Single Parents

Introduction (Am I breaking any rules?)

Hi everyone! I'm kind of.....borderline single parent. I'm 16 weeks pregnant, and the BD and I got engaged about two weeks before conceived. I wasn't on BC, he knew this (it's not like I was just popping the pills out the pack and throwing them away, I didn't trap him at all), and yet we continued to have sex. He said he was ready for a baby, or at the very least okay with having one, which was why I wasn't concerned about the absence of BC.

 Since I've gotten pregnant we do nothing but fight. His mother and I barely got along before they found out I'm pregnant, and now the only reason she's even talking to the BD is because he basically threw me under the bus regarding the email I sent her that pi**ed her off in the first place (incidentally, everyone else that has read the email, including members of her family, don't see what the big deal is). I don't know if the reason she calls the baby "bombshell" (as in, she told BD he dropped a bombshell on her when he told her I'm pregnant) is why BD is so standoffish and distant, or if it's something that is intrinsic and I just never noticed it before.

We fight because he's not at all involved in the future of the baby, he doesn't want to be bothered picking out names or working on the registry (but will veto any names I suggest without supplying any suggestions of his own) and it's hard not to feel like I'm alone in this in everything except having to run decisions by him. I'm one of those people that likes things to be fair, and it doesn't seem fair that he gets to have power over decisions but he doesn't contribute to anything else. 

I'm scared about being a single mom--I'm just learning how to drive, and until I can get an identity theft issue cleared up I'm unemployable. Unfortunately, and as horrible as it is, I *need* him right now, and I don't want that to be the only reason he's here. If he actually got involved in the baby's life we might be able to work something out (though we'd still disagree on the whole "what part of the country to live in," he wants New England and I don't want to leave the South), but until his mom cools her jets and until he can actually ACT like he wants to be part of the baby's life and doesn't just SAY he wants that, I am on the way to being a single mom. 

 I guess I'm looking for a reality check and emotional support and wondering if single parenthood is as scary as people would have a person believe, and if maybe I'm just overreacting and need to appreciate him more? How do you know when to just make the clean break?  

Re: Introduction (Am I breaking any rules?)

  • I'm pretty much a single parent by choice. I'm 17 and 14 weeks pregnant. I was engaged to the BD and got pregnant by accident. I guess he kinda trapped me in a way. I trusted him to pull out and he didn't. I don't believe in plan B, so here I am. Pregnant. Right after I broke the news to him, he got extremely controlling, clingy, needy... and like you we started fighting all the time. I knew it wasn't healthy for me to stay in that relationship with all of the added stress among other things, so I got out. (btw did I mention he came out of the closet a week after I told him I was pg??) It's not healthy for you or the baby to stay in a relationship with all of the added stress going on right now, there is a higher chance of a miscarriage. Also, I would like to add that it is great that you are pregnant right now. You'll never know what it is like to raise a baby with your spouse, so you'll never have to be afraid to venture out on your own. At least that's how I am looking at it. There is nothing scary about single parenthood. Plenty of men and women do it all of the time. It's not scary, just different. Don't be afraid. Do what you feel is best and know that we are all here with you. Good luck!

    ps. You are not breaking any rules. There are a bunch of single pregnant women on here. And a lot of women with children on this board went through a pregnancy by themselves.

  • With reading your post I think you already know what must be done.  I don't agree with pp in saying that single parenthood isn't scary.  It can definately be scary. However, it is doable and very rewarding if your relationship with the BF is not a healthy one.  If you dont like the fact that he is uninvolved now do you think it will get better when you have the baby?  IMO if you want to possibly see this relationship work you need to both get into counseling.  And if he wont go then you get into counseling by yourself. I know its scary when you don't have an income.  When my stbx and I split I was left with pretty much nothing but the clothes on my back. You will survive no matter what the outcome.  I promise.

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  • I was 18 when I got pregnant with fianc?, her father, bailed. I had her on Nov of 1998 by myself and he never even met her until she was 3...I have since put myself through college while being a single mom and going to class full time and working full time 3 hours from family. I initially lived with my parents until DD was 17 months or so and I will agree, being a single parent is very scary but my DD is 11 now and we've survived. I bought a home for us, I'm working on my masters, and I've done it all without child support or social security (my BD died 6 years ago in a car accident). I am no longer a single parent, I got married two weeks ago Saturday and my DH loves her like his own and we are moving towards adoption because that is what she wants. The hardest times for me was when she realized something was missing, after she started school and I heard her tell kids she didn't have a daddy, broke my heart. It also drove me nuts that he was out there doing whatever he wanted while I worked every second of my life to provide for my child...but looking back now with the advantage of hindsight I realize I didn't miss out on a thing, he daughter and I have a bond I believe one can only achieve by growing and learning together and now I look back at the struggles and I smile, it made me who I am today and I wouldn't change it for the world...
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  • Maybe I worded that wrong. What I meant to say was don't be afraid of the unknown.

  • I was terrified when I first left my ex-husband.  My daughter was four weeks old and I was about to PCS to Texas where I had no family, no friends, and no support.  But after realizing that I could do this on my own and still do everything I had always wanted to (just not as quickly as I had wanted), it didn't seem so scary anymore.  My daughter is 6, and I have never received child support from my XH or state/federal aid.  Although her father has never been around, she is happy and healthy.  

    Never let yourself feel like you can't do anything just because you are doing this on your own.  It isn't always easy, but you can do it.  I was still able to get my bachelor's degree (although it took me longer than four years since I had to work full time while going to school) and I'm applying to medical school this year.  We can't tell you what the right decision is for you, but whatever you decide to do, don't ever give up on your dreams.

  • I am not a single parent, but...

    If you go to the first tri and sometimes second tri board, there is an overwhelming amount of women whos husbands, bf's, whatever aren't supportive.  My DH was distant until I had a noticable belly.  Men simply don't understand what is going on.  

    Before you completely throw the relationship away, I would give him some time to come around.

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  • I agree with robinsokj.  Before I left, I tried everything I could to make the relationship work.  We went to marriage counseling for several months.  If he's willing, counseling is a good idea IMO.
  • Hi everyone! Thank y'all for responding. I wasn't just disappearing; I've been sick and getting to a computer was hard. 


    We go to our second counseling appointment tonight, and BD keeps saying that he plans to start individual counseling. But I decided this week that I can't expect him to change and make all my plans based on him, and that while I would like to have him involved in the baby's life and a part of my life, I'm also not going to force the relationship to work--at the last counseling session we realized we'd been fighting since before I got pregnant, and so we have a lot of things that we need to work on but we also need to evaluate if the relationship works and realize that if it doesn't, we don't need to be miserable--the baby will pick up on it, if not now then later. 


    Also, what do things like stbx mean? I've seen a lot of abbreviations and references that I don't recognize, and I didn't know if they were specific to this board. I've tried to look up what they mean but to no avail.

  • stbx means soon to be ex

    Good luck with your counseling and I hope that everything works out well for you no matter what path you decide to take.

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  • one more question (well, two):


    what is STTN? and what does it mean when someone quotes another post and says "this"? 

  • imagemommymanda2010:

    one more question (well, two):


    what is STTN? and what does it mean when someone quotes another post and says "this"? 

    STTN is Sleeps through the night. And when someone quotes something and says this, it means they completly agree with whoever they are quoting.

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