Has anyone adopted a "older child" with severe ADHD?

CaptainSerious

We're considering adopting an almost 6 year old girl with severe ADHD.  One of the things we're trying to figure out is how long it might take us to adjust into a strong routine with behavior modification techniques as a new family.

What worked?  What didn't?  Did you find that medication was necessary?

On top of it all, we've always planned on having more than one child.  We'd never think of adding any more to the mix while trying to figure out what works best with this little girl, in addition to adjusting to all the other complications of the adoption, so we're now thinking about how long it might take before we feel solid enough to continue adding to our family.  I never thought I'd have to deal with these kinds of calculations, but I'm 35, my husband's 42, so it's something we think about.

come*on*baby

I have never been one to want to medicate children, but if our 9 year old does not have her Rx, she's in a whole other world. They STRIVE on routine. Our FD has a very structured life at  the moment. She gets up at 6:30, has a list of things she has to do in the morning on her mirror so she doesn't forget anything, as soon as she gets home she must do her homework. Her chores around the house are simple independent living skills (setting the table, her laundry, keeping her room clean, etc.)

I wouldn't say she has severe ADHD, but I can definitely tell the difference on the days she takes her pill and days she doesn't get them. Our dr calls it a "holiday pill" - where they only take it for school days. With 4 other children in the house, its not a holiday pill in this house! She also goes to therapy as well and it helps deal with her energy level, self-esteem, etc. 

 

DavezWife

my 1st thought, is have you spent much time with a kid/kids having similar issues? if not... can you?

forgive me, I know you have quite the story, so I might be asking the obvious. And would this be a foster-adopt or a straight "yep, we'll take her" scenario?

If you intend on adopting younger after this, I would worry about the amount of attention one gets over another. And I would also decide what your stance is on western medicine (i.e. "meds") and diet, and the DBT therapies, etc. and all the ways you can help this young girl.

As a psych nurse, I have been able to spend some time on children's inpatient units. So I've seen the nasty side of things like this. They make it so much of a challenge to love them sometimes ;-) yet I do.

 

GL!

CaptainSerious

I am an adaptive skiing instructor, and work with many ADD and ADHD clients.  I have also worked in a family preventive services situation where many of the children had ADD/ADHD, and have friends whose children have ADHD.

But, I know that working with children when you know you can "give them back" at the end of the day is very different from parenting children with the disorder, and my husband has very little hands-on experience with children at all.  This is where our hesitation comes in.  We are trying to decide if it's a situation which we feel we would be capable of handling effectively while still building the family we've always dreamed about.

If we adopt this girl, it would be a straight adoption, not a foster situation.  We have to make the decision without meeting her, strictly based on her file.

DavezWife

CaptainSerious:

 We have to make the decision without meeting her, strictly based on her file.

 

My admiration of you just went from Wow to OMG. ;-)  best of luck, you'll know in your heart what feels right.

CaptainSerious

Come*on*baby, how long did it take you to figure out all the kinks, and get to a point where you didn't feel like you were all struggling all the time?

I think we have a similar philosophy, we'd like to try to manage the situation through behavior management, therapy, and strong structure in the home.  If it seems that she needs more than that, we'll consider medication.  We're wondering how much of the "severity" of her symptoms is resultant of the fact that she's been living in an orphanage since she was 3 months, and if when she gets into a family that will provide boundaries, routine, and structure, things might improve substantially.

CaptainSerious

DavezWife:

CaptainSerious:

 We have to make the decision without meeting her, strictly based on her file.

 

My admiration of you just went from Wow to OMG. ;-)  best of luck, you'll know in your heart what feels right.

I hope that's not OMG, these people have no idea what they are getting themselves into and it's sure to be a train wreck.

Any advice?  I'm open to your opinions.

DavezWife

oh goodness, no. I don't want to say what you should or shouldn't do -that's your thing. I would LOVE to think that we could provide a home for such a child, but I'm afraid my husband just wouldn't be happy.

I take it this child is from another country? the one you're originally hoping to work with? regardless.... I wish you nothing but the best in your decision!

I'm soooooooo wishing we could be moving forward and be thinking of these things right now... I get these updates from Rainbow kids and just about cry daily.

(we're waiting to see what comes of our IF treatments 1st)

GBCK

I've obviously not adopted one...but I was one.  If I can help, flag me down in some way.

I will say that some CHADD groups are great...others are for crap.  But the Ratey/Hallowell books are, IMO, by FAR the best.

I'd also say 'flexible routine'  is key.  I know, day in, day out, that I thrive and succeed much better w/ structure and routine.  I also know that, day in , day out, I chafe and buck and fight, kicking and screaming against my routines.  Hell, they're self-imposed anymore and I still fight them.  So finding a way to flex the routine can be helpful.  (I'm not putting that into words well tonight, I'm sorry.  I'll try to make it into sentences after I go get 2nd dinner)

CaptainSerious

Thanks, GBCK.  I think I know what you mean by "flexible routine."  That's a good piece of information to have.

I will check out those books, and let you know if I have any specific questions.

maddieg78

One of my FB's (foster brothers) has ADHD.  I talked to my dad about what they are doing work with him and deal with the ADHD.  He is still on his meds (its been 4 yrs) but they have learned that if they give him time limits (like actually set the timer on the oven or microwave) he can complete the task successfully within the alloted time period (20 minutes to clean the kitchen).  The only thing that they have issues with is homework... he wants to be independent (he's a freshman in high school) but can't mange his time effectively.  So he has to do his homework in his bedroom and is only allowed down for dinner (if the homework isn't done before then)... so basically his TV, video game, computer time is all determined on when he successfully completes his homework.  In the beginning he wasn't getting any of the fun stuff and couldn't even complete the homework before bedtime.  But he is coming along and usually done with an hour to spare.  Which I am sure will increase as he gets better at dealing with his distractions.

Good Luck!!

Rillet

Hi!  I'm chiming in late here....we adopted 2 sisters (ages 9 and 11) through DYFS (I'm in NJ too.)  They both have severe ADHD, and the oldest has behavorial/mental health issues as well.  We just passed our 3 year mark (adopted in 2008, but we fostered first for 18 months.) 

We were new parents, older as well (I am 42, husband is 46).  It certainly has been an eye opening experience, to say the least : )  Our lives were turned upside down and inside out, and we still struggle with the day-to-day.  We are very structered and routine oriented (an absolute necessity for the girls), and after the first 13 months, went the route of medication.  It has helped tremendously, especially in raising their self confidence, as they can now successfully socialize with their peers.

Of course I don't know all of the details of your situation, but if you have any questions, please feel free to email me at Rillet@aol.com.