Working Moms

Ever feel judged by SAHM friends because you work?

I may be just overly sensitive to it cause I am very mixed about working and not being at home but there are times I feel some negativity from family and friends about the fact that I work and they intimate that "I am not raising my kids".  I never say anything and get upset usually after the fact.  I think it's easy to be on one side of the fence and judge and really not put yourself in someone else's shoes.

 

 

Re: Ever feel judged by SAHM friends because you work?

  • No, I don't.  But then again, most of my friends work at least PT!  We all respect that we have to live our lives as it works best for us.

    And to the "you're not raising your kids" bit- if that's ever actually said to you, I'd just ask "So, once your kids start pre-school, I guess you won't be raising them anymore either?".

    Because really....  sending your kid off to school isn't all that different than daycare. You still aren't the only one w/ your kid 24/7. 

    "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
    ~Benjamin Franklin

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  • Depends on the person but sometimes.  What's funny is that my friends who are SAHM I don't get the flack from -- it's my family!  My SIL is a SAHM and my sister was and I used to get the same attitude from them.  They quickly learned to keep their thoughts on the matter to themselves and all has been happy ever since.  Like pp said, the "raising your kids" comment always gets me as it makes no sense -- especially when you put it in the school context.


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  • Not judged, but maybe a little left out, like when they get together during the week for playdates.  But that can't be helped--and we do things on the weekends too.
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  • No, I don't.  Actually, my friends are jealous that I get to work. Whenever I tell them how jealous I am, they tell me how good I have it.  The grass is always greener, I guess.

    If someone ever alluded to the fact that I wasn't raising my kids, I would probably be very hurt and distance myself from them for quite a while.

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  • I don't feel judged by my friends (most work) but one of my sisters and my parents do judge.  My father said he 'doesn't like daycare' and my sister was talking about how stressed she was with being home all day and that she should just 'throw her kids in daycare' and go back to work to make her life easier, whatever.... Her children are OBSESSED with TV though and I think they watch it ALL day.  So she may judge me but I judge her right back. Smile She's a nice person and loves me but I think she feels bad that I 'have' to work. Which is not necessarily true and I like the fact that we have some luxuries and I will never have to depend on someone the way she does.  My other sister stays home as well and doesn't judge me.  She's supportive of my choice like I am supportive of hers because she enjoys being with her kids, not just the 'not working' aspect.

    I don't understand why my parents helped me go to an expensive private university for 4 years and then expect me to just quit my job when baby came.  I am still paying school loans and I'm 32!!!!  My mom actually cried when my brother's wife said she was going back to work and baby will be in daycare.  The funny thing is that both of my parent's mothers worked.  It's frustrating but I just ignore them.

  • Yes, I do feel judged, but I'm confident about being a working mom.  I do my best not to let it get to me, and I do challenge people who make truly ignorant comments (like not raising my child).
  • I should also add that I know that even some of those who judge do so because they're insecure about being at home and/or jealous of what I do and what me working allows my family to do.
  • Honestly- I never feel judged. And part of that is being confident and happy with my family and our lives.

    I rarely get comments that are negative. I do get comments all the time about how we handle everything so well Most of the working moms at my job want to steal my husband because he is so involved.

    That said - there are no SAHMs in my family except my MIL who I adore and who has never given us anything but praise. And a distant cousin who is a wack-a-doodle totally crunchy, SAHM/homeschool/VBAC warrior and is totally my-way-or-the-highway. But she is so militant she is pretty much disregarded.

    Just tell people you have a happy family and wouldn't want to change a thing....and let it go. Unless you agree with them.....

     

  • To add for the Op - I think the issue is that you are judging yourself vs. having other people judge you. You partially agree with the comments.

    Why waste your time judging yourself about something you can or can not change. Embrace your life. Your kids will be fine.

  • Friends? No.  Family members?  Yes.  Well, my SIL is more accurately a WAHM and has uttered a few statements to the tune of, "Mommies need to be HOME with their babies," in front of my working sister and myself.

    I get more weird comments from perfect strangers, and people I meet casually than friends.  I only have one SAHM friend IRL, and she's awesomely supportive.

  • imageAlisaS:

    To add for the Op - I think the issue is that you are judging yourself vs. having other people judge you. You partially agree with the comments.

    Alisa is wise. 

  • I'm still pregnant and I already get this from one of my husband's friends.
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  • So, I don't have any SAHM friends.  All the friend that I have with kids actually work and then I have several friends that are still single or don't yet have kids.

    However, I am guilty of judging some of my husband's friend's wives that stay home.  Only because they are SO WHINEY AND NAGGY.  One in particular pretty much quit her job without ever discussing it with her husband and then complains to anyone who is in earshot about how hard she works taking care of the kids (2), he gets to go to work, he gets to do this, etc.  Well, you know what then?  You should have kept working.  You made the decision to stay home and your poor husband works like a dog all day while you don't leave the kids and then you have the nerve to complain to him the whole time?  Please.  I don't complain to anyone and everyone I see about how hard I have it as a working mom.  We all make our choices and have to live with them.  (Can you tell this girl really gets on my nerves? Devil)

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  • Yes I do.  And I'll just state my opinion here, after working half time, 32 hours a week, SAH and again working half time, I am around a lot of SAHMs, it seems like they judge more than the working moms.

     I went back to work because I missed my career and not for financial reasons (although extra money is always good) so I felt I got judged for that.  Of course, I agree with Alisa, I'm a bit sensitive to this issue too.  My SIL made a heinous statement about dreading her DD going to kindergarten because she'd be exposed to the working mom kids...I just lit into her, and this was WHEN I was SAH. 

  • I have quite a few SAHM friends. They don't judge me. If they did, they wouldn't be my friends.

    And it goes both ways... I don't judge them, either. When it comes down to it, I find that we have a LOT more commonalities than differences.

    Mommy to DD1 (June 2007), DS (January 2010), DD2 (July 2012), and The Next One (EDD 3/31/2015)

  • Nope. I don't really know many stay at home moms, most of my friends who are moms are in my field and we all work. My family would kick my butt if I didnt work after going to school for as many years as I did (and for all the b*tching and moaning I did to them during those years lol). I have made comments made to me in the past, mostly when I was pregnant, mostly passive aggressive "pediatricians believe it is best for a mom to be with her child during the first 12 months" yadda yadda. DH has some friends from back home who always ask him if I have "given up my career yet" and he just laughs.

    If anyone judges me, I honestly don't care. I am secure in my decision to work, and the idea for me of being a stay at home mom is a foreign concept  non issue. Having said that, there are 168 hours in a week. my child in in daycare (which I consider preschool with the AWESOME curriculum they provide) for 40, so I have him for 128 hours a week.  Even when he is sleeping, I am there to care for him if he needs me. I have taught him all his shapes, colors, alphabet, etc when he was very young and he knew them before most kids I know. I bathe him, feed him, take him shopping with me, color with him, he helps me water the garden, bathe the dog etc etc etc. And I teach him right from wrong, manners, faith. I get hugs and kisses and "I love you Mommy"'s all morning, night and weekend.

    AND, I have the ability to provide him with trips and experiences and secure his future financially b/c I work.

    If thats not raising him myself, I dont know what is! 

    There will never be a one size fits all solution to this debate, but we each have to do whats best for our family and know that kids will turn out well on both sides of the coin if they have loving, involved, caring parents.

  • imagejulyjennifer:
    Not judged, but maybe a little left out, like when they get together during the week for playdates.  But that can't be helped--and we do things on the weekends too.

    This. Exactly. It's not their fault at all, and I'm in book club, Fantasy Football, etc.  and try to make it out to other things, but they're a tight group of friends and I always feel like a "fringe" friend. Like right now, I'm in bed missing a Halloween party one of my friends is having b/c I'm so tired I'm afraid to drive over, but it bugs me to miss things b/c I worry I'm sending the message that I'm not interested.

    It would be one thing if I had working friends, but I'm so not kidding that out of roughly 20-30 women I know with kids, 2 are WM. So it would just be really nice to also have friends who understand what it's like to work. But I also can't complain b/c I feel like my SAHM friends and I respect each other's schedules and commitments as well.

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  • I did on my first day back to work with my DS. (It didn't help that my brother, who's wife is a SAHM and homeschools their 3 kids, sent me an email that day asking if I was making the right decision as a child really needs their mother. Angry  In addition, while my parents knew that I had to do what was best for our family, I always felt a bit of oppostiion from them as well.

    Now, the roles are reversed though. My parents can't believe how talkative and interactive my son is - compared to my brother's kids. Now, they have started pushing my brother to send their kids to school.

    While it feels good to have that validation, that's not right either. Every family has to make the best decision for them and they have to feel confident in that decision. I wish people would stop judging others and worry about themselves! Good luck and find the good in your decisions!

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  • I am amazed at some of the crap you guys have gotten from your friends and family!!  I dare someone to send me an email saying "a baby needs their mommy during the day" I would go OFF on them.

    I have only one friend that SAH.  She was a full time worker while pregnant, then got laid off, and is SAH now on unemployment, but looking for a job.  I really think that if she were able to find a job tomorrow, she would go to work.

    All the rest of my friends are WM's and love their work/life balance, so I have a lot of great role models and support for being a WM.

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  • remember too, no one EVER asks dads this question, and no one ever accuses them of not "raising their kids" because THEY work!
  • imagewanderlustmom:

    Yes I do.  And I'll just state my opinion here, after working half time, 32 hours a week, SAH and again working half time, I am around a lot of SAHMs, it seems like they judge more than the working moms.

     I went back to work because I missed my career and not for financial reasons (although extra money is always good) so I felt I got judged for that.  Of course, I agree with Alisa, I'm a bit sensitive to this issue too.  My SIL made a heinous statement about dreading her DD going to kindergarten because she'd be exposed to the working mom kids...I just lit into her, and this was WHEN I was SAH. 

     LOL @ "exposed to the working mom kids".  Like they are rabid zombies or something haha

    Nathan Thomas, C-section (frank breech), September 22, 2008 Maren Anne, VBAC, April 6, 2010 Lilypie Fourth Birthday tickers Lilypie Third Birthday tickers
  • imageMyAlterEgo09:

    Nope. I don't really know many stay at home moms, most of my friends who are moms are in my field and we all work. My family would kick my butt if I didnt work after going to school for as many years as I did (and for all the b*tching and moaning I did to them during those years lol). I have made comments made to me in the past, mostly when I was pregnant, mostly passive aggressive "pediatricians believe it is best for a mom to be with her child during the first 12 months" yadda yadda. DH has some friends from back home who always ask him if I have "given up my career yet" and he just laughs.

    If anyone judges me, I honestly don't care. I am secure in my decision to work, and the idea for me of being a stay at home mom is a foreign concept  non issue. Having said that, there are 168 hours in a week. my child in in daycare (which I consider preschool with the AWESOME curriculum they provide) for 40, so I have him for 128 hours a week.  Even when he is sleeping, I am there to care for him if he needs me. I have taught him all his shapes, colors, alphabet, etc when he was very young and he knew them before most kids I know. I bathe him, feed him, take him shopping with me, color with him, he helps me water the garden, bathe the dog etc etc etc. And I teach him right from wrong, manners, faith. I get hugs and kisses and "I love you Mommy"'s all morning, night and weekend.

    AND, I have the ability to provide him with trips and experiences and secure his future financially b/c I work.

    If thats not raising him myself, I dont know what is! 

    There will never be a one size fits all solution to this debate, but we each have to do whats best for our family and know that kids will turn out well on both sides of the coin if they have loving, involved, caring parents.

     

    I really like this response, especially the bolded part. I don't feel judged but I'm not close to any stay at home moms and the women in my family have all worked. My mil stayed home with her kids but she's never said anything to me about me working. I think that if anyone said anything to me, I would just tell them my point of view and hope they understand even if they don't agree.

    2007 BFP#1 MMC 12w; 2008 BFP#2 DS1; 2010 BFP#3 DS2; 2011 TTC; 2013 Pursuing DIA
  • Yes, and quite often they let me know of their opinion in a very passive aggressive way. I feel like I am always going out of my way to make sure they know I think they do awesome jobs, but it is not reciprocated.
  • Yes, because i most certainly AM judged by a particular SAHM friend. But it doesn't bother me because I know what I am doing is best for my family. I do limit my discussions with her though.  I would stand up for my self if I were you. I'd ask them why they feel it's okay to say that to you...
  • imageEastCoastBride:

    No, I don't.  But then again, most of my friends work at least PT!  We all respect that we have to live our lives as it works best for us.

    And to the "you're not raising your kids" bit- if that's ever actually said to you, I'd just ask "So, once your kids start pre-school, I guess you won't be raising them anymore either?".

    Because really....  sending your kid off to school isn't all that different than daycare. You still aren't the only one w/ your kid 24/7. 

    i absolutely HATE this argument- gets used over and over. Sending your 3-4 year old to preschool for less than 10 hours a week is NOT the same as daycare. And you can't possibly compare a school age child to an infant.  

  • Well, I'm a little of both...SAHM and WM.  I SAH with our son while my husband is at work, and work PT at night while DH watches the boy.  So I sort of see it from both sides.

    On one hand, I am sometimes a little envious of FT WMs...especially when my son is acting up.  My day consists of running around all day, cooking, cleaning, running errands, managing a very active 4 year old boy, blah blah blah.  Then I get to go to work until midnight or 1 AM.  If I'm lucky I get 5 hours of sleep, and this is all while I'm 33 weeks pregnant.  Sometimes I think WMs have an easier time, just because I imagine they have a more normal schedule than I do. And they get to miss out on most of the day when their kid is just impossible to deal with (unless mine is the only who has impossible days, lol!). 

    But then I think of all the things WMs miss that I don't. I spend so much time with my son, and the payoff is really starting to show now.  For example, today he came up to me and said, "You're very important to me."  Or he'll say, "I'm glad you're here with me!"  And these things are unprompted.  He also asks me to play with him...not every second of the day, as he's quite independent, but he really enjoys being with me (and his daddy).  I know the day will soon be here when my DH and I are "lame", so I am enjoying it while he still wants me to play with him.  He is in preschool now (at one of the local elementary schools) and whenever there's an event at school, he is so pumped when I am there.  It's usually just me and 2 other moms (we're the only SAHMs), and the kids whose parents can't be there stick to the three of us like glue.  They love to have someone to show off their artwork and such to.  It makes me a little sad when one of my son's classmates comes up to me and says, "Look what I can do!"  They want so badly someone other than the teachers to be proud of what they've accomplished.  They also ask us to help them with things like tying their shoes.  I can't help but feel bad that someone's child is showing off for me what he would be showing off to his own mother if he could.  Before anyone flames me, I will say, I don't judge these kids' moms; I'm just saying I feel for the kids who don't/can't have a parent there for these things, and I feel for the parents who may not even realize what they and their children are missing.  I also know that this is not a perfect world and that it's not always a choice.  We all do what we have to do.  

     Lastly, I will say that I think I have made the right choice, for our family.  It's hard work, and many SAHMs (at least the ones I know) feel looked down upon, as if we don't do anything important.  And some comments on this thread could be taken that way i.e. people getting annoyed or upset  when someone says a baby needs his/her mother...it could be taken to mean that a child doesn't really need their mother, like any old adult will do.  When I hear WMs dismissing that outright, it make me wonder if they think their kids don't need them, or if it's something that they tell themselves to make themselves feel better.  I can imagine that many WMs feel some ambivalence about working and sometimes we get angry when we think there may be a kernel of truth to a criticism.  But just as it is with some WMs, some of that may be in our own heads.  My mom was a SAHM, my aunts were not.  We (me & my sister and my cousins) all turned out OK.  Good kids can be raised by working moms, and some of the worst kids I have known were the products of a SAHM household.  I hated climbing the corporate ladder long before I had my son.  I would rather deal with my son than the politics of the workplace (most of the time anyway!).  Once I got out of college and began my career, I soon realized I didn't enjoy the corporate world; I wanted a job, not necessarily a career.  I stopped looking at work as a way to fulfill any need other than a monetary need.  I don't go to work to make friends or to find any kind of meaning or fulfillment in my life.  I have since treated work as a way to make money to do the things that do bring me happiness.  And once we get to a place financially where we are not so dependent on my income, I will quit altogether.  But because I am so dispassionate about a career, I know that if I were working FT during the day, sooner or later I would look back on the time I spent working as a missed opportunity with my children, which I am passionate about, and it would be an opportunity I would never get back.  I personally don't feel like I am missing anything by not being at work.  But I also don't judge other moms who have made different choices.  Sorry for the long, stream-of-consciousness post!

  • ilalum, I think your post was very offensive.  I'm not sure if you were trying to be, but it came off very patronizing.  All of those things you mentioned (like your DS saying he loves spending time with you)--those are not mutually exclusive with you not working FT.  As I have worked and SAH, it's simply not the case in my family that my children are worse off in either situation.  Even if I worked 80 hours a week, as long as I had good childcare, I would still have those moments with my child.  I work 20 hours a week because that works for my family but not because I think my child is hindered. 

     And it's fine that you don't miss your career or find yourself a career person, but a lot of women pull off both (motherhood and a career) very well.  

     And I don't feel sorry at all for those children at your son's preschool, and it's not the norm around here.  At Maguire's preschool, a lot of the parents work FT and they still manage to come to many parties.  Just because you have a demanding career doesn't mean you can't participate in school activities.  

     

     

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