Need advice now! Concerned about young SD
ambrvan
member
My 3 year old SD is concerning me.
FI has been fighting since her birth to gain full custody. But nothing had ever led to anything. Child Services has never done their job. BM has a friend who works in Child Services, and anytime he reports something, that friend always alerts BM and schedules the check up visit for two weeks later (giving BM time to clean up her exceedingly filthy home or move). FI and BM currently have joint custody with no child support payments, and SD spends a week at our house and then a week at BM's. SD has lots of health issues on the winter, she always gets strep and bronchitis, and she is supposed to be on medicine throughout the winter. SD always gets better the week she is with us, and by the time she comes back from BM, she is so sick again she can hardly breathe. There has NEVER been a week that she hasn't come back to us without a scratch, bite, bruise, rash, or something else. And her teachers at daycare have said she doesn't get them there (occasionally she gets scratch or a bruise, but not like the ones she gets at BM's). And she always stinks when she comes to us, and she's filthy like she hasn't had a bath in days. We don't even send her back to BM's in good clothes because we know that if we ever see them again, they're filthy beyond all hope of getting them clean again. SD always smells like smoke and cat litter when she comes back from BM's.
But it's SD's older brother and sister that are starting to worry me the most now (they are between 7 and 9 years old now). In the past whenever I give SD a bath and notice her raw or painful "down there" I've asked her very open-ended questions about why it's red and why it hurts. I don't want her to answer me a certain way because I accidentally put the idea in her head. She always says her brother and/or sister did it. When I ask her what they did, she says something like, "They play with it."
SD came back to us on Thanksgiving. Friday morning, I gave her a bath and noticed that someone had drawn all over her with a pink marker. She was covered all over her chest and back (where she cannot reach), and whoever did it drew a circle around one of her nipples. I find that deliberate mark very inappropriate. Nothing any farther down than her waste, though. I asked her who drew on her, and she said her sister did it.
Tonight, I got onto SD for poking at our dog's privates. I said, "You can't play with anyone else's privates, just like no one can play with yours. No one touches you down there unless it's me or mommy or nana giving you a bath, so you don't touch the dog there either." Her shocking response was, "Yes, they do touch me." I asked her who touched what, and she said, "Bubba and Sissy play with my booty and my noo-noo (that's what we call them)." I asked her how they played with them and she said they kissed, poked, and pulled them.
This naturally makes me very nervous. FI, myself, and his entire family have been concerned for a while that her brother was exhibiting some troublesome and possibly dangerous behavior. And her sister is not far behind him. But molesting my SD?
It's hard to get a straight and reliable answer from a 3 yr old. How am I supposed to distinguish fact from fiction? She blames everything on her brother and sister, as many siblings do. Should I go with my instinct? I will talk to FI tonight when he comes home from work, but if no one else takes it into their hands, should I? He knows BM and her kids better than me. He knows SD's living situation better than me. I don't want anyone to think I'm just trying to play mom or take over or stir up trouble. But at the same time, I don't want to find out later that she has been hurt and I ignored it. Am I supposed to wait until something worse happens? I'd rather prevent it than sit back and wait for something concrete.
Re: Need advice now! Concerned about young SD
I would contact Child Services and have them come to your house. Forget sending them there.
When does your SD go back to her mother's?
Have you spoken to your lawyer about an emergency order? Have you taken her to a doctor to be checked out?
I'd do both of those and honestly, I don't understand why your husband is leaving all this on you.
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If she doesn't go back until Thurs, I would call tomorrow morning and ask that an emergency worker come out and file a report.
I would also encourage your DH to make a doctor's appointment for her on Monday(or as soon as possible), to ensure that she is alright physically.
Talk to your DH, find out how he is feeling. It is possible that he is feeling helpless or guilty in this situation. Let him know that his child needs him.
Are the older children in BM's household any relation to SD or is SD your DH's only child with BM?
The kind of play that your SD has communicated sounds like it has gone far beyond ordinary childhood exploration. Some of the activities (such as the kissing of the genitals) seem as if the older children have been exposed to adult sexual activity, perhaps even viewing pornography. The older children may also have been sexually abused at some point and that is why they are acting out in this fashion.
I would act immediately to have your SD physically evaluated for abuse. I would contact DH's child custody attorney and meet tomorrow to discuss your options.
Neither BM or my FI have an attorney at all. They never have. However, BM's parents would pay for her to get a top attorney if we ever made an legal moves. We cannot afford even the cheapest of attorneys.
That has been one of his biggest obstacles in trying to gain complete custody. Everyone we talk to has told us to get an attorney. No on will advise us or help us figure out how to do any of this. The public state agencies just keep telling us to "get an attorney." It's like no one cares at all. Isn't it supposed to be their job to care about these children?
And no, the other children do not belong to my FI. Little SD is the only child he has with BM.
Legally, we just don't know what to do. And FI worries that if we fail at first, he'll lose his daughter forever or have his visitation rights cut down. For three years they have switched off every other week. It would kill him to have to go down to every other weekend, or worse, not at all. All he wants is what's best for her. He loves her so much and is such a wonderful father. But he's terrified of losing what he has with her and risking her being placed completely in BM's hands.
You all sound like whiney little twats.
I mean seriously, this little girl is being abused and worse while you twiddle your thumbs and do fuuking nothing. WHY HAVE YOU NOT TAKEN THIS CHILD TO A FUUKING DOCTOR? Why have you not called lawyers, legal aid, everyone and anyone until you get an answer?
So what her parents would pay for a lawyer?? If the child is being molested and mistreated, all the money in the world will not save their happy asses.
But even if it would, you haven't even fuuking tried. Wake the fuuk up and do something before it's too late for this kid.
If he loved her so much, he'd put on his big boy panties and get shiit done instead of leaving his wife to cry, wring her hands and not do a damned thing either.
I don't know how to get a lawyer. What the hell does this fuuking mean anyway?? Have you even tried?? Called and saw if they'd do a payment plan? Even made an appointment for legal advice? Sounds to me like you've whined and moaned and dismissed it as being too much money even though everyone and their mother is telling your lazy asses to GET A GODDAMNED LAWYER!
Shiit. If your husband doesn't do something, they will take this kid from all of you. And it would be just what all your asses deserves.
So quit your biitching and get shiit done.
If you can't get an appointment on Monday morning, take her to the emergency room. First thing Monday morning, you crack open a fuuking phone book and you call social services. You describe all this in great detail and when you get off the phone with them, you call every family law lawyer listed in that biitch and you tell them the story.
GET IT DONE.
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I seriously have to 2nd Hind...
I wouldn't be letting my child (bio or not) return to a home where I KNOW she is being molested. DSS needs to be called ASAP. She needs to be taken to a Dr. ASAP. Measures should have and need to be taken immediately!!
Money should NOT be an issue here - if worse comes to worse, you apply for a loan or a line of credit or get a credit card or whatever you have to do to pay for an attorney and get it handled the RIGHT way, right away.
By waiting or questioning what you should do, or saying you don't have the money is only hurting this little girl even more. Meanwhile, no one is fighting for her and in a way, it almost sounds like you're giving up on this situation by saying you don't have the money for a good attorney so you can't help her. So what if BM gets an attorney - who cares if they're "the best?" If you don't help this girl (or rather your DH), no one will. You need to figure out a way to do it and do it NOW.
Why has your DH not totally flipped his lid?? He's concerned? He's had suspicions? It sounds like those concerns and suspicions have MORE than been confirmed. If that was my DH and he was in your DH's shoes with his kids, he'd be effing livid and would be taking action SO fast, everyone's heads would be spinning.
We don't have the money to shell out to attorneys either, but there have been a few situations with our BM and DH's sons where we've just had to pony up and put it on a credit card and work on paying it off, because that's what needed to be done. In your case, it shouldn't even be a thought - you should go to any length, any amount of money to make sure your children are protected and not subjected to the horrific situation this little girl is apparently living in.
I wish you all the best of luck and hope she gets the help she deserves before it's too late.
How to find a lawyer: On Monday morning, call your county Bar Association and get their Lawyer Referral Line. They will be able to give you the names of 3 lawyers who specialize in Family Law. Call those lawyers and make appointments. Consultations are usually free or for a very minimal charge. Bring in every thing you have and ask them how you should proceed to build the best case against BM. Even if the older children are not being abused, the children are left unsupervised long enough to do inappropriate things with your SD.
If you are unsatisfied with the three lawyers from the Referral line, then call your SD's day care and ask them if they know of a lawyer who handles family law cases. Don't say abuse, because you don't want to tip your hand -- but you will likely want to get statements from them as to their observations of your SD's condition over the years.
If you want to make this the best Christmas ever, don't give a single gift and put your $$ towards a lawyer who will fight like the devil to see that your SD is safe.
No. It is your job to care about these children.
A 3 year old doesn't get it in her head to make up stories about being molested.
A 7-9 year old doesn't just get the notion to play with their baby sister's private parts.
These kids are or have been molested by an adult.
GET HELP NOW.
Take her to a police station and have her tell a police officer.
The ladies have already covered this, but i'm just going to ditto them
1) Take your SD to a doctor ASAP
2) Call CPS and the police and file a report immedeately
3) GO SEE A LAWYER. Money is not an excuse not to act. Many lawyers will do a free initial consultation and you can find out about payment options. As others have said, take out a line of credit if you have to. Your lawyer should tell you how to go about filing for emergency custody
4) Bottom line do not send her back to an abusive home. You have to get the ball rolling on this. This little girl needs someone to step up and protect her.
your profile says you're in tennessee. here is a link to TN legal aid. at the very least you can look for a lawyer here. legal aid is there to help people who cannot afford a lawyer.
https://www.tennlegalaid.com/LegalSvcs/
second you need to call the police and report this. if you don't think CPS is acting properly you need to go every other route you can think of. i for one would be taking my SD to the doctor as well as the police today. they will have to report what is happening to the authorities, and it will probably be harder to ignore documented evidence from those sources, as opposed to your word. get to the dr and police station today, then tomorrow call legal aid. also call every good lawyer in your area for a consultation. if you're worried about the BM getting a better lawyer then you need to get to them first. ask for a free consultation. once they've consulted w/you it would be a conflict of interest for them to see the BM, which makes it harder for her.
in this case there is NO way you can worry about finances, etc. your SD is being abused. bottom line. your FI can't just say he's worried about losing her. b/c if this abuse continues he may indeed lose her, but in a much more tragic fashion. YOU have to be her advocate NOW. no matter what it costs. financially or otherwise.
This. Those are all ground in most states to get an emergency temporary change of custody while things are investigated.
You sound like you are full of excuses of how not to help this little girl. If you and your FI do nothing then you could and probably will be charged with Child Endangerment and he WILL LOSE his DD. I know this because my DS spent 3 months in foster care because the spermdonor shook my DS. I was "supposed" to know this was going to happen. They cleared me because I obviously did not know.
You need to get her to a DR/ER/Urgentcare immidiatley. They are mandated reporters.
If anyone was doing that to my 3yo DD, my DH would be all over that.
So, what are you going to do? Have you and your FI made a plan? Because it needs to go into effect NOW.
My heart is breaking for your SD, because every adult in her life has failed her up until this point. The first time she said something about someone touching her inappropriately, or you saw something while bathing her, you should have been actively pursuing gaining full custody, and at the very least gained temporary custody until all could be figured out.
And may I add, this is a really really clear reason why children should be taught from day one, the proper names for their genitalia. She may have said to a daycare provider that her sister brother touches her noo-noo (wtf?), and they could have thought she meant her nose, or her toes. If she said that her brother touches her vagina, I can promise you there would have been no delaying action on the part of the proper authorities.
I also want to add that this not being able to afford a lawyer is total BS. TOTAL BS. There are a LOT of free services out there, which you could have found with a simple google search. Not to mention you think your SD is being abused, you don't think you could have found the money somewhere to get a lawyer? I would sell my kidney or my jewelry, every TV, computer, DVD player, piece of extra furniture, blood, plasma, whatever that I could to scrape together the money needed for a lawyer. How can you even use that as an excuse?
If a stray child wondered in off the street and told me HALF of what you SD has told you I would be on my way to the hospital and have the police meet me there.
Through your entire OP I just keep screaming in my head 'go to the hospital, go to the hospital', didn't it cross your mind at all???
I would be screaming from every roof top.
Report her friend in CS. Go to his? supervisor. But that's the least of it. Take the child to the cops and to a doctor. Fight for this child. Go to your lawyer. Do everything you can do.
And yes... go with your instincts. She may be 3 and the things she says could be misconstrued, but from what you are saying....I think it's clear she's a little girl in serious trouble. Get her the help she needs.
Good luck. Let us know how things go.
Thank you to the few people here who did try to offer some advise. We have talked to every Family Law firm in our area. We have been to consultation after consultation. Everyone is telling us the same thing. We don't have enough to go on. The doctor found nothing. Social services said they need to do some "checking around" to determine if there really is any reason to interview "SD." Right now, it's just our word against BM. Social Services says there is no reason for SD not to return to BM's at the end of the week according to scheduled visitation.
To the rest of you who could only offer "You're sick and full of excuses. I'm so sorry for your SD," try doing something constructive next time someone asks for help instead of bashing the one trying to doing something about it.