??? about working opposite schedules/small DH vent

JulieRNbride

I am completely at a loss lately as to how to handle this....if anyone has any better tips/ideas, let me have 'em!

My DH works Mon-Fri 8am-4pm. Totally normal schedule/hours. I work every weekend Fri & Sat night shifts 7pm-7am. We have daycare on Fridays for DS #2; DS #1 is in school all day. I usually plan my Fridays to drop off DS #2 at daycare, do the grocery shopping, and come home and clean the house....do all the laundry, clean bathrooms, vacuum, wash the kitchen floor, etc. Then I can nap in the afternoon before work, or read, or watch TV, pay bills, etc.

I work all night Friday night, come home and sleep 4-5 hours. Get up, usually hang out with my DH and kids, maybe read the paper, clean up the kitchen, and shower and go back to work Saturday night.

When I get home on Sunday mornings, DH usually wants me to go to church with them (9am mass). Which means staying up, getting home around 10:30 am, then sleeping from 11am-3pm. When I get up on Sunday afternoons, I want to cry.....the house is a disaster, the kids are running around like lunatics, and NOTHING is done around the house. Yes, sometimes dishes are in the dishwasher, but the floors are a mess, the kitchen counters are filled with junk (DH's papers, tools, etc), laundry is piled up, etc.

We have gotten into numerous fights over this, and DH's standard response is, "Let it go! You have all week to put the house back in order, who cares if it is a little messy after boys weekends?"

I think, after functioning on 7-8 hours of sleep from Friday until Sunday afternoon, I should be able to get up, relax, and not wake up with the dreaded feeling of having to clean, cook, and organize everything. We have made some changes (Sunday nights are now takeout nights or pizza) that have helped, but on Mondays I feel like I am drowning.....

Anyone have any ideas???

gypsywitch

DH and I often work opposite shifts, although he works nights and we only work week days....This is how we usually run things

~ DH usually cleans up a bit before he goes to work, and some days cooks dinner before he leaves so I'm not rushing with dinner and taking care of the DD.

~ On the nights he doesn't cook, I cook and he takes that for lunch or eats it when he gets home.

~ Sometimes he wakes up in the mornings and helps me with DD

I don't know if that helps you at all...but DH SHOULD keep the house a little tidy for you; you work hard all week to make sure thigns are put together for him, he can at least reciprocate. I don't know how to get that through to him though....all you can do is keep beating it into him. Maybe don't expect him to keep the house spotless or up to your standards, but tell him he can keep it a LITTLE better for you. A mans idea of clean, and a womans are totally different!!

duchess0727

I think that probably since your DH works more than you, it's fair for him to leave the serious cleaning and the cooking for you during the week.  But it's completely fair for you to ask him to pick up after him and the boys, especially his own papers and junk, and to throw a few loads of laundry in.  What does he do Sat nights while you are working?  If he's home, it seems like this stuff would take an hour of his evening and if he's home anyways, he should be able to  do this after your kids go to sleep.  Both my husband and I have a rule which is we pick up the house every night whether we are home by ourselves or together. 

EastCoastBride

Have you just tried talking to him, heart to heart, from a point of view of "I can't just let it go.  I'm willing to let some of it go, but it really stresses me out to wake up to so much mess.  I would REALLY appreciate it if you could meet me 1/2 way." then list out what is the most important to you.  what pisses you off the most?  Ask that those things get taken care of.  But try to pull at his heart strings a little!

But I wouldn't expect everything to be perfect.  Most of the time you're home, you only have 1 child, and you have one day w/ no kids.  Most of the time your DH is home, he has both boys.  I wouldn't be expecting him to take care of everything perfectly.  This is why I say figure out what matters the most to you.  What would be the biggest help, stress you out the least?

However, you being home "all week" isn't an excuse for your DH to not help at all.

Iblamethebeer

I feel your pain and don't want this to sound mean.

but, are you maybe suffering from overly high expectations?

if you clean the kitchen floor on Friday, is it really THAT dirty again by Sunday afternoon that you can't concentrate?  While I think that your husband should have to do his share of "the work," maybe you need to dial down your idea of what work is necessary, and then you guys can figure out some time slots for doing it and not worry about it the rest of the time -- particularly when the time you want him to be doing "the work" is smack in the middle of one of his only 2 days to play with his kids.

If he agreed to do the laundry Saturday night after the boys were asleep and to do a sweep of the kitchen counters before you woke up Sunday afternoon, could you agree to just not look at the kitchen floors until, say, Tuesday?  Isn't biweekly floor cleaning good enough?