i'm not sure how to deal with this (kinda long)

bargar18

so my parents divorced when i was 3 and both got remarried when i was like 7.  having dealt with separate families my whole life was never easy, but good in the sense that i didn't know any different.

recently, there has been a lot of trouble brewing between my step-mom and my sister.  lots of anger and lots of negativity.  having talked to my dad last night for a really long time, it's come out that my step-mom is holding all kinds of negative feelings from over the past 22 years.  anger towards my dad for things that happened, which has ended up making her resent my sister and i.  my dad is not perfect and was probably very hard to live with.  but as he's gotten older, he's changed and has become a better person.

but at almost 30 years old, i am now having to deal with the reality that my parents may end up getting divorced if they can't work this out.  i'm having to deal with the fact that someone i love (my step-mom) has been holding in all kinds of negative feelings towards me for the past 20 some years.  and she's holding negative feelings for things that #1 aren't my fault and #2 weren't things that i could control as a child or didn't know i was doing wrong.  you can't be mad at me for being messy and not making my bed as a 12 year old and still be pissed this many years later. (granted it's more than just that)

it's so crazy.  it's a bunch of things that she's let build up over the years and at this point in our lives, she needs to be able to move on.

i'm not sure how to deal with this at this point in my life.  i can't handle another destroyed family. :-(

AngelaEsq

You need to speak with your step mother and tell her how you feel.

bargar18

AngelaEsq:

You need to speak with your step mother and tell her how you feel.

while i do agree that it's best to get this stuff out in the open, this is all a little too 'new' and 'fresh'...i think it might make it worse since the problem originally starts with my dad.  i appreciate your advice though!  i wish i could talk to her about how i feel.  i just don't think she cares right now.

AngelaEsq

bargar18:

AngelaEsq:

You need to speak with your step mother and tell her how you feel.

while i do agree that it's best to get this stuff out in the open, this is all a little too 'new' and 'fresh'...i think it might make it worse since the problem originally starts with my dad.  i appreciate your advice though!  i wish i could talk to her about how i feel.  i just don't think she cares right now.

 

If that's the case, then I think you need to keep an open line of communication with your dad, write about your feelings and just allow yourself to feel. You are right to be upset.  My parents divorced also when I was young, (5 years old) and it does change your perspective on life.

 

Maybe you need to be selfish and focus on your immediately family unit. Remember these are your step-moms issues and if she isn't talk to you about it, and you were a child, then you have no ability to fix it. I had to learn in life if someone is harboring pent up issues, that's their problem. You can't time travel.

 

I know none of this helps you, but keep talking about it and I hope that this all works out for your family.

bargar18

AngelaEsq:

bargar18:

AngelaEsq:

You need to speak with your step mother and tell her how you feel.

while i do agree that it's best to get this stuff out in the open, this is all a little too 'new' and 'fresh'...i think it might make it worse since the problem originally starts with my dad.  i appreciate your advice though!  i wish i could talk to her about how i feel.  i just don't think she cares right now.

 

If that's the case, then I think you need to keep an open line of communication with your dad, write about your feelings and just allow yourself to feel. You are right to be upset.  My parents divorced also when I was young, (5 years old) and it does change your perspective on life.

 

Maybe you need to be selfish and focus on your immediately family unit. Remember these are your step-moms issues and if she isn't talk to you about it, and you were a child, then you have no ability to fix it. I had to learn in life if someone is harboring pent up issues, that's their problem. You can't time travel.

 

I know none of this helps you, but keep talking about it and I hope that this all works out for your family.

i appreciate your response.  it's hard to find people that know how i'm feeling.  in my entire life, i've only had 2 friends that came from divorced families...kind of strange :-)

you're right though.  i can't change what happened.  i can only focus on the present and focus on my family.  and if the only thing i get outta this is a closer relationship with my dad, than i'm greatful for that. :-)