Eclaires and others...f/u to my memorial post earlier

AnneUCSB

This is regarding my post from this morning:

https://community.thenest.com/cs/ks/forums/thread/30888097.aspx 

 

When I posted this morning about the memorial service, I had to post and run because I was gone all day volunteering at my boys' preschool so I couldn't respond.

FWIW- no, I did not bring my boys to my brother's funeral.  I don't think it's appropriate.  What I meant is that they understand death because they saw me and my family grieving first hand and knew my brother very well (saw him all the time) so we, of course, had to explain what happened to Uncle Curt.  

The ex-step-brother of my DH who passed is someone who my boys have NEVER met, NEVER heard of, my DH hasn't seen in over five years, and I have only met once or twice ever.  So, it's not that I am depriving DH and his family of having the "same support" from having my boys around that I had for my family.  My MIL hasn't also seen this young man in years and has never mentioned him to my boys, so there is no explaining to the boys where he went.  They never even knew he existed.  So, why should I have to explain it all to them and expose them to the grief when, if they skip the memorial tonight, would never even have to know the whole thing happened?

Does that make sense?  I am not trying to be defensive, I just wanted to clarify the situation.  Of course, if this was someone who my boys knew or had an emotional tie to, I would include them in some way or at least talk to them about it.  But, they don't so my concern is why expose them to my MIL who will be actively grieving and crying tonight, potentially scaring my boys and have to explain it all to them.  

 

eclaires

I guess I still disagree w/ you b/c I think your husband is entitled to make a call in this situation, and if he feels your boys would be a bright spot for your MIL, it's not something I would fight.

I see what you're saying about the level of the boys knowing someone is gone or not, but at the same time, I think your husband and MIL are entitled to the same support you received by having your kids around if you wanted them to be when you lost your brother, even if they weren't as close to the person who they lost.

I mean, clearly according to you, your MIL is still going to be grieving and would like to see her grandsons maybe?  And your husband thinks you should be there as a family, I guess, and I see that as valid.

It's just not a battle I would fight.  I think it's as simple as saying to your kiddos, "MIL lost a family member, and she's a little sad about it.  Let's give her a hug to make her feel better."  And if your husband feels it's appropriate for them to be there, I would assume there would be other kids there they could play with or another room they could go play in.   I just don't think it's worth the fight, and I would want to support MH in this situation.

AnneUCSB

I appreciate you giving your feedback  

npeacock

eclaires:

I guess I still disagree w/ you b/c I think your husband is entitled to make a call in this situation, and if he feels your boys would be a bright spot for your MIL, it's not something I would fight.

I see what you're saying about the level of the boys knowing someone is gone or not, but at the same time, I think your husband and MIL are entitled to the same support you received by having your kids around if you wanted them to be when you lost your brother, even if they weren't as close to the person who they lost.

I mean, clearly according to you, your MIL is still going to be grieving and would like to see her grandsons maybe?  And your husband thinks you should be there as a family, I guess, and I see that as valid.

It's just not a battle I would fight.  I think it's as simple as saying to your kiddos, "MIL lost a family member, and she's a little sad about it.  Let's give her a hug to make her feel better."  And if your husband feels it's appropriate for them to be there, I would assume there would be other kids there they could play with or another room they could go play in.   I just don't think it's worth the fight, and I would want to support MH in this situation.

I'm with eclaires on this one.

eclaires

No problem - I know these situations are hard.  We've had to make a few calls about whether to bring Jackson to funerals/things like this, and it's never a fun discussion, that's for sure.  And it never helps when other family members have opinions [like MILs] - I've just come to the conclusion it's not a battle I'll fight.

Bellisimo

Anne, I'm in a very similar situation tonight as well.  My SIL's mother died..tonight is the visitation.  DH's working and my IL's won't keep the kids so I can go to the visitation because they "have plans".  I don't feel comfortable taking the kids with me to the visitation even though I could certainly entertain them outside of the crowd of grieving family members...I just wouldn't be able to visit with my SIL and her family if I'm sheltering the kids, kwim?  However, if their presence was requested I would feel more comfortable taking them, I guess.  We're in a different place though because DS has no firsthand experience with death and dying....doesn't understand the concept and hasn't inquired yet.  I'm sorry for your loss and that your in this situation! 

AnneUCSB

Eclaires- interestingly enough, I just got an email from my DH saying that he'd sent his mom an email explaining our reasonings for not wanting to bring the kids and that because we didn't have anyone to watch the boys, I wouldn't be able to attend either.  He apologized to her and said he'd hope she'd understand.  

She sent back an email saying:  "no problem.  you are absolutely right.  for this time it's best that they are not expose to it.  i am glad you and anne are so sensitive about the kids.  they are so pure and they need to stay like this as long as possible."

 

SO, I guess the situation has been resolved.  I still feel badly that I can't be there for DH, but he now feels it's more important to think of the kids' needs over his own.  At least we're on the same page about it, I think that's what's most important.

 

AnneUCSB

Bellisimo- I am so sorry for your family's loss.  I hope that you find a solution for tonight that you're comfortable with.  These kinds of situations are never easy

eclaires

Well that's great news, then! 

I know I hate taking Jackson to things like that when they come up - every time it's happened for us, it ends up being a drive by of me and Jackson and us leaving quickly, since it's been on MH's side of the family.