Insta-Mom...this week

FML8608

So...FI is staioned in TX. I will be stationed there beginning 2/1/2010. We bought a house there and I've been out there setting up the home but still live in FL until then. FI's 13yo DD and 7yo DS will fly to TX (from FL) to visit him today. I fly in on Wednesday. SS is very respectful of all adults - good kid, etc. SD can be mouthy but for some reason - loves me. If she gets mouthy I give her the look of death and she apologizes. She thinks that Im her best friend (told BM and FI that I was) which - to a certain extent is good b/c I want her to trust me and tell me things she wouldn't tell her dad. I had a SM whom I trusted who gave me good advice and I value that. However, this is the first time we'll be together in FI and my house in TX (in which I don't actually live right now) and the first time we will be with the kids while engaged. I'm going to walk into the situation acting as though it's my house - you know trying to set some guidelines, etc - but not parent. FI and I agreed that he will support me as an authority figure but I'm not sure how to do this...situation by situation or sit down and have a conversation when I get there? I think I know the answer to this one. Ultimately, I don't want her to think of me as her best friend. BM treats her as a friend and not as a child and this girl needs a role model -  not a best friend. I appreciate any insight as I know I'm not the first one on this board to go through this transition. TIA!

FML8608

Oh and this is a six-day visit but the kids will hopefully be coming to live with us in TX this summer and for the school-year so I want to establish boundaries/guidelines starting now so they don't think life in TX is going to be a vacation, do whatever they want, etc. Thanks!

jpowell3

Going off of the information you gave it already sounds like they are well behaved kids, is there a reason you suddenly feel the need to act different? I'm sure sd is excited about the engagment & might be a little thrown off if you suddely start acting differently. It is great that you  have a great bond with her already & that she thinks of you as a friend....I guess I don't see why you feel this needs to change.

FML8608

You know what? You're probably right. I think I'm just concerned b/c FI is in the military and will be leaving for five weeks while they live with us in the fall but I think you're right in that, if she respects me - whether as a SM or a friend, she will listen. Good call. We'll see how the week goes - I'm excited. LOVE those kids!

10-4LilBuddy

I agree.  I don't think you need to change anything.  It sounds like they already love and respect you.  I think changing anything would just be confusing.  I'm sure things will come up as they always do, but you have a loving and supporting FI and you'll address them together.  You'll do great.  Welcome to Texas! 

J+R

Good luck.  Before I would think about or anticipate changes to come, I would see how the kids react. If you already have a good relationship with them, the transition may be easy.

 

Littlejen22

Yeah, I agree with the above, if it is working well then do not change things.  The 13yo needs someone to depend on that is an adult but does not need another parent...if that happens great but if she just respects you and comes to you then that is great too.  My only advice b/c you said you will be with them for 5 weeks in the fall (not sure if that means just on weekends or full-time...and I am not sure if that is stating that BM already agreed to it b/c most BMs would not have BF's FI have the kids - but, when discipline issues come up, work with your DH so that over time the kids see you as someone that they listen to also but be reasonable too, yes it is your house but they have been doing things the same way all their lives so just because they do something different does not make it wrong.  Good luck.  Oh, and that does not mean that if you have a new house and want to have a new rule, like no shoes worn in the house, that you cannot tell them that with the new house (or new carpet) that you will take your shoe off and tell them where they should keep them (like maybe have a place in the garage so that it is easy, etc.

FML8608

Thank you all for your support and postive and constructive feedback. SS called me from FI's phone (for the second time yesterday) last night and asked if I could come to TX today (Tues) even though I'm scheduled to fly in tomorrow. After, FI and I giggled about how sweet that was and I asked FI if he put SS up to that...he said no - that SS said he wanted me to come ASAP b/c I'm his second mom and he wants me there now. Awww....I don't try to be his mom but show him a lot of love and affection which he doesn't get with his mom (in general she's not that affectionate and she doesn't pay him a lot of attention as she maintains a household, works f/t, is a student and has a new BF) and all he wants, like most kids, is to be shown love and positive attention.

 As far as the 5 wks in the fall, at that point, FI will have custody of the kids full time with the exception of visits to their mom in FL whenever they can. She's already agreed to this. I'm trying to get FI to change his school to July before the kids get there so that there are no issues with their mom and he can be with them as much as possible.

J&A2008

I started out as a friend to my SKs.  I don't think it's a bad way to go.  You hold the line when you need to and the relationship will grow from there.

Beginning as a friend is a great way to build the basis for a strong relationship because they know you love and care about them.