S/O lack of guilt

14years

I wonder if women feel less "guilty" about working as their children get older.  For example, I can completely see how you could feel guilty about dropping off a 3 month old and not really being able tell if she "likes" her DCP or ask her how her day was or get any kind of reaction from her about her situation.  But, by the time your child is old enough that you can tell whether she enjoys the daycare, whether she is learning interesting things, whether she has bonded with her daycare providers, I would think that most people would feel less "guilty."

Thoughts?

AlisaS

I think that is probably true age-wise.  Especially if it is a new daycare situation.  But I would say concern is different than guilt. ANd maybe women confuse the two or the lines get blurry.

shouldbworkin

Yes, I think that is true.  I had a lot of worries when my first child went to daycare and when I went back to work.  There's always fear of the unknown and people are always telling you what to do, it's hard to stay confident in your decisions.  As time goes on, you have experiences that hopefully let you know that you've made the right decisions for your family. 

We just came back from vacation with DH's family and it was good to see that my kids are well adjusted and have no problem hanging out with family members they don't see regularly and that they are pretty darn smart and charming.  Some of it is genetics and some is their environment - I'm please with how the mix of both has turned out.  (and it's easier to see that things are going well when they're 2 and 4, kwim?).

jennynorene

I agree with Alisa. I think it's easier to feel comfortable with your childcare when your kid can tell you they are having fun. But I also agree that people may confuse guilt with concern, sadness or stress. From time to time I have felt all of those things but I have not had guilt because I am sure of my choice to work. I do think there are other things that could play into the guilt though, like if you are happy at your job, feel a sense of purpose, have working mom role models, your husband's and family's feelings about working moms, etc.

luvmagoldn

I think it is going to be the opposite for me.  I don't worry so much about leaving them during the day.  After a weekend at home with all three of my guys I am usually ready for the "break" of going back to work.  But I think that is because I have three kids under three so they all require a lot of time, attention, and energy from me.  It's exhausting.

I know they are well cared for by the nanny and they have loads of fun with her so I don't worry about that.  Even on the rough days when they cry or whine when I leave I know they are having fun a few minutes later.

As they get older I am hoping to cut back on my work schedule.  I worry about missing their school events or sports stuff because of work.  They will be old enough to know I'm not there for those things.  I know I will feel guilty about that.

kim_and_tony

I feel less guilty now that she is older and I can see her excitement in talking about her day.  A lot less guilt.  I hated when she was little how she had to learn "life lessons" as a baby.  For example, having to get up early, go out in the cold, share toys, share attention.  I knew she wasn't the center of the daycare teachers day, but I think in the long run, she will be a better adjusted kid for this.  Mostly, I feel like she learns more/has more fun at this age being at daycare than she would with me at home.  I think there would be a lot more TV at home and probably less healthy meals, less structured learning time, ect.  That is what helps me feel better about my guilt, knowing that if I were home with her I would feel guilty about all the things SHE would be missing out on.

shouldbworkin

luvmagoldn:

I think it is going to be the opposite for me.  I don't worry so much about leaving them during the day.  After a weekend at home with all three of my guys I am usually ready for the "break" of going back to work.  But I think that is because I have three kids under three so they all require a lot of time, attention, and energy from me.  It's exhausting.

I know they are well cared for by the nanny and they have loads of fun with her so I don't worry about that.  Even on the rough days when they cry or whine when I leave I know they are having fun a few minutes later.

As they get older I am hoping to cut back on my work schedule.  I worry about missing their school events or sports stuff because of work.  They will be old enough to know I'm not there for those things.  I know I will feel guilty about that.

I felt like that when I had a 1 and 3 y/o too. And, I feel the same way about after school committments.  I am putting in the hours now so that I can have more flexibility then, when I think it will matter more to them. 

AlisaS

kim_and_tony:

I feel less guilty now that she is older and I can see her excitement in talking about her day.  A lot less guilt.  I hated when she was little how she had to learn "life lessons" as a baby.  For example, having to get up early, go out in the cold, share toys, share attention.  I knew she wasn't the center of the daycare teachers day, but I think in the long run, she will be a better adjusted kid for this.  Mostly, I feel like she learns more/has more fun at this age being at daycare than she would with me at home.  I think there would be a lot more TV at home and probably less healthy meals, less structured learning time, ect.  That is what helps me feel better about my guilt, knowing that if I were home with her I would feel guilty about all the things SHE would be missing out on.

Exactly the same for me. Every day my boys come home with covered with paint and dirt and God knows what and having spent the day with no TV and lots of activity. I know some SAHMs that can keep up that level of activity, but I am not that creative or organized!

The_Jen626

AlisaS:

kim_and_tony:

I feel less guilty now that she is older and I can see her excitement in talking about her day.  A lot less guilt.  I hated when she was little how she had to learn "life lessons" as a baby.  For example, having to get up early, go out in the cold, share toys, share attention.  I knew she wasn't the center of the daycare teachers day, but I think in the long run, she will be a better adjusted kid for this.  Mostly, I feel like she learns more/has more fun at this age being at daycare than she would with me at home.  I think there would be a lot more TV at home and probably less healthy meals, less structured learning time, ect.  That is what helps me feel better about my guilt, knowing that if I were home with her I would feel guilty about all the things SHE would be missing out on.

Exactly the same for me. Every day my boys come home with covered with paint and dirt and God knows what and having spent the day with no TV and lots of activity. I know some SAHMs that can keep up that level of activity, but I am not that creative or organized!

Ha! There's no way I would be able to entertain a kid all day every day. I know that my DD is kept happy, entertained and occupied all day long, and Iove it!

RedBrideNC

AlisaS:

I think that is probably true age-wise.  Especially if it is a new daycare situation.  But I would say concern is different than guilt. ANd maybe women confuse the two or the lines get blurry.

I agree with Alisa. I think that more often than not concern gets confused with guilt. I haven't ever felt guilty about leaving DS with his DCP but when it was all new I was worried about the situation.

Lotte134

jennynorene:

I agree with Alisa. I think it's easier to feel comfortable with your childcare when your kid can tell you they are having fun. But I also agree that people may confuse guilt with concern, sadness or stress. From time to time I have felt all of those things but I have not had guilt because I am sure of my choice to work. I do think there are other things that could play into the guilt though, like if you are happy at your job, feel a sense of purpose, have working mom role models, your husband's and family's feelings about working moms, etc.

Very well said.

HSartteach

jennynorene:

I agree with Alisa. I think it's easier to feel comfortable with your childcare when your kid can tell you they are having fun. But I also agree that people may confuse guilt with concern, sadness or stress. From time to time I have felt all of those things but I have not had guilt because I am sure of my choice to work. I do think there are other things that could play into the guilt though, like if you are happy at your job, feel a sense of purpose, have working mom role models, your husband's and family's feelings about working moms, etc.

this.