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Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss
I truely do not understand it
I read all the time about people being offended that someone would dare suggested that *maybe* there was something wrong with the baby and that was a reason for a miscarriage. What I don't get is why is this offensive? Doesn't everything you read about miscarriage suggest that often times there is a problem with developement since organs are forming in the 1st tri and if there is a significant problem it will lead to miscarriage?
I actually felt worse to find out that I lost my baby from an infection I aquired early on. I was much more accepting of the crappy hand we were delt when I believed something just went wrong with it's development, because nature isn't perfect sometimes.
Am I just not able to see this from a perspective other than a biology major? I really truely don't understand.
Brenna
Married 4.30.05
Mom to Teagan 4.11.07 and Cora 9.30.11
D&E @ 22w 9.30.09 CMV infection BFP 10.15.10 C/P 4w4d
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Re: I truely do not understand it
It's not the reality of it that is offensive, it's that someone would offer that as a word of comfort. As in, there was something wrong with the baby so this is for the best. Why are you even sad?
I know why I lost my babies; there were severe genetic problems incompatable with life. I even know, through the grief, that there was no way they could have survived and that this was "for the best" from a biological stand point.
But my heart is broken. I don't care "why" it happened, I want it to not have happened at all.
That's why this comment upsets me. I feel it belittles the enormity of what has happened and my pain in experiencing it.
It isn't so much that they say maybe something was wrong with the baby. It is that they act like you should be happy to have m/c because after all the baby had something wrong with it. Not knowing why just that something is wrong is hard for me. I would have liked to have some answers.
Sorry for your loss.
When we found out that we would probably miscarry, we had a few people say something along the lines of, "Something must've been wrong with the baby; At least you won't have to worry about having a baby with a genetic syndrome; etc". What bothered me about those comments is that it comes across (to me at least, I can't speak for anyone else) like, "Hey, you really dodged a bullet there! Now you can have a "normal" baby."
It hurt me because whatever was wrong with my baby, this was still my baby, and I loved her from the moment that second line showed up. Perfect or flawed, I'm still grieving over the little girl I'll never get to take to dance classes, I won't get to see her first day of school, her graduation. I won't be able to teach her that you never brush curls like ours, you just rub some product in and let it air dry. I had so many plans and hopes for her, and I won't even get to see her or hold her.
The other thing that bothers me about those comments is, again, the implication that I'm "lucky" I won't be having an imperfect child. Whatever was wrong with my child, I would've loved her just as much. Nothing could change the way I feel about her.
I'm a nurse, I know nature isn't perfect, I know everything that can go wrong, and I know the realities that a disabled child would face in life, I'm not naive to that. I guess it just hurts because people think that something "wrong" means my baby wouldn't have been good enough.
BFP #2 4/13/10. Bridget born 12/28/10
BFP #3 Finn born 8/11/15
[url=http://www.thebump.com/?utm_source=ticker&utm_medium=UBB&utm_campaign=tickers][img]http://global.thebump.com/tickers/tt1cb8c4.aspx[/img][/url]
Ok, I can see it being taken like you should be happy about it. I guess I felt like it was a comforting thought because to me it means don't feel guilty you did something wrong or that it was any way within your control.
Shall923- I'm sorry you don't have answers, I know that's something we all want.
Mom to Teagan 4.11.07 and Cora 9.30.11
D&E @ 22w 9.30.09 CMV infection BFP 10.15.10 C/P 4w4d
Ditto this. I am not stupid. I know something was wrong with my baby, but that doesn't make the situation less terrible. I don't get why people would think it would be okay to say that.
Even if it wasn't an infection or something I ate, either my egg or DH's sperm or something my body did, screwed the whole thing up and it is still my fault even if I couldn't control it.
It is offensive because what if there wasn't something wrong with the baby? Who cares if there was something wrong with the baby? It was still my baby. Defect or not, I loved all of my babies. It is also something that is completely unhelpful. *I* know that there was probably something wrong. I do not need *you* to tell me that.
People say that things always happen for a reason, which I cannot stand. I, too, believe that, but it is something that *I* need to come to terms with. When I am ready to see what that reason is, then I will accept that. Until then, it is inappropriate and unhelpful to me for someone else to tell me that.
It is insensitive and unhelpful for people to put their two cents in at all. They should say "I'm sorry" and leave it at that. That is the only really appropriate way to handle a situation like this because you cannot offend someone by saying that.