Postpartum depression or normal NICU-mom stuff?

JrzyMeeba1

Hunter is now at 32w1d gestational age, born at 26 weeks, and today is day 44 of his NICU stay.

With the holidays, we've been seeing many more new nurses faces than we used to.  He has a primary 'team' of nurses, but with the holiday schedule, we've been rarely seeing them.

I've been feeling really frustrated and helpless the majority of time we're at the NICU.  When we're not there, all I want to do is sleep.  His fluid intake is quickly approaching the 10-11oz/day that I'm pumping.. and they add calories, protein, and lipids to my milk.. so I'm feeling really discouraged to continue pumping.

I'm not sure if how I feel is postpartum depression, or just normal frustration and emotions that I should expect to feel when having no control over my own child.  What I've read suggests that PPD symptoms frequently include wanting to harm myself or my baby.. and I have none of that.  Just general blah, disinterested, overtired, frustrated and easily irritated.

(As a side note.. I've also been wanting to spend less and less time AT the NICU, mainly because of how I feel while I'm there.  I'd love to spend more time with my son, but get so annoyed and can do so little while I'm there that instead of feeling good about seeing him, I leave cranky.  Then I feel guilty.  I'm still going, but just feel so guilty about how I feel while I'm there.)

MonicaD

I am sorry you are feeling this way I am right there with you though. My DD was born at 29 wks and is now at 35w1d and we have been in the the NICU 47 days now.

I AM EXHAUSTED too All I do is rest and pump and see baby girl and rest and pump some more. My house looks like a train wreck and I am soooo grouchy with my poor hubby who has been so supportive.

Our nurses at the NICU tell me that this is all normal.

Soon it will be over and we will have our babies home and we can do what we want to do when we want to do it :-)

Good Luck to you let me know if you want to chat about it email me if you do monica77099@yahoo.com

Lavender444

I'm sorry you are feeling so down. I think you need to be a little easier on yourself. Not only are you dealing with a NICU baby, but you are still morning the loss of your other son. You need to allow yourself some you time without guilt. Sleep, get a massage, go for a walk meet with a solace group... Whatever you need to feel better.

I hope you start to feel better soon.

Denesdia

I really feel for you.  My DD was in the NICU for 96 days and I really started to lose my mind in the worst way towards the end.  A combination of responding to the trauma of the birth, not working, struggling with serious medical issues several times, it really could have been a million different pieces of a puzzle.  I had a very supportive network and DH, but I really internalized a lot of the pain.  Our DD came home, and I was really hoping to feel normal.  She was a good eater, a good sleeper, and I went back to work a couple weeks after she came home.  Within 3-4 months, I was struggling with insomnia, tearfulness, irrational thinking, etc.  I did see my OB and was diagnosed with PPD. I never wanted to hurt myself or the baby, but I just didn't feel like myself.  I was prescribed anti-depressants and I am still taking them now.  I say all of this to say that I did everything that I knew how to do to take care of myself, but I realize that the most important thing I did was to tell someone when things didn't get better inside me when my situation vastly improved.  Your situation would make any reasonable person depressed and full of anxiety.  Be gentle with yourself, and don't compare yourself to other people.  Most people can't relate to what we go through in the NICU. 

AmyandJosh07

My son was born at 29 weeks...6 weeks ago. He's still in the NICU but we're hoping he will be out within a week.

 I went through the exact same things you're talking about. My husband freaked...saying "should you see someone should you see someone???" about my "depression"...but, really, I think it's normal. I mean, how ELSE are you supposed to react when something so ridiculously shitty happens to you? Yes, if you are thinking of harming yourself or your baby, get help. But don't feel guilty for feeling the way you feel! You are SUPPOSED to be sad and frustrated and annoyed.

Only advice is to REST when you need to. Don't go to the NICU if it makes it worse! Take a day off, or only go once a day if you are going twice. I found that I felt so much better the next day if I actually admitted I couldn't handle it. You have to be feeling a little better for when he comes home. :-)

delos24

I'm so sorry you are going through this.  I'm in a very similar situation and I believe this is part of the emotional roller coaster ride everyone talks about. I look forward to sleeping every night, not just for the rest, but as an escape. 

We recently delivered our twin boys, Gabe and Landon, at 25 weeks, 4 days. Sadly, Gabe passed away the next day and Landon has been in the NICU for 24 days.  We are just at the start of this long journey and I, too, struggle with conflicting feelings.  So, I think what you're feeling is totally valid.

My DH and I have been talking with the hospital chaplain a lot and are looking into joining a support group to help sort out our feelings. We also have been getting comfort from friends that experienced this with their daughter, which has really helped us. 

JrzyMeeba1

Thanks for your replies.. I know that emotionally, there's a lot on my plate right now.  And yes, my house is most definitely a train wreck.  LOL

Delos24 made an excellent point (I'm so sorry for your loss, by the way).. I think I want to sleep to pass time, not necessarily because I'm that tired.

Thankfully, while I've been generally more irritable than usual, I haven't been snappy with my husband.. just venting, really, about what's pissing me off that moment.

I feel better having posted this, since this is a situation that clearly no one actually 'gets' unless they've been through it, and you guys have made me feel as though my feelings are more validated than I thought.

I just can't wait to get him home.. even though I'm terrified of taking care of him and not having monitors to tell me he's doing okay!

KellyMichelle

I'm sorry you are feeling this way.  Your feelings sound pretty normal for a NICU mom.  Does your NICU have support group meetings?  I know that helped me alot. 

It may be good for you to take a day away from the NICU.  Just spend the day relaxing and do something for yourself.  When you go back you may feel more relaxed and emotionally recharged.

Hopefully now that the holidays are over everything will settle down and that will help also.  We are all here for you anytime you need to talk/vent/cry. 

southphilly

you are going through so much!  a baby in the nicu during the holidays, a loss of a child, regular post partum hormones-you have a right to feel tired, miserable-whatever!  I felt totally disoriented the entire time we were in the nicu (and sometimes still).  and I totally understand the nurse thing-change of staff always freaked me out.  hopefully things will be back to "normal" soon and the hospital won't seem so stressful

 

purplepuggles

i think it is normal. what helped a lot was DH convincing me to take a couple days off. we spent one weekend together, not at the NICU and it helped immensely. i felt very guilty at the time, and called morning noon and night, but after the two days i was glad to go back, i had gotten some sleep and was overall just able to function for a few more weeks. if you feel you can, take a day or two off from going to the NICU and just take time to breathe and rest.

jack was in the NICU for the 75 longest days of my life - i know what you are going through and i am so sorry. it is just SO hard - especially since with the pumping you are getting up as if you have a newborn, AND you are traveling to and from the hospital, AND missing your baby AND frustrated by the NICU stay AND a million other things. *HUGS*

honestly, a nice dinner out (or order in!) with DH, and a day of napping in between your pumpings really really helped me. hang in there momma - before long it will feel like a bad dream and you will wonder how you ever did it!

Heather1979

I'm voting for normal NICU stuff.

It's traumatic to be there, I can't imagine what some of you ladies went through, it was hell the two weeks my LO was there.

It's feeling helpless when society tells you it's a time when you can (should) control things.

It's also a time when people tell you silly things- they might not mean to be offensive, but most of the advice or whatever I got was NOT helpful unless it was from someone who had been there. (ie: don't tell me that I'm lucky because I can go home and sleep at night.)

If you need to talk, PM me- I poke my head in here pretty often, *hugs*

lemen99

I haven't experienced PPD, but, I think what you're feeling is common for NICU moms.  (hugs)  I hope things get easier soon - Hunter has had such a rough time.

 

Ali05

I know I m a little late responding. Anyways just wanted to chime in with the other ladies. Kevin spent 53 days in the NICU. I knew I was not "me" but I didn't know what to do. It's hard being a NICU mom and you are still working through your loss. The best thing is to continue to seek out support. Don't bottle it up. I remember one day I just crashed..I left the NICU at 9am and slept from 10am to 8 the next morning. It is a lot. ((Hugs)) do you like to read? Maybe get some "feel good" stories to read while you visit Hunter.