never came around to a second.

Something clicked when DD was around 3, and I suddenly had to have a second.

EDIT: to ans1999 comment, I had a boss who's wife tricked him and had a third. He never, ever forgave her and talked about leaving the marriage the minute the 3rd child turned 18. Openly told people he was done when his youngest was 18. I don't know what their marriage was like before #3 (I thought he was a complete sexist tool), but her deceit devastated whatever was left of their marriage.