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fauxshelley
member
Is this wrong?
fauxshelley
member
I am sick and tired of trying to faciltate a realtionship between DB and his family and my children. I decided after the Christmas blowout, that I would not invite them over to see the kids, send them emails w/ pictures, or let them know what is going on in the kids lives. (Until then I had been doing this regularly) They live 10 minutes away from me. They all know my email, phone number, and address. Pumpkin is going to be in a beauty pagent at school on Feb 6, and normally I would invite them all to be there, but I don't feel so inclined to contact them with the details. I feel like if they want to know what's going on, let them make an effort, if they don't it's their fault and their loss.
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Re: Is this wrong?
Would your daughter want them there? I think that determines what effort you make.
But I am still scratching my head, a beauty pageant at school? I have never heard of anything like that.
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If he wanted to play an active role in P's life then he should make an effort in my opinion.
I agree. Now that I went back and re-read the OP I agree 100%.
I would say send them a short email about the pageant. Invite them. As far as every day things, I personally wouldn't go out of my way. My stbx family is not involved. They didn't get the girls christmas presents nor DD#2 birthday presents or even a card.
In response to Meghan, from my personal experience, when I was pg with DD#2 stbx wasnt involved. He didnt care when I was hospitalized, nor when we had to go in for a fetal echo because DD#2 had an atrial septal defect. Stbx didn't start to actually care about DD#2 until she was born. In some cases, guys cannot relate to the child when you are still PG. They also can be fantastic at only seeing you in the pregnancy and thus it can lead to a wall going up especially if there is any hostility in the relationship. This may or may not change when the baby is born but having an outside child vs. an inside child in regards to involvement are separate things IMO.
I know, me either. This is the first time the school has had a beauty pagent and it's to raise money for Relay For Life. BTW, she is in 3rd grade. I am concerned that she will like it and want to continue being in pagents.
Its just not my thing though.
I totally didn't mean to sound judgmental, I have just never heard of a school hosting a pageant. I don't think that would fly in Massachusetts, but I could certainly be wrong.
A schoolmate of mine in college was Miss. NH. She was smart and extremely stable/not narcissistic. I do worry about culture of pageantry and girl's sense of worth, but saw none of what I fear actualized in her. I am not judging your daughter or other kids who try it.
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I don't think it's wrong. Only you know what is best for your kids. Now if your daughter was asking, can you call and tell grandma about my pageant, and you still didn't, that would be wrong IMO.
MIL helps me out with babysitting once in a while if I can pick up an extra shift at work or something. And everytime I pick him up, she thanks me profusely for 'letting' her see him, blah blah blah. But then she NEVER calls me until the next time I have to ask her to keep him. It makes me feel like I should just quit asking her. But 1. I can use all the free babysitting I can get and 2. I don't want to cut her off because DS is too little to be like, hey I wanna go see grandma.
But it still annoys me because she is 5 minutes away, as is my mom. And it is rare that my mom goes more than a day or two without seeing DS. She helps me tremendously and she constantly wants to be around DS. I just can't understand how her connection can be so strong, and MIL seems to not even care sometimes.
My IL's are the same way. I have told them both that they can see and take DD whenever they want. MIL is a nurse and works shiftwork, so I never know when she is going to be off ahead of time. I am lucky in a way that I don't have really pushy IL's, but I just wish they would make an attempt. MIL told me today that she is not comfortable taking DD because she doesn't really know them...well, you know where we live.
My MIL says stuff like that all the time too. My ILs have a lot more money than my parents do. They have a big house with a pool and buy anything they want. I was always worried that DS would like them better because they had more fun stuff at their house. But he barely sees them so hopefully that won't happen.
If your daughter was asking for them to come I think that would be one thing. However, I don't think its your job to fill your ex in. If he were an involved dad, pumpkin would have had many opportunities to have told him all about it, or he could have a school calendar etc... I have always tried to involve my ex and am just sick and tired of all of the excuses or him ignoring my attempts. Or if you ex were contacting you asking how the kids are and what is going on with them etc... it may be different. But under the circumstances, I don't think you have to do anything!
For what it's worth, my daughter sees a child psychologist for some totally unrelated issues that she has. And last week at a session (without dd) I was asking her what to do in regards to dd and her dad as I am just so done with him and how his behavior affects dd. Anyways, she said to take dds lead. If she doesn't mention him for 8 days (and he doesn't contact her either) - so be it. I do not have to bring him up to her, make excuses, have her call him etc... She said to think of it as its not like I am not letting dd have contact with him or refusing- she just isn't asking or wanting it, nor is he. I always felt obligated to help facilitate their relationship. My dd is almost 4, so its a bit different for those of you with babies, but still interesting. And this child psychologist is excellent- she is very well known, well published, on various talk shows etc...