Step-Grandma wants to be called Grandma...

rosiep05

MH's mother passed away shortly before our son was born (3 weeks). Recently, his step-mom, who is just sort of ...there...not close to him or anything...asked that our son refer to her as "Grandma" because 1) she's been with his dad for 20+ years, and 2) it would be "weird" for our son to call her by her first name.

It will break MH's heart if our son calls anyone else other than my mom (and his mom) "Grandma"...but doesn't want to insult his stepmom. How would you approach this? 

I suggested just teaching our son to call her "Hey You"...ok kidding...

MrsBeckaT615

It's just a formality. I would just call her grandma. Maybe call your mom something more personal.

iowagirl73

Has your husband said he would disapprove of his stepmother being called Grandma? Because you stated that he would be heartbroken...not that he actually said it himself.

And honestly, being with his dad for 20+ years kind of warrants Grandma calling in my book.  It isn't like this woman is new in your husband's life.

Another option would be maybe a different version of Grandma.  Oma is one.  My nephew calls my MIL "mee-maw".

rosiep05

My mom has her own grandma-name (in our native language)...but it's the fact that our son would be calling her Grandma. I think it's just very hard that his mom will never get to hear our son call her Grandma.

Jessicalynn09

In our family, step grandparents are still considered grandparents and get the title. 

Kristinmo

Hmmmm, that's a tough one.  My DS has a step-grandma who he will call Grandma.  I think that is normal and what most people would do.

 However, I can understand where your DH is coming from.  If he has decided against that, I believe it is up to him to work out with his dad and step-mom and come up with a solution.

MissAmber23

We plan for our son to call my husband's step-mom grandma. My husband isn't really close to her, but we see them pretty frequently. I am sure she would be very hurt, and so would his dad, if we didn't refer to her as grandma. She is just as much a part of my son's life as his biological grandmother is. 

I think it's different because of the recent death of your husband's mother, though. Maybe you could have a different name for her - Nana or Grammy or something? We called my mom's step mom "Grandma Gail" and her mom just "Grandma" when we were kids. Maybe that would help? Our neighbor's grandkids call her "Ya Ya", and my aunt calls her grandma "Mee Maw" - so there are lots of different names you could choose and maybe ask her what she would like best? You could say that it's so that your child can differentiate between your mom and her by calling them different names.

rosiep05

iowagirl73:

Has your husband said he would disapprove of his stepmother being called Grandma? Because you stated that he would be heartbroken...not that he actually said it himself.

And honestly, being with his dad for 20+ years kind of warrants Grandma calling in my book.  It isn't like this woman is new in your husband's life.

Another option would be maybe a different version of Grandma.  Oma is one.  My nephew calls my MIL "mee-maw".

 

well, she emailed him regarding it, because I think she knew it was a touchy subject, esp because his mom recently passed away. He hasn't responded to her yet, because he doesn't want anyone else to be his "grandma" (except biological). Yet he doesn't want to hurt her feelings...but he is also not close to her at all. They really don't know eachother very well...estranged father/son relationship, blah blah blah. 

I like the idea of another version of Grandma...and maybe just wait until our son can talk and let him form his own "nickname" of his own.

Temp534591562502098

I have step parents and an ex-step parent even! I think your step-mom-in-law's request is fine and appropriate, but I think that you need to mention (or he needs to mention) that he is just sensitive right now with the "grandma" title with his mom's recent passing. Not anything against her, just that the mom is not there to be called grandma too. So maybe when you visit don't have everyone be dropping the g-bomb every 5 seconds, you know?

I also think that your DH needs time, but also needs to come around that, despite his feelings, she really is his "grandma" and its appropriate to call her that. 

Would she be into being called "nana" or something? Would he feel better about her being called "gran" or "granny"?

 

Deepoet

My Mom passed 13 years ago and my Dad has been remarried for 6 years to a woman I have known my entire life and was really great friends with my Mom. (I really truly get along well with this woman... thankfully) My Dh's parents are divorced and his father is remarried so my DS has 1 Grandma Eileen, one Grandma Barbara, one Grandma Andrea and then there will be Mommy's Mommy who is not with us but who is in tons of pictures around the house. I know its confusing but its how we do things.

Is this woman good to you and your H? if she is than give her the title or come up with a Grandparent like name for her.

Some people are Grandparents by default and some earn the title. IMO! :-)

jhelly77

How about "Grandma X" and insert her first name for X?

T&BMay142005

I never even considered having DD call my step-mom by her first name. I may call my step-mom by her first name, but to DD she is Grandma.

BeaverBeliever12

rosiep05:

My mom has her own grandma-name (in our native language)...but it's the fact that our son would be calling her Grandma. I think it's just very hard that his mom will never get to hear our son call her Grandma.

She would want to be called grandma whether or not MIL had passed away.  It's not like MIL died and FIL jumped right into marriage with the new lady.  She has been in the family for 20+ years and is married to Grandpa. 

I'm sorry MIL died.  That has got to be tough, but you can't direct your grief about MIL toward FIL's wife.  That is absolutely not fair to her. 

ETA: It's also not fair to DS.  Grandparents are a wonderful thing in a child's life and the more they have the better.  As a kid, my Grandma had a friend who didn't have any grandkids of her own and her husband had Alzheimers and no longer knew who she was.  She came to all of our family functions and we all called her Grandma Betty.  I feel very lucky to have had a extra Grandma. 

rosiep05

I like the idea of calling her "Grandma X"...there will always be "Gram" ... MH's mom..."Lola"...my mom...and then all others are "Grandma X"

 Ugh, it's just a sticky situation all in all, because just recently since MH's mom died and since our son was born, has my FIL and s-MIL re-entered our lives. he was very much so out of the picture prior. 

babyhina1

iowagirl73:

Another option would be maybe a different version of Grandma.  Oma is one.  My nephew calls my MIL "mee-maw".

 

This. How about Meme. Thats what my cousing kids call there "step grandma"

suscq

In our family we don't use the same name for more than one person.  DH's dad was already Papa from his other grandchild so my dad is Poppy. 

(It was my choice not to reuse names because I had a huge fear of telling DD we were going to Papa's house and her thinking we were going to the other Papa's house and being upset when we got there.  That just seems like it would be heartbreaking for your grandchild to get there and then pitch a fit because she thought she was getting to see the other granddad today)

Just tell her that your mother is being referred to as Grandma and to avoid confusion, maybe she could choose another form of it.  (I know several people who thought Grandma made them sound old and prefer to be called GiGi instead)

Shananah

Rosie, we have a similar situation (although almost completely reversed, right down to the relationships) DH's Dad passed away a few years ago, and his Mom got married in May '08.   DD will call DH's stepdad Grandpa, something that we know is sad for DH's paternal grandfather/uncles who are around to hear, since her "real" Grandpa has passed on, but as hard as it is that DD will never know DH's father, it didn't feel right not to acknowledge the relationship that DD will have with SD.

That said, my paternal grandfather was alive and well, and I still called my Dad's step-Dad "Grandpa."   (I called them both that.)

I feel for your hubby completely, but his relationship with his SM, and your LO's relationship with her are two separate things.   Don't make her feel alienated - it's not taking anything away from how much your DH loved his late Mom, or how much she'll be missed.

WendyBird&Chris

DD will call DHs Step-Mom "Grandma Laurie"

How about that?

RedQueen82

My mom passed away 7 years ago and my dad recently remarried, but had been dating her for 4 years. We call her Nana and my mom Nana Lois. It is really DH's call on what to call step-mom. Hopefully she can respect his decision about it no matter what he decides. 

AppleMomma

I would let him call her grandma, and refer to his real grandma & your mom as something more special, like PP said.

jessicaclare

This is a slightly different situation, but my mom passed away 8 years ago. My dad's (completely evil) ex-girlfriend wanted my kids to call her Grandma. I absolutely refused. She had little to nothing to do with my kids (because she has nothing to do with me, and my Dad would rarely take the girls if she was along because of it) and they weren't married. It will be confusing enough  for my girls when it comes time to explain why my mom isn't around, I refuse to complicate it with another "Grandma" that could be gone any day because she has no commitment to my father.

 That said, I think if my Dad remarried, I would allow my kids to call his new wife Grandma. I definitely feel for your DH. It will never be easy to hear. But think of it in terms of what it will mean to your LO and not how hard it will be for him. I also have to say, I think it was incredibly gracious of his step mom to even ask. She must care about him and his feelings, or she would have just done what she wanted and not cared what he thought. 

stever

Eff that! My dad refers to Step Mom as Grandma all the time and it pisses me way off! 

Your H's mom is Grandma, even if she's passed. Tell SM to have some freakin' respect!!!

Aliliv

What else would he call her?    My children have lots of "Grandma's."   I do feel that this would be a hard one for your husband, considering the circumstances.   But, I also think it would disresptful for your child to refer to by her first name.

Natesmomma

Hi... I'm just a lurker but since I disagree with everyone I thought I would share my opinion. I don't think that just because she's there X amount of years that she deserves the title. She hasnt been much of a "mother figure" for your DH..... if she  had been she wouldn't have had to ask for the title. If I were in your situation I would just wait until your son is old enough to do what's natural for him. I wouldn't force it or try and get him not to call her that.

 

rosiep05

Natesmomma:

Hi... I'm just a lurker but since I disagree with everyone I thought I would share my opinion. I don't think that just because she's there X amount of years that she deserves the title. She hasnt been much of a "mother figure" for your DH..... if she  had been she wouldn't have had to ask for the title. If I were in your situation I would just wait until your son is old enough to do what's natural for him. I wouldn't force it or try and get him not to call her that.

 

 

This was my initial gut reaction...why TELL my son what to call her...let him figure it out on his own. Like you said, she wasn't a mother figure in MH's life at all. She was just "there"...really no other way to describe it. Yes she was polite and respectful to ask, but I just hope she isn't the type that would be offended if we didn't want our son calling him Grandma, for whatever personal reasons. 

MH just told me he wrote her back and didnt' really address it. He just said that he's glad she and my FIL will be a part of our son's life. Kind of left it open ended. 

jessicaclare

rosiep05:

Natesmomma:

Hi... I'm just a lurker but since I disagree with everyone I thought I would share my opinion. I don't think that just because she's there X amount of years that she deserves the title. She hasnt been much of a "mother figure" for your DH..... if she  had been she wouldn't have had to ask for the title. If I were in your situation I would just wait until your son is old enough to do what's natural for him. I wouldn't force it or try and get him not to call her that.

 

 

This was my initial gut reaction...why TELL my son what to call her...let him figure it out on his own. Like you said, she wasn't a mother figure in MH's life at all. She was just "there"...really no other way to describe it. Yes she was polite and respectful to ask, but I just hope she isn't the type that would be offended if we didn't want our son calling him Grandma, for whatever personal reasons. 

MH just told me he wrote her back and didnt' really address it. He just said that he's glad she and my FIL will be a part of our son's life. Kind of left it open ended. 

Here's the thing, kids will call people what they hear most often. They don't "decide" what to call their Grandparents, at least not until they are much, much older and understand the situation. If you don't come to an agreement on what he'll call her, she'll probably call herself Grandma, you'll call her by her first name and there will be some confusion. Not to mention the fact that there could always be resentment from your DH if he's not ok with her being called Grandma, or resentment from her over you not calling her Grandma

Regardless of what you decide, you do need to make a decision. I think it was respectful of her to ask and your DH needs to address it one way or the other. If her feelings are hurt, oh well. If she really wants to be a part of your son's life, she'll get over it.