For those who say don't rush into filing for divorce...
H is leaving me, and is in no hurry whatever so ever to file. Yet he moved out of the house 2 days after he said he didn't want to be with me.
For me, I've been trying to push him into filing sooner rather then later, so I can move on. He is moved on and doing what he wants, and yet I'm at home raising our daughter, and sticking to our vowels. Somehow it just doesn't seem right.
He says he hasn't thought about filing...how do you not think about it when you say that's what you want?
He seems to be very confused about what he wants and how he feels. I don't know if he's actually confused or dragging his feet, in the hope that I will file on my own.
I don't want to be dragged along for a some ride that he wants to go on. I need some sort of closure and thats not going to happen until I can say 'he's filed, this is really happening'. At this point I hold on to any kind of hope he gives me. I pray, wish, hope for him to come home every.single.day. It's rediculous.
If you weren't in any hurry to file, was it because you had hope it would work out, or you just didn't feel like dealing with it yet?
I guess, because I didn't see this coming, and I don't want the divorce, I am not in a hurry to file myself, but for him to file and make it final. I don't see how someone can say, 'I don't want to be with you, I'm not in love with you', and not be in a hurry to file for a divorce. That is, in the end, the only way to really get rid of me.
Does anyone have any insight for me? Some days are definately easier then others, but I've been struggling since Christmas. He only answers what questions he wants to,and of course isn't helpful.
Thanks, and sorry this got so long. I'm so confused by my feelings!
Re: For those who say don't rush into filing for divorce...
Even if you aren't ready to file for divorce just yet, see about filing for separate maintenance, getting a custody order drawn up, and child support.
Someday I'll write out my whole, drawn out story - but it sounds eerily similar to yours. I ended up giving my H one last chance, and it turned out to be one huge mistake. Instead of moving on with my life these past 6 months, I wasted it on him.
I was in no hurry either, but then I realized that DH had started to make poor decisions when it came to money. My main reason for filing was to seperate our finances in case someone decided to come after him for money. (LA does not have legal separation).
As much as you want him to come home, you need to look at the situation realistically. He is gone, having fun, living the single life while you wait in limbo raising a child. That being said, you have to wait until you are ready to make a move.
There's a lot in this post but I will do my best to answer it. I filed when I was ready to file. I drug my feet for approximately a month after I kicked him out-even though I knew it was OVER. I was ready to do it so I finally did it and don't regret it one bit....that being said, don't do it until you are absolutely ready! You don't want to wish you could take it back. But be realistic about who this man is and what he is doing to you. You say that you hold out hope for any little thing. Why settle for that? You and your child deserve so much better! You say he is confused about what he wants-I doubt this. Usually when someone is confused or says that are it is because they don't want you-sorry to be blunt, but that is the truth. And why settle for someone who doesn't really know if they want you-just because they are the father of your child?
Take control and put the ball back in YOUR court. Don't wait around for HIM to make decisions about YOUR life! We are all here for you. GL!
I think this 75% of the time.
The other 25% of the time I am thinking about the way things were, and the life I had dreamed about the last 6 years. It's so hard to let go.
Don't worry-it will get easier. Just give yourself a break and time to heal. It is still very fresh for you. You will have your good days and bad days but it does get easier. Lots of times it is hard to let go of what we wish we had, not what we really had (at least that's how it was for me). Stay strong-I love the quote that says "you are stronger than you ever believed you could be". It think this is very true!
My situation is a lot different, so there's not a lot that I can really say.
Here in Ohio, you do not have to be divorced to file for child support and I would at least do that much if you haven't already.
If I were you, I would seek legal advice now and not hesitate. There are usually local resources for those who cannot afford legal advice and I would contact a local organization to see what your options for legal advice would be if that is your situation.
First of all, I am very sorry you are going through this. I was "unofficially" separated from my first husband (not legal separation) for a while and since he did the leaving, I thought he should file for the divorce. I got some strong legal advice to do the filing myself. Depending on your state, you can potentially protect yourself better (and your child I'm assuming, although I had no kids with my first husband) if you file vs being sued by him for the divorce. Better to be the plaintiff than the defendant.
Probably not the easiest thing to do, especially if you don't want the divorce in the first place.... I hope things get easier. In my case, when the writing was on the wall and I really was honest with myself that things probably could not and would not get better, getting the divorce was a relief and then you can start to heal. It takes a LONG time to finally feel better, so be good to yourself. Good luck.
You'll know when you're ready. It took me over a year even though I have every good reason to do it. Divorce is emotionally draining and can be expensive. It doesn't necessarily get easier over time, but you get better at managing the pain. My own experience has taught me that the loss of the life you dreamed of is excruciatingly painful and it takes time to heal.
In the meantime you should do everything possible to secure yourself financially. For example, my STBXH fled the country after he was first accused of abusing our daughter. He racked up tons of credit card debt while he was in the Caribbean and because it was "marital debt" his creditors have all come after me. I had to prove we were separated at the time.
Make sure you get everything you can into your own name if it isn't all ready. Get an attorney (contact your local legal aid if you can't afford it) who can advise you on where to go from here, even if you're not ready to officially file. You have to protect yourself and your DC.