Depression.and My Story (long but I had to get everything off my chest)

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This will be long. I've tried to break it down as best I could. 

THE BEGINNING

I havent been posting much recently, as some of you have probably noticed. I mentioned before that I have a mood disorder, but these past few weeks have been really hard on me. I decided today that it has gotten so bad that I needed to just talk about it.

I -do- see a therapist weekly, but my doctor pulled me off my medications back at the end of July for hormonal issues. When I found out I was expecting he said that he would rather me not be on anything until at least the second trimester, and he would have to talk to someone at the clinic I go to for my pregnancy to see if they thought it was safe for me to be on anything, as well. Honestly, I'm not comfortable with the idea of being on anything while I'm pregnant because most medications for what I have are well known to cause birth defects, or are category C and nothing is really known about the effects.

Honestly, though, I think the medication is only part of the current problem. So many things have been happening recently. I conceived back in the very beginning of August, when the condom broke. We were definitly not planning on trying anytime soon. I had miscarried in mid-June, that pregnancy was not planned either. Even so, I had been ready to do everything possible to make sure that I could take care of my child. (Yes, it was with the same guy, my fiance, who I am still with and has stuck by me through everything) But like I was saying, I conceived in the beginning of August. I was still nineteen, but I didnt find out until September, when I was already 20.

TELLING MY MOM

There had been a lot of drama in each of our families over the past year, and his mother (he just turned 21) had been threatening to kick him out for months, and I had been told that if I got pregnant I couldnt continue to live at my grandparents' house. So we decided not to tell anyone in the families except for the people on my mom's side, since she doesnt speak to anyone on my father's side, where I live. My mother has been VERY supportive of whatever I chose to do. She did at first keep pushing me to consider abortion, but I disagree very VERY strongly with that whole concept.

She helped me find a church-run free clinic (about an hour and a half away) that I've been going to since October. A few things they did at my last appointment kind of ticked me off (at my ultrasound, the technician told me that she wasnt sure, but there was a possibility that something could be wrong with the baby's heart, and she wanted me to come back for an anatomy scan. Then at my appointment the next week the midwife said that unless they could tell something was wrong from the outside, they wouldnt pay for the anatomy scan, and they could do that because I was uninsured) but aside from that, so far everything has been good with them. I think I just got a crappy midwife, and I hope when I go back (about a week and a half) I get the other one.

TELLING HIS MOM

 Anyway, eventually at the end of November (the Sunday before Thanksgiving) we told Josh's mom. She was extremely angry. Since she found out she has not spoken to me once, except a few comments on Facebook, that really dont matter. Nothing in person, and I've seen her twice. She just ignores me. She told us that she would not support any of us, and I've been excluded from the Christmas celebrations. She also had been trying to break Josh and I up, but I think last time he told her it wasnt going to happen, it got through to her. I'm no longer allowed at his house.

She's even been trying to say I planned this pregnancy. I'm sorry, but WHAT? I dont have a job, I dont have a place to live (once the people I live with find out), I have no insurance, Josh and I had a plan that we were going to go to college before we tried to have kids, we were using protection. Does any of that sound like I PLANNED to get pregnant? I dont want to be on welfare, or have to rely on everyone else to take care of me and my family. What person really wants that kind of life?

TELLING MY FAMILY

The next obstacle is going to be telling my grandparents and my father. Yes, I realize that I am 20w3d right now, and I know it's ridiculous that I've waited this long. I really do with I could have gotten that over with already, but I just didnt know what to do. I knew I was going to get kicked out, and until last week, no one was willing to let me stay with them. Then last week, mom and I had a discussion and she told me that I could stay on her couch if I was kicked out, and that I could store some things in her storage shed. So, I started moving things there last Tuesday.

Things that cant go into a storage shed, Josh said he would try to keep in his room at his mom's house. Mainly my old, busted up musical instruments from middle and high school. They arent really worth aynthing, just sentimental value. You cant play the violin anymore at all, the wiring in the guitar is kind of messed up, and it doesnt really work. They were my first instruments (I play more than just thoise, too) That kind of stuff.

I've been going through my stuff for the past week, just trying to get everything packed up. Luckily, a lot of it was already in boxes. I didnt completely unpack when I moved in a few years ago. The plan for telling my family is to get out everything unneccessary, that wouldnt tip anyone off to whats going on as soon as possible. Then, one day, Josh is going to come over and help me get the last of it out, since I cant carry most of it. That same day were going to tell everyone. Havent figured out which order to do that in though.

I'm just really worried that I'm going to run out of time, before everything is in order. Theyve been making comments since October, and lately I've woken up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, I kept getting nauseaous... I even threw up one night not too long ago. I'm still not showing, so they dont know for sure (I'm pretty heavy.) but they asked me if I was pregnant at least 3 times last week. I really dont want to be kicked out before Christmas, it's my favorite holiday, because its the one where I'm guaranteed to see all my cousins, and my step brother and his family. I just want at least one more memory like that, before I'm told to get out.

 THE FUTURE

As for the future, I do have a plan. I know it's going to be hard for me to find a job right now, but I'm not willing to give up. I'm going to look into working from home or online, and those kinds of things, as well as "regular" jobs. Josh is also looking for a new job. He recently lost his job due to a family emergency where he had to go out of town for a week. He is also trying to get into shape so he can go into the military, which he has wanted to do all his life. Neither of us can drive yet (no one has ever been willing to teach either of us and in Maryland you have to have a certain amount of time behind the wheel, outside of class) but we looked into the bus routes and he started applying on Tuesday. I have to use my mom's computer for job applications, because mine is so old it cant actually run the programs the companies use for online applications.

Once I know where I'm going to being staying, I'm going to get my ID switched over to that address, and try to get on medical assistance and WIC. Like I said before, I do not want to have to stay on those programs, but there is no way I'd be able to get regular health insurance right now, and I need prenatal care for this baby. The clinic can cover most things, but theyre being insane about the anatomy scan, and they cant cover delivery.

We talked to my mom, and she is so set on me going to college that she even said that she would babysit for free while we were working or in school. She and my therapist agreed that I need to look into student loans so that I dont have to pay right away, but pay it back over time so that we can afford everything. 

We're also looking into apartments so we can live together when the baby gets here. My mom already said that after the baby is born she wants me to stay at her house for a couple weeks, so I can get on my feet. I hope that offer extends to Josh as well, because he needs to know how to do things too. I mean, I already know how to hold a baby, or feed one, or change diapers. I used to babysit an infant. He is completely clueless. Mom mainly wants me with her because she's worried that my mood disorder could cause postpartum depression, and she wants to make sure I'm okay.

As for that other question... the wedding. Well, it's definitley still on. I remember I posted that it might be over a few weeks ago, but Josh and I have worked our issues out and were doing pretty good. We're still not sure when exactly the wedding will be, but we do know its still happening.

I jalways wanted to be a SAHM when I had kids, but right now, it just can't happen. I plan on spending every minute I get with my baby, but I'm going to have to work, at least for a while, before things will be secure enough for me to stop working. I just hope I can find a way to work from home, that way I can always be there when I need to be.

Anyway... yeah... I know this was long, and I'm sorry. I cheered up writing the end, about the future, because I know that if I work hard enough I can do it, and one day, hopefully very soon, I wont need to rely on others for help. Hopefully, I'll be able to start helping others again, like I love to do, and have been doing since high school.

TeenyLilac

I'm sorry you're going through all of this.  I hope that you're able to find some people around you who can be supportive through all of this. 

Kelanne

I'm so sorry you are going through so much stress.  Please try to stay positive.  It will work out.

Congrats on your baby :-)

BriAZ

It seems like you were able to get a lot off your chest. I'm glad you and DF were able to work through things and have everything work out.

You seem to have a plan and are starting to get everything in order for your LO - which is really good. When you are looking for apartments you can see if the government offers low income housing. They offer it here for single moms with kids. If you apply before you get married then youre technically single! They are less expensive apartments that might help you in the begining with all the other expenses.

 

BriAZ

Try looking into this website for the low income housing https://www.mdhousing.org/Website/programs/rap/Default.aspx

I just googled Maryland low income housing and a bunch of things came up!