What to expect when meeting adoptive parents??

cjmorgan

I'm going to be a birth mother and I have pick a few couples through my agency. I'm having my first meeting with a family I adore and I was just wondering what should I expect. My agency gave me a list of questions that will be brought up, but they also told me I should probably bring in my own questions. What type of questions have you guys been asked and how did these meeting usually go for you? good or bad. Thanks for any advice!

K8-B

I have absolutely no advice for you, but wanted to wish you luck. I hope things go really well for you!

lilmufish

Although I've never been in that position of talking with a birth mother yet, a friend of mine said that a few questions she wasn't expecting that her birth mother asked her during their first meeting was:

1. Are you going to be raising your children under any particular religion orientation (Catholic, Jewish, Wicca, Nothing, etc)

2. Will I (as the birth mother) be allowed in helping you choose either the baby's first or middle name?

3. If down the road I change my mind and want more pictures/visits/phone call updates/etc with the child will you consider it?

Good luck! If you wouldn't mind, could you come back and let us know how it went? We'd love to hear your experiences and learn from them!

Temp206787500007404

How exciting for you!  We talked about all kinds of stuff, not just baby or adoption-related and our birthmother said it really put her at ease that we were willing to talk about everyday stuff and didn't want to just dive into the logistics and such.

Ask about their hobbies (you can form questions from what you've read in their profile books), talk about sports, things that interest YOU.  Feel free to talk about yourself too, if they aren't asking you questions.  A lot of adoptive parents are afraid to ask the wrong thing and I promise they will be just as nervous as you are.

Payton's birthmother flat out asked my husband if he was prepared to be a father, which really surprised us.  Apparently she was very concerned that the couple she picked was in it together, and the father wasn't just being dragged along.  You could ask questions to gauge their comfort level with whatever level of openness you're looking for.  We talked about this at length at our first meeting and it was brought up by our birthmother.  She also asked us if we had names picked for a boy/girl (she didn't know gender when we first met) and we talked about those and she asked if we would use her middle name (and we were in agreement).  If you have any deal breakers like that -- it's good to work them into that initial conversation and then you can get an honest answer (b/c they have to answer on the fly). 

Best of luck to you!

maddieg78

I haven't been in either position.. but I think you have to ask anything that you want to know about.  Something that maybe you saw in their profile that you wondered about.  Or what their life is like without a baby, their reason for wanting to adopt, how having the baby will change their lives.  Stuff that will make you comfortable in your decision with selecting the right family to parent the baby.  Even ask them what type of relationship they would like to have with you.  How much contact or little contact will there be between you and them and the baby.

Good Luck!!

lv1028

First of all I want to wish you luck! I too am a Birthmom and know all of the things that you are going through. The questions that the agency gives you are a good starting point for conversation. Trust me, the questions will start to flow after all of the initial ones. If you really connect with the family sometimes questions that you never thought to ask will be answered.

Make sure that if you are doing an open adoption that you discuss how open you want it to be. Not only for you, but also for them. My adoption was open and we had decided on pictures and letters every month for the first year and then every 4 months after that. 6 years later, I get them once a year. We came to an agreement that my daughter would be able to contact me if she wanted when she was older. Her adoptive parents made it very clear that she would know everything about me and her BF. These are important things to keep in mind at you meeting.

 Good luck and if you need any advice please let me know! Be strong! 

Jessie*J

No pointers here --- just wanted to wish you luck!

ColoRxGirl

One question I have in mind for our future birthmom is, "what kind of childhood experiences do you envision for this child?"  I'd like to know if the birthmom sees the child camping or riding horses or playing sports or other types of things - and how our lifestyle might work with that.

We will also ask about input on the name.  We have our heart set on a girl's first name, but we'd love her ideas on middle names and boy names, if she has a preference.

I really don't see our first meeting with her as an interview of her - meaning we don't plan to grill her (and/or birthfather) on her history.  More importantly, I would like for both parties to get a feel for how our family can fulfill her dreams for the kind of life she wants for this child.  And we want to make sure we are on the same wavelength (so to speak) about contact, expectations, etc.

But, mostly, we'd just like to get to know her.  What she likes, what kind of music, food, and things interest her, etc.  What her family is like and what about us appealed to her - that kind of stuff.

Personally, I kind of imagined that she would have WAY more questions for us than the other way around.