Need advice. Sensitive topic.

Brewster

So, one of my friends in our play group has a special needs son.  He is almost 5 years old, nonverbal, not able to walk, etc.  We get together with this friend quite often, at least 2 times a week. 

Today we were at their house playing.  She brought her son upstairs where the kids are and Noah told her he didn't want him up there.  (I was down stairs feeding Maren.)  Apparently he started kicking at her son.  This is not the first time this type of behavior has happened.  (He has had some issues with hitting and kicking friends, but mostly it has been resolved.)  I've tried explaining to Noah that not all kids are made the same way.  I've tried telling him that the boy is kinda like Maren in that he doesn't understand when he takes a toy away from Noah that Noah is upset.  I've asked him to tell me/the nearest adult when he needs help and that we don't hit, kick, etc anyone, including this friend. 

I was a Special Ed teacher for years.  I never thought it would be my child who does not show empathy for those with special needs.  I know he is young, but he does see the difference.  He has told me before that the friend doesn't talk/walk/etc.  I feel incredibly embarrassed that he reacts to this boy this way and I want better for Noah.  I would be grateful for any tips in how I handle this with Noah.   Please, no flames.

stillhoping

No flames..

 

is there any way you can have a play date with just your son and him, have some time that he can see that he is a sweet boy and not have so many other children around.  

I am sure the mom is understanding and does not think ill of you, as you said he is very young and is just learning how he should behave around other children with special needs. Hang in there girl

xbrooklyngrl

ugh that is hard. I'm really no joke when it comes to the way we treat others and quite honestly, whether its a special needs kid or not, if my DD didn't know how to behave or hit like that, she would not be going to the playdate or she'd be going home that instant.

I realize he is still young but I think this has been my approach for a very long time.

I'm sorry you are dealing with this, I'm sure its a tough spot to be in.

Zenya

xbrooklyngrl:

special needs kid or not, if my DD didn't know how to behave or hit like that, she would not be going to the playdate or she'd be going home that instant.

I realize he is still young but I think this has been my approach for a very long time.

I'm sorry you are dealing with this, I'm sure its a tough spot to be in.

same here!

meghans30

It sounds like you acted appropriately. Maybe you need to supervise them at all times, or do a group activity or art project that the boy can participate in. How did the mom react? I know you are sensitive to the needs of the child and your son didn't really mean any harm, but I can imagine how the mom felt. My son was very delayed in language and still does not understand social rules and sometimes kids do not like to play with him. Breaks my heart. Not flaming, just sympathizing with the mom.

Brewster

xbrooklyngrl:

ugh that is hard. I'm really no joke when it comes to the way we treat others and quite honestly, whether its a special needs kid or not, if my DD didn't know how to behave or hit like that, she would not be going to the playdate or she'd be going home that instant.

I realize he is still young but I think this has been my approach for a very long time.

I'm sorry you are dealing with this, I'm sure its a tough spot to be in.

That became my general rule once he started showing some aggression a few months ago, regardless of who he hits.  Today I didn't find out until way after the fact.  It's not every time we see this friend, but he has done it several times now.  Each time I have talked to him about it.  I also talk randomly about the little boy and about how we really have to be a good friend to him.  The alone playdate seems like a good idea.  We have gone over to their house, just us, and they have come over here.  He has a 2 year old sister, so Noah mostly plays with her when it is just us.

Kapalua

I would handle it the same way you handle him acting like that towards anyone.  I know you're particularly concerned about the other boy being special needs...but I don't think 3yo's think of it in terms like that.  They are equal opportunity! 

Brewster

meghans30:

It sounds like you acted appropriately. Maybe you need to supervise them at all times, or do a group activity or art project that the boy can participate in. How did the mom react? I know you are sensitive to the needs of the child and your son didn't really mean any harm, but I can imagine how the mom felt. My son was very delayed in language and still does not understand social rules and sometimes kids do not like to play with him. Breaks my heart. Not flaming, just sympathizing with the mom.

The mom was the one who told me about it.  She was ok, but I am sure she felt the same way you did/do inside.  I know I would.  Her son does not really interact with the other kids.  I am not sure of his cognitive level, but he is a lot like Maren (who is 9 months old).  He crawls around from toy to toy and will sometimes parallel play, but not true interaction with the other kids.   

MomToTGH

Sounds like you are saying the right things, but maybe a simple "you need to be nice to everyone, or we're going home, straighten up" would also help.  As much as you try to explain, I doubt he understands "special needs".  That's heartbreaking for the little boy and the mom. 

ETA:  I'm not flaming, I just know from experience with my DS that it sometimes helps to get the message across to remove him from whatever situation he's in if he's not acting nice. 

Yodajo

I can't imagine why anyone would flame you. 

The one on one playdate sounds like a good idea.  Maybe if he got used to playing with him when it wasn't mass chaos that most playgroups are, he would not get so caught up in the excitement of playing and things would go better.  

One thing I do that works well for us is the discuss specific scenarios with my DS right before we go somewhere if I anticipate there may be an issue or if there was an issue in the past.  In your case, I would talk about what Noah should do if the little boy takes away toy from him.  So, it would go like this, "What do you do, Noah , if _____  tries to take a toy from you while you're playing with it?"  Then see what he says.  If its what you want him to do, great.  Praise him.  If not, tell him what to do.  I would say that its ok to be frustrated, but he should still never hit or kick or yell at his friends and that's why you're there, to help him when he's frustrated.  I would tell him that his friend probably will try to take a toy away, but you know that he knows how to respond to that in a nice way and that you're proud of him.  I usually say at some point in there how sad I would be if we had to leave early because he wasn't being nice. 

Anyway, I am going on and on and this is probably more detailed than it needs to be.  My point is, my DS responds really well to this type of conversation.  I am letting him know what to expect  before we get somewhere and  helping him learn how to behave appropriately. 

Good luck.  It will be ok!

JOEBunny

No need to feel embarrassed.  Perfectly normal behavior.  I grew up with two mentally challenged girls.  I was old enough to remember people telling me that their was something wrong with them (I don't remember what they said, just having the convo).  I was probably more like 7.  Empathy has to be learned and not everyone is as receptive to it.  That's why some people are cut out to be social workers and others investment bankers.  All you can do is appropriately deal with the situation and appologize to the the other parent.  I have gone as far as to have DD draw a picture and put it in the mail to apologize when she has done very bad behavior. (She is a terrible shoplifter.)

Brewster

PMQ- He was treating everyone this way for awhile anytime he got upset/things didn't go his way, so I really cracked down on him and we started leaving play dates the minute he was aggressive.  I still remind him when we get somewhere that even if he hits 1 time we are leaving.  We haven't had any issues in weeks.  Today I wasn't told about it until before we were about to leave anyway.  I talked to Noah about it, but it was almost as if he didn't really remember.  And I do think today was specific to this little boy.    Why else would he have told the mom he didn't want the boy up stairs with the rest of the kids?  

I emailed my friend and apologized again.  I let her know that I am working on it with Noah and if she had any ideas/suggestions I would be glad to try them. 

Purrrfect433

I'm not an expert by any means, but Ben has some pretty glaringly obvious speech delays(he's very verbal but not always understandable due to impediments and his ability to form coherent sentences). He also has some sensory-integration issues and social-cognitive issues. The reason I mention this is because I've spent a lot of time watching him interact with other kids and noticed that when he plays with his peers, they seem to get very frustrated with him. There is a certain expectation that he just doesn't meet and other kids don't know how to process it. It's not that they're bad/mean/insensitive kids; they just expect him to be able to speak more clearly, play the same way etc and he's not there yet.

I really think that it's probably the same with Noah and his friend. Noah just doesn't understand why this older boy doesn't play the same way as him and he's frustrated by it. It's probably frustrating and embarrassing for you, but I think understanding where he's coming from will help you know how to handle it. Also understanding the needs of his friend probably goes a long way in helping, too, and that's where your past work experience comes it. 

As Noah gets older, empathy will come more naturally to him. He's just not at that point yet and all you can do is help him understand the why's and what's of a situation and help guide his interactions appropriately.