Rare MIL complaint

heathergirl67

I am very lucky because I get along well with my in-laws.  The only thing my MIL gets crazy about is her grandkids.  Crazy.  For example, she's constantly ignoring BIL & SIL's requests to not give their kids junk food.  She gives them as many sweets as they want.  When BIL & SIL complain to her about it she says that it's rude and disrespectful of them to ask that of her.  That she's the grandma and she's going to spoil them.  It's like she doesn't recognize that the ultimate decision-making goes to the parents of the child.

Anyway, when I was pregnant she was immediately saying how excited she would be to be there in the delivery room with me and helping me through labor and getting to see her grandbaby pop out.  I understand that that's a common wish.  My mom wants the same thing.  But I told them that I wasn't sure if I'd have them there when I delivered.  I only want DH with me.  They were very disappointed and it became their mission to change my mind.  I lost the baby at 10 weeks so their mission was aborted.

Here's the problem:  She's re-upset over it.  For some reason she was talking again about when I get pg and deliver.  DH corrected her saying, "You're not gonna be there.  We told you that last time!"  Now she's devestated about it.  Again.  And I'm not even pregnant.  It's too the point where her whole mood has been affected for days.  The thing is, this is not something that I've spent a lot of time thinking about!  I really was just planning on seeing how I feel once I'm in the 3rd tri and make a plan based off of that.  Who knows?  Maybe by then I'll want to invite the whole neighborhood.  Maybe I'll want to do it alone in a closet.  How am I supposed to know?!  I'm not there yet.  She knows this, so I don't know why she's putting herself through this misery now.

On a side note, we were talking about going team green when I get pregnant again and just doing a baby shower afterwards.  DH said, "Then you could pass the baby around and all the ladies would love it."  I told him maybe, I'm not sure I'd be comfortable having dozens of people hold my newborn because I'd be afraid it would get sick.  MIL said, not joking at all, "If I don't get to see it get born then I get to pass it around at the baby shower!!!!"  Really?  You think that's your decision?  This is just becoming a huge headache already for a hypothetical baby that I'm not even pregnant with yet!  I don't know what I'm going to do when it actually happens.  I'm pretty sure we won't tell anyone until the pregnancy is so obvious that people start speculating that I'm either expecting or I have an enormous tumor in my abdomen.  Just to delay the craziness as long as possible.

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heathergirl67:

I'm pretty sure we won't tell anyone until the pregnancy is so obvious that people start speculating that I'm either expecting or I have an enormous tumor in my abdomen.  Just to delay the craziness as long as possible.

I think this is an excellent idea.  Also, I would seriously consider not calling her until the hypothetical baby is already born (or at least very close to it).  That will probably piss her off to no end, but I would not want to know that someone that meddlesome was even in the hospital while I was in labor for fear that she'd come barging in.  Good luck dealing with Grandmazilla!

ReiszsPieces

Oh dear.  Sorry about all of the unneccessary stress.

Scout05

Wow, she is being really immature about this whole thing. You get to be a grandma for the baby's whole life, you do not need to be there for the delivery if the parents don't want yout there.

And if someone fed my kids stuff I didn't want them to, even after I asked nicely, I would be pissed.

I see this kind of story around the Bump a lot - I think these mothers are having a hard time with the reality that their time to be a mommy is done, and that the attention is now on their children to be the parents.

And no, she does not get to pass the baby around at a shower (I'm with you, I would never let my newborn be held by a bunch of people. I am hardly going to let my DH hold our baby. It's like, DO YOU KNOW WHAT I WENT THROUGH TO HAVE THAT CHILD? HANDS OFF UNTIL HE/SHE IS 18!)

This will be YOUR baby, not hers. She is going to have to come to grips with that reality.

sydney0928

Jeez. Lady needs to butt out a little! I would be telling my DH to deal with her. Don't worry about it, she'll live. Remind her that she'll be lucky to get to even see her grandkids, and that all this craziness is putting a damper on your relationship with her, and making you less likely to want her involved at all. That should do it.

 PS- this sounds just like my own mother. I feel your pain.

Meghan1017

heathergirl67:

  I'm pretty sure we won't tell anyone until the pregnancy is so obvious that people start speculating that I'm either expecting or I have an enormous tumor in my abdomen.  Just to delay the craziness as long as possible.

I agree.  I was just saying at work last night that when I get pregnant again, I won't be telling anyone until I'm crowning. 

I know my MIL will probably want to be in the delivery room when we have our baby...I'm pretty sure her daughter won't be having kids, which kind of ups the pressure on me.  This last time we said that it was something we'd address when it actually comes time to deliver, see how the labor is going and then make a decision, and both of our mom's seemd (grudgingly) okay with this.  Ultimately I know it'll just be me and DH, but at least this way it avoids an awkward conversation, and in the end we can just chalk it up to "not being up for an audience as I push a watermelon out of my nostril".

denise_m

That was how my MIL was when I was pregnant with dd.  Before that she was great.  Since then, it's only gotten worse  

CAB'smommy

My MIL was so mad that I didn't let her in the delivery room, that she didn't even come down with my FIL.  He was sitting in the waiting room, but she drove down (3 hrs. away) later that night.  I was so ticked!!!  Only my mom and DH were allowed in.  The second delivery I let who ever wanted to come in there.  So my mom, MIL and SIL were all there.  I didn't really care.  I had lost all modesty.  And by that time I had been to deliveries and realized how special it is to watch.  No one is staring at your hoo ha, they are all focused on the baby.  I still get teary going to deliveries at the hospital I work at, and they are total strangers.  Don't let anyone pressure you when this hypothetical baby does come.  It's your delivery!

Mrs.Kristen

hah this sounds familiar. I can tell you from my standpoint having one surviving child and going through the arguing about me not wanting anyone there. MIL and my own mom wanted to be there. MIL lives in germany  but we did let her know ahead of time that we knew she was coming to see the baby and could be at the hospital but we didn't want her in the room. My mom understood my stance and stopped pushing. something for anyone to keep in mind when their parents are pushing when you get pregnant...you can tell the nurse to tell them that no one is allowed in the room...that's what we had our nurse do. I ended up with an emergency c section with DS so they wouldn't have been able to go in but when I did start having contractions the nurses were instructed to have everyone leave.

 I know a lot of people once you get to that point just don't care but I also didn't want my MIL knowing what my ho ha looks like so I just made it clear before i started not caring what my intentions were. It is true though at some point or another you really don't care if there are 599 people in the room.

OCIrishBruin

sydney0928:

I would be telling my DH to deal with her.

This.  I would not want to fight this battle with my MIL - that's your DH's job.

I'm sorry you are dealing with this.  I would be pissed if this happened to me right now.  I mean, can she at least give it a rest until you are blissfully past your first trimester? 

JuJuBe3

My ILs are the same with the junk food, and the whole 'there's no rules at Grandma's house' bullsh!t.  The things I have witnessed with my nieces and nephew make me not want to ever let them watch my future children.

We are moving out of state in T minus 19 months and all I can say is, they better not follow us.

KelzinBoston

Oh my, my MIL is EXACTLY like this, I'm so sorry.  She pulled all the same stuff with the delivery and has been a nightmare since he's been born.  Luckily our hospital had very strict policies about people in the room and when visitors could come...it made it easy to make excuses!  I really hope she gets better about everything.

I think it's good that your DH seems to be handling the situation.  That's how it should be!  Make him deal with the crazy and back up your choices and decisions.  Don't let her dictate anything...this pregnancy will be YOURS (and DH's) and so will the delivery and the baby.  

ColindaP

Yowza, what a freakin' psycho!

klk2klb

Oooh, that is a tough one.  Here's the deal.  It's your body, your baby, your choice.  Shame on her for putting you through this when you've gone through your loss and aren't even pg yet.  I can understand her wanting to be there but it seems she has no respect for parents' decisions.  When you're ready, make your decision and stick to it.  In the meantime, have DH deal with it.

LMichelleG

Holy smokes!! Way to give you a headache when, at the moment, there is no need for one. I would no longer engage her in these conversations. If the topic comes up, change the subject. It's silly to make you plan something that isn't even on the table at the moment. I would let her say what she wants to say and think what she wants to think and if/when the time comes you can lay down the law then. No sense in stressing yourself out over it now.

heathergirl67

Thanks for the advice, everyone!  I think I am going to just let her pout, not bring it up, and change the subject if it comes up.  And I was serious about not telling anyone until I'm very obviously showing.  Once the baby is born it no longer belongs to just you.  It's part of a family, extended family, and the world.  I would like as many months during my pregnancy for my baby to be just me and DH's.  Selfish?  Perhaps.  But I won't lose any sleep over it.