- Pregnancy
- Baby & Toddler
- Parents
- Getting Pregnant
- Baby Names
- Product Reviews
-
Registry
- Community
-
More
Want a personalized experience?
Download the free app
Success after IF
MayDayGirl
member
The statement "you'll understand when you have a child"
MayDayGirl
member
I know I know I know it is annoying to some people to hear that statement (and was to me when I was going through IF), but the truth is, there are some things you cannot possibly know or understand or even imagine until you ARE a parent. Just like you can't make someone understand what IF feels like unless they've gone through it.
I hope those of you who haven't had your babies yet can understand why that statement was so easy for us moms to make. We aren't trying to be hurtful or insensitive. But it is the way it is.
ETA (after reading some responses)
Wow, the statement only slightly irked me when dealing with IF, I am surprised how hurtful it actually is to some of you. I honestly had no idea!
I will be much more careful with my words.
Married on 3.20.2004. It took 30 month, 2 failed adoptions and IVF for our first miracle. We have had 9 foster kids since he was born and started the domestic adoption process when he was 10 month old, we had 4 failed matches in that time. After our daughter was born we brought her home and spent 2 weeks fearing we might lose her because of complications that came up. But Praise God all went through and she is ours forever! Expecting again after IVF
This discussion has been closed.
Re: The statement "you'll understand when you have a child"
After 2 rounds of IVF & 2 rounds of FET, we were blessed with identical twin girls!
I would agree with you even now as a parent. There are times that I think it but try not to say it. I always felt like I wasn't part of some "club". It is true but I don't think people need a constant reminder about it.
After 2 rounds of IVF & 2 rounds of FET, we were blessed with identical twin girls!
Yep.
Amber
TTC since March '06
MFI, LPD, possible PCOS
3 chem pgs * m/c identical twins at 9w 10.06
IVF w/ICSI #2 - beta - 187! (9dp5dt), beta - 367! (11dp5dt)
IVF w/ICSI #3 - it's a girl!
My IF Blog: Between the Lines
My Parenting Blog: Letters From Your Mama
yeah, it feels condescending to me, too. heck it felt condescending even before we started TTC, but having IF just adds insult to injury. of course it goes without saying that you can't understand what having a baby/being a parent is like until you experience it for yourself, but actually SAYING that, or using as a point in your argument, is kind of low, IMO. and when you're still reeling from the IF pain, it is the last thing you want to hear. so while it is most definitely true, i don't think it really needs to be said. the argument (i.e. sometimes things come up and your childcare falls through last minute) can be made without that statement.
Because we're fancy like that.
Wow, the statement only slightly irked me when dealing with IF, I am surprised how hurtful it actually is to some of you. I honestly had no idea!
I will be much more careful with my words.
omg..I never once thought this statement could possibly offend anyone or be condescending....even if it is common sense..there are some things I never thought I would do or say before I had a child and would not have thought twice to use this statement to explain myself....wow
I guess I don't see what's wrong with the statement when said to someone that is expecting a child. I know my mindset about a lot of things changed.
I expected to have a clean house, laundry done, dinner on the table since I was going to be a SAHM. LOL that does not happen!
I expected to not be tired because I was ok without sleep in college and at the end of my pregnancy. LOL I was dead tired
I can see how painful that statement would be on the IF board. But we should all be able to talk about the befores and afters of being pregnant and having children truthfully.
Married 8.13.2005, M/C 12/8/06- 5 weeks, M/C 2/27/07- 7 weeks, M/C w/ D&C 8/10/09-6.5 weeks *Charles Lawrence born 5/2/08 @ 3:14am, 7lb 8oz, 20.5 inches. Clomid, Crinone and baby aspirin. *Alexandra Claire born 9/14/10 @ 9:52am 6lb 14oz, 20.5 inches. Femara, Crinone and baby aspirin.
I was starting to feel like a horrible person! I'm glad I'm not the only one who didn't know!
Ditto.
I'm also not a fan. I KNOW that I can't understand something, *anything*, about someone's experience until I've walked in someone else's shoes. I'm painfully aware of what I can't understand about being a parent because I haven't had a chance to raise a child yet (but I do try to understand as much as possible). Since I'm the first to admit this, I am irritated when people feel the need to point it out. From *some* people (not anyone here, just some IRL people) it comes across as them thinking they're better than me because they have this insight/knowledge.
GG for the win!
I hate the statement, but man it's sometime true. You can't go on someone else's experience. It's a whole new playing field. I know there have been times in the past 4 months I was like WTF and my sister would remind me what I said or did to her. She just keeps saying "see things change when your a mom". I was pretty harsh to her sometimes that she had no control over or make fun of her for crying at certain things.
I was a bad sister, but now I totally get it and she gets to say "See things change when your a mom".
Savannah
Callista
Baby Trail Blog
"Someday we will look at our babies and know it will be worth it. If it was easy, we would not have had our babies, the babies we were meant to have." From Amy052006
I don't think anyone is saying don't be truthful! I think conversations about what you expected, and what you then learned, about babies and parenthood can be really fruitful and interesting. But a blanket statement saying "oh, you'll understand when you have a baby" assumes 1. there is a universal experience out there to understand and 2. the person you say that to wouldn't understand something like "I thought being a SAHM would be different than it is," but instead needs to be told they just don't get it yet. Not everyone experiences parenthood in the same way (I know a handful of SAHMs who have immaculately clean houses.. I have no idea how they do it, but they do). and why not just say, "being a SAHM is different than i thought it would be?" and leave it at that? why add the extra statement "oh, you'll understand when..." ? That is what seems condescending to me.
I'm not trying to single you out, specifically, but just trying to use your examples. Hopefully that makes sense...
Because we're fancy like that.
After 2 rounds of IVF & 2 rounds of FET, we were blessed with identical twin girls!
It just seems really easy for people to say they'll never do something when they really have no idea how they'll do something (after they have kids for example). That is why that statement was getting thrown around.
FWIW I was saying in the whole RE post, "you might feel differently when you have a child", which I guess I think it different than the stmt in the title. But what do I know?
This exactly. I know you can never say never (except I stand by my commitment to never take a child to McDonalds, ha!)
I'm really not that sensitive and I don't get my feelings hurt easily (half the time I wonder what is wrong with me because I do not understand why some people get their feelings hurt!) I just find the statement really condescending, sort of like a verbal pat on the head for a child.
I agree and these are never things I actually even said outloud! I was just thinking personally what I kinda wish someone had told me I was crazy to think that when I was pregnant. And more or less my clean house thing- This is my new thought... why did I think I'd have a clean house after a child if I never had a clean house before a child!
I actually don't think the words "You'll understand when..." has ever come out of my mouth. But I know I have said "JUST WAIT..." to my SIL. lol they think it's fun to give loud annoying gifts at Christmas and give desserts to DS at 9pm at night! etc!
Married 8.13.2005, M/C 12/8/06- 5 weeks, M/C 2/27/07- 7 weeks, M/C w/ D&C 8/10/09-6.5 weeks *Charles Lawrence born 5/2/08 @ 3:14am, 7lb 8oz, 20.5 inches. Clomid, Crinone and baby aspirin. *Alexandra Claire born 9/14/10 @ 9:52am 6lb 14oz, 20.5 inches. Femara, Crinone and baby aspirin.
I hope you don't think I was targeting you, because I totally wasn't. I was just using your examples because my brain is fried at the moment and I am lazy.
Now... "JUST WAIT..." I can appreciate.
After 2 rounds of IVF & 2 rounds of FET, we were blessed with identical twin girls!
LOL Kim- you didn't quote me! lol LadyChicago did. No hurt feelings I was just clarifying.
I kinda went off topic from what Mayday was saying. I think she was saying- it's harder to get babysitters than you expect when you are pregnant (and have to go to the RE/doctors etc.) . I thought I'd have hordes of babysitters and would find some HS girl that would come over. Ummm how am I going to find this HS girl- none of my friends are going to give me their babysitters number!!!
Married 8.13.2005, M/C 12/8/06- 5 weeks, M/C 2/27/07- 7 weeks, M/C w/ D&C 8/10/09-6.5 weeks *Charles Lawrence born 5/2/08 @ 3:14am, 7lb 8oz, 20.5 inches. Clomid, Crinone and baby aspirin. *Alexandra Claire born 9/14/10 @ 9:52am 6lb 14oz, 20.5 inches. Femara, Crinone and baby aspirin.
To me it is condescending, but in a way that ALL blanket statements are -- just the fact that they are so inclusive/exclusive, like you are out of the "club." I have had so many parents say this to me when I have to tell them things they don't want to hear -- as if I was no good as school psych because I didn't have children of my own. Now that I am a mom, all I hear is "Just wait until your daughter is a teenager," as if that excuses their poor parenting decisions.
While I completely agree that there are some experiences that just cannot be fully grasped until you've lived them (IF, parenthood, the loss of a parent, etc.), I just hate when these types of statements are used to try to prove that one person is less intelligent or experienced (and therefore inferior to) another. (And, for the record, I know that was NOT your intention, MayDay!)
The worst is when it comes from someone who has been a mom for about 5 minutes...like giving birth to a baby somehow makes you an expert.
I basically raised my 2 siblings and when my SIL (who had an 18-month-old) said that to me (acting like an expert on everything baby) I wanted to yell, "I'll bet I know 10 times more about kids than you do!!"
Looks like I need to go search for the origin of this post!
But regardless I think it is condescending also. I'll never forget one time when a good friend in our group was getting divorced but debating trying to work things out w/ her husband. They had just had their 2nd baby and another friend of ours was saying to several of us who did not have children that we just didn't understand how hard this divorce would be because they have kids and basically insinuating that b/c we didn't have children, we couldn't possibly understand that a divorce when children are involved has a higher level of complication than when no kids are involved. I found it really offensive, like she thought we were morons & could not comprehend that, so I have never said it to anyone.
On a similar note, MH will say things to our friends who have singleton babies about how much harder it is w/ twins and "trying having two", etc and I really try to get him not to say that type of thing too, it is along the same lines to me, I don't think we have to point out that it is hard to have twins and it makes it seem like we are pooh poohing how hard it is to have one baby, esp for new parents.
Anyway, my long winded way of saying I too get why ppl would have been offended.