Nervous about a potential match...need some advice

hidges

We've just started our adoption journey by working with an adoption consultant.  We've started our paperwork but haven't gotten very far yet. I was a bit surprised today to receive a BM profile to look at, I thought it would be another month or two before we were ready for that, but our consultant got a profile that she thought we would be interested in.

The BM fits most of our tolerances pretty well. As far as openness, she wants phone calls and emails and video. I don't know how frequent she wants contact to be. She's in NV and we live in GA.

The part I'm nervous about is she is only ~4 months along...not due until late May and the agency has asked for 8 months of BM expenses (including 2 months of post-delivery expenses).  I feel like that's a really long time for her to be able to change her mind and the financial risk to us, if she changes her mind at the last minute could be close to $10 - $15,000. 

What do you think????

Thanks!

Lucy

kgs0505

PersonnaIly, I think 8 months of living expenses is way too much.  I think it's too risky.  If she still wants to adopt in the third-tri after the pg become mores real (i.e. she feels movements and kicks), then I would go for it.  But that is me.  Good luck in whatever you decide.

ColoRxGirl

That's a lot of financial exposure.  I guess the big question is: can you afford to eat those costs and still move forward with another placement if you lose that money?

If not, it sounds like a pretty big risk.

crystalpopcorn

Being matched at 4 months is risky enough, but that financial exposure is pretty huge.  I think the best way to approach potential matches is to imagine the worst case scenario (in this case being out 10-15k with no baby).  Can you live with it?  If so, then go ahead. If not, then you should probably wait.  Good luck in whatever you decide!

Stace26

I would pretty nervous about that one.  Trust your gut...it's usually good at letting you know whether this is the right for you and your family.

CaptainSerious

I'm not adopting domestically, so maybe I'm off-base here, but I am wondering why your consultant is so quick to sign you up with this potential birthmother when you are just starting paperwork.  To me, it raises suspicions that the consultant figured that, since the pregnancy is so early, you might not end up waiting too long once you are approved.  It seems fishy to me that (s)he has no other potential adoptive families ready and waiting to whom she could show this file.

Many reputable agencies don't match birthmothers to families right when they come through the door.  They offer them counseling and services, and then match them when they are further along, to minimize the chance of failed matches.  I know you are working with a consultant and not an agency, but it seems to me that (s)he is trying to make the match as early as possible to lock you both in, and that seems shady to me.

mrsdrkwaver

i agree with all the posters here I am working iwth an agency that does seem to match much before the 3rd tri. I dont knwo if that just the way its working out or if that is policy. this situatiion is why I am glad we are working iwth an agnecy cause i loose nothing if the match fails but owe that money after she signs. all our birthmother expenses are kept track of until the end. I know i would not be comfortable after one failed match already to put out that kind of money in advance. just my thoughts but i am very careful now since loosing one 8 hours before pick up .

PSU-NCBride

I agree with a lot of what has already been said. I'm not sure what facilitator you are working with (we used a very well known one out of GA, so feel free to PM me and I can share our experience) but I would advise you to listen to your gut and not jump at the first case, just because you got one. Within the first month of us being with our facilitator (the first one) we saw 25 cases. Not all of them fit our requirements exactly, but several did. 

One of our big requirements was that the BM be in the 3rd trimester. In addition to the financial and emotional risk, I thought I would go batty waiting that long, knowing we were matching.

There are several ladies on here who have had successful matches early on and also some others who have gotten burned. I think that can happen no matter when you match but the money thing is a big deal.

As for other folks asking about why they would be showing you this case.... I know that with our 2nd facilitator we were the only couple working with them who was even open to a case that wasn't CC. We were also one of their pickiest couples when it came to everything else so there were very exact cases that fit us.

You will know when you find your perfect case.  

CaptainSerious

PSU, that makes sense and I hadn't considered that could be the case.