The stress is killing me :( (long pity party)

anangelbug · November 2009

I'm not even doing a full blown IVF but I am so anxious and nerve wracked, my mind is obsessed with this IF and this natural cyle. As some of you already know, I am terrified of the retrieval (actually not afraid of pain, afraid of being put under, can't explain it, fear grips me and takes hold).

I went in for an ultrasound and have a 6 and a 14mm folicle, after the doc reviewed this, he had the nurse call me and tell me that I do have to come in again tomorrow, Thanksgiving morning, for another ultrasound to keep a close eye on the 14mm follice. There is a chance I could trigger on Friday and retrieval on Sunday, but not sure yet, she was guessing.

But my point here is that the obsession over it all is killing me, I find I can't focus or think of ANYTHING ELSE. Can't focus at work, tonight while making cornbread for the stuffing, I put the pan in the microwave instead of the oven, I forgot to cover the butter when melting in the micro and it exploded everywhere. Then I was mixing the cheesecake crust and DH was like, hmmmm how is that gonna work out, I said yeah, I don't know, can you look at the recipie again (mind you I have made this cheesecake numerous times before), turns out I was supposed to mix the graham crackers and sugar with MELTED butter, not cold, hard butter! aye aye aye And when people talk to me I'm like huh...what did you say. I keep waking up at 4 and 5 am with mind racing about IF, heart palpitations etc etc etc... I don't know that anxiety ridden peeps like me are cut out for this crazy ride

It doesn't help that I am terrified of meds and this will be our first Thanksgiving without DH's granny and my mom. Last Dec. I lost one grandma, then in May DH's granny passed, 4 days later my mom, at the age of 59 died after battling cancer and two weeks later, her mom, my last grandma died...think I am feeling down. I LOVE the holiday's so much but these, this year, will be tough.

Sorry, I will stop b!tching now, thanks for listening (other than DH, I don't really have anyone else to vent like this to), and on a happier note, Happy Thanksgiving to you all. Lot's of prayers and baby dust to everyone.

Congrats to all of those successfull retrievals and BFP's!

MichelleL1118 · November 2009

I'm so sorry that you're feeling so stressed about the IVF, and especially that it's happening in the first holiday season without so many of your loved ones. I hope that venting has made you feel a little bit better. Smile

anangelbug · November 2009

MichelleL1118:
I'm so sorry that you're feeling so stressed about the IVF, and especially that it's happening in the first holiday season without so many of your loved ones. I hope that venting has made you feel a little bit better.

Thank you. So far the venting seems to have just brought out the tears (as did the moment of silence post). Think it's time for a shower so the tears will blend with the water drops and DH and niece won't know any different.

thebeadinglady · November 2009

If it makes you feel any better, I get the anxiety stuff. i wake up in the middle of the night sweating from the clomid and then I start thinking about all the drugs I am on and everything that could go wrong. But I just try and breath and calm down and remember all the hell we put ourselves through is worth it in the end if we get a healthy little baby in our arms. i hope that helps. I am so sorry you are having a hard time.

newsbaby · November 2009

I teared up a little reading your post because I can so relate. I wake up every night in the middle of the night in cold sweats and for that one second I am up, I am thinking of IF. It effects my every thought and action, and it is my total life. Prior to all of this, I also had severe anxiety issues.

Just wanted to let you know that you are not alone....we will all get through this somehow one day.

AimeeL85 · November 2009

I know what you mean about being obsessed and thinking about nothing else, 24/7...I am the same way, and we haven't even begun our cycle yet.

And just so you don't think you're crazy, I am the same exact way about being put under...it is the only thing I am absolutely terrified about, I actually cry when I think about it...DH thinks I'm nuts. I guess it's just because I've never experienced that before.

Hopefully your appointment will be quick tomorrow and you can enjoy your Thanksgiving!

QE2 · November 2009

Angelbug, you are not alone in how you feel. As many of the other girls have said, we are here for you, and we understand. You have been through a lot this past year. Suffering through one traumatic event after the other, without time to cope in between, definitely takes its toll on you.

Over the past few years, I have lost my father, sister, a baby, dealt with IF and have been diagnosed with a progressive, degenerative disease. Not to mention I got married, moved, and finished grad school all within this time. I thought I was holding myself together pretty well, but after starting therapy at my husbands urging, I realized that my depression was bigger than me.

I too obsess about my IF. It has become my world, and has left no stone unturned. Along with depression, I have developed anxiety and phobias. I've been in counseling for a few months now and have starting to feel a little better. Please know we are here for you. Vent away and feel free to PM me if you want. Hugs to you!

anangelbug · November 2009

Thank you, thank you, thank you, all of you. It is bittersweet to know that I am not alone. Bitter in that it's awful to know others suffer as I do, sweet in that I am not alone and that we have the internet and places like this for complete strangers to connect, bond and support each other through these crazy times, where others can't or don't understand.

(more thank yous later, DH is begging me to come to bed)

patchen30 · November 2009

I am so sorry you're having such a hard time. I really hope things get better for you soon.

Scigrlnyc · November 2009

Give yourself some credit!

You are trying to deal with a VERY difficult situation, over which it feels like you have no control and at the same time have SO MUCH that you have to do. It's completely normal and natural to feel anxious. I find it remarkable and a testament to the strength of women that we can even contemplate doing some of the things we do. IVF is not a trivial thing, and the holidays can be stressful even under the best circumstances.

My RE's nurse said something to me today when I went for my injectables (for IUI) training with her. She started out by saying, "Every woman deserves the chance to be a mother." It's not easy by any means, but we live in a time where there IS hope.

Good Luck!