Really Upset With "Best Friend"
Ok, I will try to make this short and sweet, but I just want some opinions because I am very bothered and hurt by what my supposed best friend has said to me.
Best Friend is getting married at the end of June, since she got engaged she would always joke about me not getting pregnant before her wedding, I made it very clear that I wasn't going to full on try, but we also weren't avoiding it. Well, when I found out I was pregnant my friend said she was happy but I could tell she was upset and crying. Fast forward to yesterday when I had first u/s: Called her to tell her how excited we were because we saw baby! Well, she keeps asking me if I am sure if I want to be in wedding because of how far along I will be at her wedding (8 mos), I told her she is my best friend and I will be there for her. Well, she kept asking so I confronted her and asked her if she even wants me in it because it seems as though she doesn't. She told me that she wanted to be honest, she wants me in it, but she is mad that I wasn't more careful because of her wedding. She said that if the roles were reversed she would have been careful and that is where we "are different!"
I cannot believe her! I am married and having my first child and she is mad because I "will take away from her day!" I told her it is HER wedding and no one will be paying attention to the pregnant bridesmaid, but she can't see past that. Right now, I don't want to talk to her, don't want to see, and I honestly don't want to be in her wedding! We are supposed to be best friends and I am just in shock and really hurt by our conversation!
What would you do?!? Thanks for any help/advice I get!
Re: Really Upset With "Best Friend"
I get both sides of this. She's disappointed because you might not be there (realistically), and you're upset that she's not as happy as you think she should be.
This is a no win situation. I don't think she's at fault, but I don't think you are either.
It seems like maybe she doesn't want you to be a bridesmaid. I would step down and offer to still be there to help her, but maybe in a different capacity.
The thing that upsets me is that she is most upset that I will "take away from her." Those were her exact words, I may take away from her wedding by being the pregnant lady in the wedding : (
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That is what I told her. She can't expect me to plan my future around her wedding.... And it matters to her because she is afraid I will take attention away from her, which is RIDICULOUS!
Thank you, I am really leaning towards doing this.
Well if she said that, then she's selfish. Poor pretty pretty princess bride who thinks a pregnant lady will take away from HER day.
That is ridiculous. Apparently she is just not secure with her self and she seems to be selfish. My Matron of Honor was 7 months pg at my wedding and it didn't effect my day whatsoever. Maybe she just had it in her head that she really didn't want you to be pg, and now that you are she just has to get over her initial thoughts. Hopefully she will get over it and be able to be happy for you. One day when she is starting a family, she will realize how foolish she was.
You're welcome. It totally sucks, but remember that right now, you need to do what is best for you and your LO. Chin up and get DH to give you some extra hugs!
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It seems to me that she doesn't care at all. It seems like all she cares about is appearance. If she cared more about you, she would not care if you were pregnant. people cant put their lives on hold because others are getting married.
I would tell her that you will be there for her no matter what, but step down as a bridesmaid. It seems kind of obvious she does not want any pregnant people in her wedding party, regardless of how close you are. I am sorry that you are going through this!
This is a perfect response.
wow, and big disclaimer I'm sorry that my response might seem kind of harsh:
but your friend is a terrible person. For your best friend to NOT be thrilled, happy, and excited for your pregnancy is unacceptable. I can understand that your friend would be mildly upset I suppose that you will be pregnant and in her wedding, but seriously, that is an extremely narrow minded and self-centered attitude to have.
You are bringing a life into this world, and your friend is actually mad that you are causing her some kind of inconvenience? that is ridiculous.
And then furthermore, she is actually blaming you for NOT waiting? since when is she involved in the creation of your child? Will she be helping you raise the child? or is this a decision between you and your husband? Not to mention you told her that you didn't even "mean" to get pregnant and accidents do happen.
I don't know, I just don't understand how someone can be such a terrible friend.
I apologize for how harsh my response might seem, but I personally would not put up with someone with that attitude.
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I agree with the posters who said it sounds like she doesn't want a pregnant bridesmaid. Based on this, I would just step down. Her comment that you would be taking away from her is absolutely ridiculous; it sounds like it's about appearances.
Agreed
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Why don't you give it some time before you do this, if she really is your BFF? Yeah, her reaction sucks, but give her a chance to get over it before you bow out of her wedding, for the sake of the friendship. She's in a different place in her life, and she doesn't get it, but it doesn't make her a bad person. She has a vision for her wedding, and this is a major change in her eyes...she's probably thinking about the bachelorette party that you can't participate in, the reception fun that you might be too exhausted for, etc. Yeah, it's selfish, it's the wrong attitude, but she's emotional and reactive. Give her some time to adjust her view.
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Your first reply was harsh but completely true! lol! Being respectful and civilized is going to be a task!
My twin sister was my matron of honor in my wedding, and she was months pregnant with my niece. I took her situation into account when we were choosing the dresses, We chose empire waistlines and we had the front of hers modified with an extra piece of fabric for her belly. The point is I love her and I wanted her there with me, so I worked with her! And guess what, no one was looking at her any differently than any of the other maids. It was MY day, and I couldn't have done it without her. If I were you, I would bow out.
agree 100 % with this ...
This exactly!!! she's being selfish
At the risk of sounding like a fence-sitter, I would agree with the pp that said to maybe give it a little time but then I'd agree with the "bow out gracefully" group.
It may be a matter of giving her enough time to adjust her expectations since most brides have that certain ideal wedding in mind. Maybe a little time will give her the perspective that she is CLEARLY lacking at the moment.
But if a little time doesn't fix her attitude, this is an excellent opportunity to be a bigger person, bow out gracefully despite her lack grace.
I wish you the best in dealing with all that drama though.
I would just opt out if she is that upset.
Honestly, I am in my friends wedding in July. I told her we were trying and she was all for it. Then, when I ended up pregnant and due 3 weeks after her wedding, I gave her the option of not having me stand up with her. She said she definitely wanted me in it still. Sadly, I miscarried that pregnancy, but I am not pregnant again and due the end of August. I will still be hugely pregnant, and my friend is still supporting me in that.
I guess I don't understand her point of view. I would never be pissed at a friend if she ended up pregnant around my wedding. I guess I have never been one that thought my friends should put their own lives on hold for my one day.
You know I am almost in this exact situation, well except the bride, my future sil is thrilled for us. I was supposed to be in my bil's wedding this coming June and had to step out. My reasoning though was not due to bitchy bride, but because I am having a high risk pregnancy, and didn't want to take the chance of stepping down at the last minute. I delivered my son at 33 weeks last June, and I'm afraid of it happening again.
I agree with everyone else and just tell her you don't feel comfortable being in it, and just back out. It's a shame that she feels the look of the bridal party will be affected by a pregnant bridesmaid - That no one would even notice as much as the bride! Anyway, good luck with your decision.
My husband and I are both in the same wedding this summer in July.... If all goes well (fingers crossed) I'll be 8 months pregnant. I honestly have a feeling the bride will want me out of the wedding but want to keep my husband in it.
I think if that's how your "BF" is gonna act, that's ridiculous. She obviously isn't much of a friend. Friends are happy for each other when things like this happen. I bet she also picked out a really ugly dress for her bridesmaids so she was the only pretty one <rolls eyes>
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I would have given anything for my (at the time) NINE-month pregnant BF to be in attendance at my wedding. Unfortunately, it was simply too far of a jaunt for her and her husband, and she ended up delivering less than 2 weeks after!
Life happens. Your friend needs to get a clue. (Although I do agree with the PP who suggested that you give it a couple days before bowing out...no need to make the decision while you're still hurt / angry / upset.)
I agree with all the previous posts, however, we are all pregnant women who have moved far beyond our wedding day being the most important day of our lives to look to the future. I don't think your friend is handling it well but try not to push so hard back. At the moment she is not in a place to understand what an incredible journey starting a family is and I am sure if you can make it through this bump in your friendship she will apologize and be mortified at her behavior when she is ready to start a family.
I feel sorry for her that she is so insecure to think an 8 month pregnant lady in a bridesmaid dress is going to outshine her. Someone with that sort of insecurity must be in complete agony trying to plan this wedding. She will look back on it and realize what a fool she was.
I agree completely with this. Honestly, your friend is being a complete idiot, but there is no reason to start a giant brouhaha about it. I can only imagine the tears, recriminations and drama if you immediately react by dropping out of the wedding party. Give it some time.