"Hostess" doesn't know she is financially responsible for shower...

Jena510

(I have also posted this on the "Baby Showers" board.) My SIL and a good friend both offered to host baby showers for me. My SIL knows that if you are hosting a baby shower, than means that you pay for everything and take care of everything for the mother... My friend, however, doesn't know that, and I just met with her to give her my guest list and she asked me, "So, what's your budget?" I almost had a heart attack. I do not need two baby showers... And I cannot afford to basically fund my own. And besides, I think it's tacky to throw your own, and that is basically what I would be doing. What in the world would you do in this situation? My SIL is fine with taking on the extra guests... Or my mom suggested we just have her send out the invites for me, coordinate the games (which will cost next to nothing), and keep track of who gave what gifts, and then she said we could handle the rest... Meaning I would be taking care of all the food and decorations. The third option would be to just give her money... But I don't know even how to go about this because this isn't how it's supposed to be. Should I just give her $300 cash and tell her to do what she wants with it? I couldn't even sleep last night I was so stressed out... How do I tell her without hurting her feelings? Again, I am not trying to say I need two showers, but how do I even word it to her?

mrsfrank

Would it be an option to "combine" showers. Have your SIL contact her and let her know she is welcomed to help her out?

Stephanie2167

Oh my. She is clueless.

Why give her $300 to throw you a party when you could use that towards things you need for the baby.

Aliliv

You say:   Well, typically with showers of any sort the guest of honor (being the mother or whatever) is not responsible for the cost, the host(s) are.  So, if you feel like you can't do it that's fine, I'm okay without a shower.   Or, if you what cost saving ideas, I could make some suggestions."

I firmly believe that the guest of honor just "shows up" and that's it.  The planning, the costs, the preparing all falls on the one(s) who offer to host the shower.

Wilwarin

You're just going to have to tell her nicely that when someone offers to host a shower, they pay.  There really is no other way around this.  Do not pay for it yourself, that violates a whole new set of etiquette rules.

flippy1234

I agree with the other posters. My MIL has already started talking about a shower.... somehow I think she's going to expect me to help pay for it. sigh

BeckyTheEngineer

This is awkward, but it seems like she just didn't know that she is supposed to foot the bill.  She may be willing to pay, if she knew that's how it usually goes.  If you don't want to have that conversation with her, maybe your SIL could call the friend to just talk about showers (making sure they are different days, guests, places, whatever), and casually mention it.

bloverly

Aliliv:

You say:   Well, typically with showers of any sort the guest of honor (being the mother or whatever) is not responsible for the cost, the host(s) are.  So, if you feel like you can't do it that's fine, I'm okay without a shower.   Or, if you what cost saving ideas, I could make some suggestions."

I firmly believe that the guest of honor just "shows up" and that's it.  The planning, the costs, the preparing all falls on the one(s) who offer to host the shower.

THIS.

landes_katie@yahoo.com

Craziness, Tell her that if you wanted to throw yourself a shower you would just do it at you own house lol.
 

Seriously though I think you should definitely  set her straight on who pays and that if its going to cost YOU money then you don't need another shower...

Sharon&Paul

This is a tough situation. It does not sound like she knows what she was getting herself into and you don't want to be mean to her. I would recommend to her to plan a shower at someone's house that was potluck. This way she still gets to do the planning, but there is not huge cost. I really don't think she intended to put this burden on you. She just did not know and she is excited about your baby. i would try to work out a solution that will work for everyone.

ali_bl-nov05

Stephanie2167:

Oh my. She is clueless.

Why give her $300 to throw you a party when you could use that towards things you need for the baby.

Exactly.

Anyhoo, the subject is how to let her know how it works w/o hurting her feelings. You could just tell her the truth "I have no budget for a baby shower right now, so I'm afraid I wont be hosting the one you offered to organize. Besides, I'd rather put that money towards acual baby needs.  But please come to my other shower that is being hosted and organized by my SIL"

That should give her the message that your SIL is footing the bill and that you have no intention of paying for your own party.

GL!! 

MrsEmm

what?? how awkward. that sucks.

I guess if i were in that position I would just have my SIL take on the extra guests and tell her what PPs suggested. ?

:-/ sorry youre dealing with that.?

emily0829

Wilwarin:

You're just going to have to tell her nicely that when someone offers to host a shower, they pay.  There really is no other way around this.

TO THE OP: I like showers, don't get me wrong... it's nice to receive things from your friends and family that is related to the wedding/baby/home etc, but I absolutely hate the process. I can understand your awkward situation. I feel awkward just having people KNOW that they have to take care of the cost. Even though I'm not ungrateful, I still feel like a spoiled brat.

But, it's either you dish out the $300 for it, or you stand your ground and buy her an etiquette book. I'd like to know if she has ever looked the word "hostess" up in any sort of dictionary or etiquette book, period. Set her straight.

moonrose2715

I would email her and be straightforward.

Dear Friend,

Thank you so much for offering to throw me a shower.  I was a little surprised when you asked me what my budget is.  Traditionally the hostess is responsible for the budget, planning, decorating etc.  The Guest of Honor really should do this because it comes across as gift grabbing.  I also would feel much more comfortable putting the money towards the items I need to purchase for the baby, than throwing myself a party.

If you aren't comfortable hosting the shower now, I completely understand.  My SIL can handle the extra guests at the shower she is throwing, and I would love to have you there.

Please let me know as soon as possible so SIL can plan accordingly.

Thank you again for being so excited about my pregnancy and offering to throw the shower.

Vessel7373

LaurLaurLaur:

Buy her a book on hosting  or forward her some websites (that clearly specify that she is supposed to pay) under the guise of helping her plan. She'll either realize her error and throw the shower for you or if she can't afford it she'll probably back down.

I think you should let her know somehow though or she'll do this to someone else in the future. If I thought guests of honor paid for their own showers then I would offer to host lots too.

 This.  It's a crummy situation, but if you don't let her know as a kind and gentle friend, she's likely to put someone else in the same situation.  I agree with pps that have mentioned combining showers and asking your SIL to reach out to your friend to help her understand if necessary.  Sorry though, that's incredibly awkward.

vegandy

ugh totally akward!  You are just going to have to explain to her how it all works I think.

hst

If it were me I would just tell her you decided to have only one shower.  I wouldn't feel comfortable mentioning the money, but if you are, go for it!

AEOW13

This.  You could simply explain that you have no budget for a party.

My mom is throwing my shower for me and i offered to help decorate bc i just love to decorate things! She told me "hell no" and that if i even attempted to get involved with helping at any time shed crack me right in the face since as she likes to say... "My face aint pregnant". lolz

all i wanted to do was help with sum streamers and she threatened my face.... shes funny...

I thought that that was funny and id share...

Jena510

Thank you so much everyone!! I ended up just telling her, and now my SIL is throwing my one and only shower And didn't lose a friend in the process.