Why do people stay in ABUSIVE relationships?

rara855

My baby sister (21) is in an awful, horrible relationship. He is verbally abusive, brakes things to scare her. (Her bed, vases, picture, mirrors) Say's horrible things to make her feel like crap. I just don't get it. I was in a physically abusive relationship. He hit me twice I left. Emotional abuse must be so much worse because you don't have the scars to look at and know you need to leave. I am just ready to scream this makes me so sad, angry, UGH!

Don't stay ladies. For the love of God leave! She is my sister for God sakes. I swear I wish he would just get tired of her and move on for good. 

/vent over. Sorry I needed to get that off my chest. Yes, I have said all of this to her but, it goes in one ear out the other. 

sunnygyrl

I was in a relationship VERY similar to your sister's. The reason I stayed was b/c I was under the impression that I would never find anyone better. It came to an end 6 months after a very close friend of mine found bruises on my arm from my ex grabbing me and shaking me.

It sucks and I feel so bad for her.

iris427

There are a lot of complex reasons why women stay in abusive relationships.  It's all well and nice for you to tell her those things, but she has to decide on her own that it's time to get out.

And of course, I understand why you feel the way you do. 

Miss.Modular

i'm sorry, i know how frustrating it can be.  The best thing you can do is say you are there for her to talk to, and convince her to get help (therapy of some sort)... though this can be a hard sell.  Is your family involved trying to help her as well?  I think there are strength in numbers with these kinds of things.   have you looked up stockholm syndrome? It's very very real in these kinds of emotionally abusive relationships.  i'm sorry.

 

mrsain1105

I'm really sorry for what your sister is going through, and what you are feeling watching her go through it.  But I agree with pp - there are many reasons that women stay.  I interned at DV shelter when I was in grad school.  The most dangerous time for a woman in an abusive relationship is when she tries to leave.  Women trying to leave get murdered all the time.  Horrifying, but true - and only one reason that many are too scared to try.  Don't give up on your sister.  She needs your love and support and to know that whenever she is ready to leave that you will be there for her. 

goodtobethelarkster

I'm really sorry both you and she are going through this.  Abusive relationships suck for everyone involved.

Ithink it would be a good idea to call a DV resource center.  What she might need right now is tools to get out when and if she chooses to.  You can provide the physical and emotional tools to support her when she wants to leave and you can let her know that you'll be there no matter what but until then it's up to her.

rara855

Thanks guys. I actually did get in contact with the DV in her county. She is in a big college town and my BIL (a sheriff) suggested I do. I got in touch with a woman and gave her my sisters info and I gave my sister her's but, like most of you said it's my sister that has to make the first  move. It just sucks. She knows I am here we often text at night and she tells me what he did today. Thats the part that kills me. Day after day. 

It just sucks period.

You know the weird part is his dad did this to his mom and he always swore he wouldn't do this to anyone. ( We have known the family forever) It's almost like her staying made the young kids somewhere deep down think this is normal. If that's not reason enough for someone with kids to leave. I don't know what is. Stop the cycle.  

Temp174496125006552

My sister's first marriage wasn't physically abusive, but he was VERY controlling.  He told her to choose between him and her family - guess how that ended.  She gave up all her friends, wasn't allowed to wear makeup, etc.  It was horrible mental abuse.  She doesn't have the best self-esteem (never did) and that is why she stayed.  Fortunately, after 5 years of this nonsense, she finally worked up the courage to leave him. 

I'm sorry about your sister.  I know exactly how you feel. Just be there for her.  Hopefully, she'll get fed up too and get out.

AngieandTony

I asked the same of my sister who stayed for 12 years with a man and had 4 children by him. She once showed up at my door with a broken nose and continued to make excuses and blame herself. It took him going to jail for her to finally get out from under his spell and brainwashing. It really sucks to watch but just let her know you're there for here and help develop an escape plan for her for when she's ready.

ibfloridagirl

because it starts off slow and by the time you realize you're miserable, you're stuck

JulyFiveBride

((hugs)) I'm so sorry. It's amazing how it happens. I was in an emotionally abusive relationship and when I look back on it I think "why didn't I leave sooner??" but at the time it was so hard. He rented the apartment in the same building as my best friend - a house with two apartments in it -  so he could monitor how much time I spent there. If I spent more time there than with him during a day he would call me and tell me how rejected he felt, blah blah blah. He always made me feel like I was hurting him some how, not giving him enough attention, being "rude," etc. It was horrible. I always felt it was my fault and if I said maybe our relationship wasn't working, we obviously weren't making each other happy, it would be "I'd rather be dead than not have you" sob stories. Looking back it was so, so messed up, but I felt guilty all the time. It took me a long time to see that it was really him.

The best thing you can do is continue to be there for her so she has somewhere to turn when she is ready to leave. Keep reminding her that it isn't her fault, it isn't right, and that she deserves to be happy. I hope she comes around soon.

*Bre*

I was in one. I was married to one. When we went to marriage counseling, the counselor sided with him. My now DH was my best friend at the time and helped me find a place to hide from him with his friends (girls) that my H didn't know. He took my phone (I let him) and drove me everywhere so I could park my truck in different spots (XH would come looking for me).

When he (my DH) saw my XH throw a suitcase at me and break a plate while drunk, he told me he had seen enough. I trusted him more than my own family (who were 2000 miles away). I needed someone to boss me. Ultimately, though it was my decision. Good lord I thank my lucky stars for my husband.

 Also, its really hard to understand unless you've been in a really controlling relationship before. You're just so used to being controlled, that you are afraid of what might happen when you break out of it. 

Gin*In*TN

I was in one for over 12 years and I honestly don't have an answer for you. Fear? Familiarity? Comfort? Lack of confidence? Think you aren't worth or can't find someone better? Probably all of the above. I really can't pinpoint it. Everything was such a blur and it was really hard to think for myself when I was with him, so I seriously have no idea what I was really feeling or thinking at the time. I'm sorry your sister is going through that. Just continue to be there for her. Hugs to you and her both!