Upstate NY Babies

Family Vent (long)

I have no one else to whine to about this except for DH and he's not that into listening about this....

back story-my parents were married 28yrs before they got divorced. Basically my Dad cheated on my Mom a few times-honestly she should have left him years ago but anyways....this was 6 years ago (a few mos before I met DH) and I resented my Dad a lot for it. He very quickly started dating the last woman he cheated on my Mom with. He wanted me to meet her and I refused. To me she was a homewrecker and I wanted nothing to do with her. Dad and I (and DH) met for lunch one day and he brought her without asking me, forcing me to meet her-I was pissed but went along with it. Anyways, they live together and have been for probably 5yrs now-we see her pretty much whenever we see my Dad. I'm nice to her and all just because.

Well, today my Dad calls and we're chatting-he tells me he started xmas shopping and that he bought said girlfriend an engagement ring! I'm the only person who knows and he doesn't plan on telling anyone else. I didnt act happy or mad towards him. I got off the phone with him and DD was refusing to nap so I went up and rocked her in her chair and cried a good 10min. I should be happy for him that he's happy but theres just a part of me that thinks he doesnt deserve to be happy. Here's my Mom-6yrs later and single-never has dated since my Dad left. She's the one who deserves to be happy (and she claims she is) and it sucks. I never pictured my family to be like this-I thought they'd be together forever and we'd be one happy just really sucks it didn't turn out that way and it makes things just so complicated (as does every divorce). I have no idea how I'll deal with their wedding-no idea.  Sorry this is long and probably like so many other people out there but I'm just bummed about it today-life just sucks sometimes.

Re: Family Vent (long)

  • Oh...and how do I tell my mother this news? Oy!
  • Oh, what a tough spot :( My Dad did the same thing- immediately moved in with someone he was "seeing" while my parents were divorcing, she was God awful. It's tough to put on a good face.

    Right now my dad is with a new gf and she's the most God awful skank I have ever met. We used to talk every day. Now I'm lucky if I get 5 mins a week on the phone with him. I can NOT even imagine if he wanted to propose... You need a good long cry

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  • I'm sorry you are dealing with this. I've never been through this myself...but I wouldn't feel bad about not being happy for him. He seemed to go out of his way to find his own happiness at the expense of other people - mainly your family.

    The only thing you and your DH can do is look at his example and choose to NOT create that type of situation for your LO. Sometimes divorce can't be helped..but cheating can ALWAYS be avoided. To me, it's so disgusting that I would find it hard to have a relationship with him at all!!  But again, I'm not in your situation so it's basically an "easy for you to say" sort of thing.

    I guess my point is that you have every right to NOT be all happy about this. You're a good daughter to your mom for it...she deserves someone to think about her feelings too. 

  • I am sorry I don't have any good advice for you, but I just wanted to say I'm really sorry and I don't think you owe anything to your dad. Part of the reason for attending a wedding is because you support the couple and you are there as a witness for their marriage. That being said I don't think you should feel obligated to go. Your dad made his choice back when he decided to see this other woman. Selfishly, it was a choice that hurt you and your mom. Sure, you can be cordial to them if you see them, but you have every right to feel upset and angry towards him. Divorce is really sucky. I am so sorry once again. :(
  • We went through a very simliar situation in my family about 13 years ago.  It took me until 9/11 to really rebuild a relationship with my Dad.  It has taken me until just the last few years to build a relationship with his wife.  I got to a point where I knew I had no control over the situation and it was best to make it better than to hold the resentment forever.  Actually, things now are really good...but again, it took me quite some time to get to that point.  They do however live about 4 hours away, so I am not dealing with it constantly.  My Dad comes up often, but we only see her occasionally.  I am now able to talk with her on the phone and not have a pit in my stomach.  It is never easy, but I figure that I tried to make the best out of a situation that was not going to change.  My parents were married 1 month short of 25 years.  My Mom also claims to be happier and I truly believe that, but I still think that she holds a deep resentment against my father.  They were able to be in the church and our house yesterday in a somewhat cordial manner.  Please feel free to page me if you want to talk further, as I have been there. 
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