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Do your parents or in laws think they "OWN" holidays?
Just wondering, b/c I think this concept is stupid. And I think it's especially stupid since we've moved further away from both in the past 6 months [we used to be 10 minutes from in laws/2.5 hours from my parents, now we are 6 hours from in laws and 4 hours from my parents].
Anyway, this year for Thanksgiving, we are headed to Indiana, where both parents are, and we are going to my parents late Tuesday night or first thing Wed morning, eating w/ them Thurs afternoon, and leaving after we eat to go to my in laws some time in the evening, probably around 7 on Thurs and then staying until Sunday afternoon w/ them.
Usually, we have spent the actual day with my in laws and have either seen my parents that weekend or not at all, just depending on plans. For Christmas, we usually spend the day with my parents and extended family. But we never said that the reason was because my parents "owned" Christmas and my in laws "owned" Thanksgiving.
However, I guess that's what my MIL thought, because she has been non-stop complaining about our Thanksgiving plans and I am THISCLOSE to telling her off. First of all, anyone w/ common sense would realize things would change now that we live 6 hours away from them and it makes sense to work our travel plans to visit both when we have holidays off. Second of all, we don't celebrate Christmas day w/ my in laws for 2 reasons - first, they don't do anything b/c no one else comes to visit - it is just them so they go to a friend's house, and second - we are a Catholic family, raising our child Catholic and prefer to attend Catholic mass for Christmas so it makes sense for us to spend a religious holiday w/ my parents instead of my in laws.
So anyway, for the past two weeks my MIL has been complaining about our plans every time MH talks to her - finally today he asked her if she'd prefer we come there Wed evening, and leave immediately after eating on Thursday to got my family's. She is CLEARLY getting more time w/ us but we won't be there for the actual Thanksgiving meal. But of course, that's not good enough because THANKSGIVING IS HERS! And Christmas is my mom's [according to her - my mom is crazy as hell, but not about this]. SHE OWNS THE HOLIDAY! IT WILL ALWAYS BE HERS.
Yeah, no. Next year? We're not traveling for holidays at all. My mom is excited and wants to come visit us instead. My MIL will probably hire an assassin.
Don't you just LOVE the holidays?
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Re: Do your parents or in laws think they "OWN" holidays?
omg, YES. My mother is the worst!!!
We worked out a long time ago that we flip flop b/t families. One year DH's family gets T-day an mine gets Chrismukkah. The next, my family gets T-day and DH's gets Chrismukkah. It was FINE until Ethan was born. Now my mom manipulates the calendar every year so that she gets to celebrate both holidays with us.
This year Hannukah starts on the 11th of December. We'll be celebrating it with my parents before the end of November b/c its their year for T-day, so we have to do T-day AND Hannukah in the same week. So my mom can have her way.
Makes me mental.
LOL, sbdc! I think we both need to start drinking NOW.
I used to say that I never wanted to be pregnant over the holidays; this is why. At least I can drink myself into oblivion.
It just bugs me b/c we always see BOTH for the holiday in some fashion - and freaking grab a clue - we do what works best for our travel and so we can see everyone ESP now. I told MH if she says one word to me about all this when we get there on Thanksgiving, I am saying, "Well we can turn around and leave if this doesn't work for you."
I have got to start being more confrontational b/c this makes me mental and bitter.
Oh bellisimo I hear you on the 2 meals. Because our parents are 2 hours apart, we can make it to both on Thanksgiving. We're planning on eating w/ my parents and family @ 3, and then going to my in laws. Well my MIL serves TWO Thanksgiving dinners EVERY.YEAR. They eat at noon and then have leftovers at 7.
She expects us to be there for the leftovers this year. Regardless of what we do, it seems like that we will end up eating two meals and it's disgusting. I will skip the leftovers, I am sure. GAG ME.
This is our situation too. My parents are divorced, so there are 3 sets of grandparents to appease. Most are pretty good about us splitting the time with the others, but my DH and I are getting fed up. Our families do so much for us and we do love them, but I am tired of shuffling around to make everyone happy b/c we end up miserable. Now that we have DD, it would be nice to start our own traditions too as our little family. I think that our parents have a hard time seeing us as grown-ups and not the little kids during the holidays. I am almost 30 FFS!
DD #2 - 03.13
That's exactly it, meglew.
My mom [who I have plenty of issues with - trust me, our relationship is NOT perfect] treats me like an adult w/ my own family on these things. My MIL acts like we are an extension of her and we are still children.
I just want to say - Look, you had your opportunity to raise your kids and create your own traditions; now it's our turn and I'm not going to continue to appease you for the rest of my life b/c you are MH's mother and you think you own a holiday or we owe it to you. Not happening.
That's what we're doing next year. We'll tell them we'll come visit at some point after the holidays but if they want to see us on the actual holiday, they are more than welcome to come to us.
My MIL will have an absolute shitfit, but I don't care.
I think we might try the come to our house plan too for Christmas, otherwise it is insanity. At Easter this year, DD was still taking 2 naps (14 months old) and this is how our day went:
9:00-11 church w/ the IL's
11-12:30 drive home, nap#1
2-4 drive to my grandparents to see my dad's side of the family
4-5:30 drive home, nap#2 & make dinner for my mom and step-dad
6-8 dinner guests at our house
I just need to suck it up and put my foot down!
DD #2 - 03.13
I like the way you think!
DD #2 - 03.13
Before kids we did what SBDC does with the every other year Thanksgiving/Christmas deal. My parents are a 2 hour drive and my ILs are a 3 hour flight away, so no way to do both. Everyone dealt with it ok. We did two years of that with Kate when she was 7/8 and 18/19 months old, and that was the end of it. We issued the "Christmas ultimatum" as my MIL so endearingly calls it, last year. We are DONE traveling on Christmas. It is at OUR house. We are starting our own traditions as a family.
People are pretty pissy about it on both sides, but I don't care. My MIL is really passive aggressive saying "Well, you'll never be here again....sigh...." but I just ignore it because we are flying with the freaking multitudes for Thanksgiving. My parents are more annoyed that they are only 2 hours away and we don't want them here on "their" year until Christmas mid-day because we want our own Christmas morning. Oh well!
We live 2.5 hours from both sets of parents. MIL has to celebrate the holiday ON THE DAY no matter what anyone's plans are. My parents realize that it can't always be like that. We are lucky if all my siblings get together at some point during the year so holidays aren't really the focus for us. MILs family is together all the time and we are expected at these gatherings monthly so there is 'no reason' for us to miss any holiday.
2 years ago we stayed at a hotel as MIL was hosting C.Eve(her kids/grandkids) and C.Day(her sisters/their kids/plus all of us). I knew if we stayed with ILs we'd be expected to clean up/set up everything from both dinners and I wasn't doing it. I'm all for helping but if I'm not hosting why the heck would I drive 2.5 hours just to do the same amount of work? She had a fit. At first I thought it was bc she'd miss the extra time with us. Then as we were cleaning up C.Eve after DH's brothers and thier families left it came out that she 'didnt' have any help'. Um, it's 11pm and I'm washing dishes so STFU. After that I've said hotel or our house for every Christmas.
Last year I was pg and couldn't travel. We suggested celebrating early as an entire family. Nope. They all celebrated on C.Eve like normal and didn't bother to call us. So it became very obvious that it's important to be together if we travel but not so important if they have to travel. This is our last Christmas Day traveling as DS is so young and it doesn't really matter. Next year he will run down our steps, see his presents under his tree and we'll call both grandmas after we've had a family breakfast.