If you thought you didn't want kids, — The Bump
TTC after 35

If you thought you didn't want kids,

what changed your mind?  (especially if you changed your mind ~35)

I never felt like I wanted kids, but over the past 12-18 months, I've had flashes otherwise.  However, I really don't know what I want.  I have been obsessed with trying to make a final decision (I am 39) the past couple of weeks, and I am stressed and strung out.

DH's experience with his daughter (she is now 21) has been nothing but a nightmare and heartbreak.  He said the only way he will risk going through this again is if I am 100% sure.  He would probably agree if I could say a majority of me was sure.

My biggest fear is that I will be childless and full of regret in 5 years. (the full of regret part).

AMA.
BFP #1: 4/7/12. EDD: 12/2/12.
Growth on target with h/b at 6w3d. No h/b at 8w4d. D&C 4/27/12.
BFP #2: 2/28/13. M/C 5w1d.

Re: If you thought you didn't want kids,

  • I always knew I wanted children but when the time came I got scared.  But I have to say it was the best decision I ever made.  I love my DD more than life itself!  My only regret now is that I waited too long to try for #2 (same reason...scared!)....now I have regrets:(

     

  • Hi, KMCP.

    Boy, do I know where you are!

    I never had the desire to have children, and I didn't think I would ever get married, so I never gave it all that much thought.

    I turned 36 shortly after we married. We were (and are!) having such a great time that I didn't think about kids for awhile. Then as I was about to turn 38, I did. And like you, I drove myself crazy trying to make up my mind!

    All you can do is try to imagine your life with kids, and without.

    Make a list of what would change if you had them, and see how you feel about those things.

    Also, how important is it you and DH to have biological children? If that's not important at all, you have more time to make up your mind.

    I realized I did want kids. The problem was, I still wanted more time with just me and DH. But I realized, because of my age, it might be now or never for biological children. And I realized that, for us, now was better than never.

    I hope that helps, but unfortunately, it is one of those things we each have to wrestle with on our own.

    Joyful

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  • Yep...totally been there!  DH and myself both dealt with our perpetually ill fathers for the first 8 years of our marriage, so we barely had enough time to devote to ourselves so not wanting (and fearing) kids seemed perfectly fine...now that they're both gone and we're hitting the "upper 30s" age bracket, something seems to have turned on our biological clocks.

    We're now pursuing IVF since it appears to be the most viable option.  We look back and wish we'd done it earlier like many of our friends, but we know that with all the familial issues we were dealing with that it wouldn't have been right for us then...I guess we'll just be older and grayer at their graduations, etc.;)

    Best of luck with your decision:)

  • I didn't ever NOT want kids, but I was always on the fence.  So, was DH.  I think most of my hesitation was from fear.  I was really scared about the complete life change and the financial commitment.  We talked about it quite a bit and both decided that the thought of never having kids and having regrets was even scarier.   Initially, I went off BCP for a couple of months and we decided to "see what happened".  We thought we would let fate make our decision.  Well, I get a lot of O pain so I knew exactly when we should be trying so that plan wasn't going to work.  We talked more and decided just to go for it.

    Once it was clear that this wasn't going to happen easily for us, all my fears have changed to being scared to death I will never get pregnant.  I have completely forgotten about all my initial fears.  When I do get pregnant, I am sure that a lot of them will come rushing back!

    Good luck in making your decision!

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  • I think if a majority of you is ready, then you're ready to take it on.  Being a mom has given me the opportunity to love like I never knew I was capable.  If you're pretty sure, I'd do it.  It's truly the most awesome, overwhelming and exciting thing in the whole world. : )
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  • imageougrad1:
    I think if a majority of you is ready, then you're ready to take it on.  Being a mom has given me the opportunity to love like I never knew I was capable.  If you're pretty sure, I'd do it.  It's truly the most awesome, overwhelming and exciting thing in the whole world. : )

    I agree 100% with this post:)  GL on your decision.

  • DH had been dating for 12 years before we married at age 34.  We were on the fence.  We made a list of pros and cons.  My biggest fear was that it was the only decision, besides death that you couldn't take back.  For example, if you are unhappy in a marriage: divorce.  Don't like that new outfit: return it.  Hate your career: change it.  Have a baby?  Yikes!  I was so scared of hating it and then resenting it.  Now that I am a mom, I can tell you I have good days and bad days, when I say to myself "what the hell did I do?".  I think it is the most challenging and selfless human experience which is something I needed to be okay with before making the decision.  It is also very rewarding and fills your heart with love.  Good Luck with your decision. 

  • 38 was the "magic age" for me also! I just woke up on my 38th birthday, kinda just "knowing" a baby was what I wanted. Poof! On our very first try,  we got our wish, so I KNEW in my heart I had made the right decision, but up to my 38th birthday, I really never had that "burning desire" to have a child--I was very set in my ways, liked having money and time, etc...and it still wasn't a huge, must-have desire at that point.

     I woke up with the same feeling on my 41st birthday, and luck struck again, albeit a couple months later, still very lucky and blessed. Now I can't remember life before babies. It is the most personal decision you can ever make. It is wise to think of it from all angles--physical, financial, emotional, time-wise, etc, etc. It is draining in all areas, but wonderful. I was told to wait until I had that "burning desire" you hear everyone talk about--I disagree with that. You don't need to experience a want on that extreme a level to be successful. I think it helped me keep it all in perspective--we took a "if-it-happens, great;-if-it-doesn't, we're okay" approach. Best of luck to you and whatever you decide--whatever you decide will be the right decision for you. You must believe that.

  • QE2QE2 member

    I always knew I wanted kids some day, but just wanted them later. I found that I wanted them more when I got married at 37 and knew the clock was ticking at a furious pace. I too am fearful of being childless with regret.?

    TTC since 3/08 DOR, High FSH, Hypothyroid, Uterine Polyps, blocked tube, MFI, 5 rounds of clomid, 5 IVF attempts, 2 hysteroscopies, 2 natural conceptions=2 losses (Methotrexate, D&C) Successful DE cycle twins born 10/7/11 Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • imagekmcp:

    My biggest fear is that I will be childless and full of regret in 5 years. (the full of regret part).

    That's what prompted me to TTC. Although I always new I wanted kids, it was always something for the future. As my 35th birthday loomed, I still wasn't ready, but I feared waiting until I felt I was ready. 

    Had DS in July and have absolutely no regrets! He's the love of my life!

  • I got married the first time when I was 19 & I didn't want kids with him. We were both so immature and with me still be at somewhat of an "impressionable" age, he said one time that he would never change a dirty diaper. As silly as it sounds, that stuck with me. We ended up growing apart in my later 20s & divorced. (hello, starter marriage) When I met my DH & after we'd been together for awhile, that is when I knew I wanted to have kids with him.

    My big fear is that I won't be able to get pregnant, and we don't have the $$ for IVF (who does though?) and I will never get to experience what the moms here have said about motherhood and their children. I see how it has changed a couple of good friends of mine, and I feel like I'm not as interesting to talk to (as other moms) because we don't have that in common. But, I suppose I am throwing a pity party tonight for myself. I promise to go back to being positive tomorrow. 

  • I never did not want kids, but I never wanted to be a single parent and didn't meet my DH until I was 34. Other than one former BF, I never had anyone else I ever remotely desired to have kids with before DH (much less settle down with).

    We were both on the proverbial fence for a few years over this and truthfully, sometimes we still are since this doesn't seem to be happening for us naturally. But don't get me wrong, a child would bring us so much joy and fulfillment too but I won't feel the devastation that I sense from others if we never have a baby (I think this is because of age).

  • When I was really young (late teens - early twenties) kids annoyed me. As I got older and my friends started having them and I thought their kids were pretty cool but I still wasn't sure I wanted that 'job'. I was too busy having fun and didn't think I could handle that responsibility. Plus, I was really afraid that if I had kids I would some how screw them up.  

    It wasn't until after I broke up with this a*hole in my early 30's that I realized that I did want kids.  However, because I was in my early 30's and single with zero prospects I really didn't think I would ever meet anyone to marry, let alone have kids.

    Fortunately, for me I meet my husband (thanks to some friends) a fews months later and here we are.  Now I know without a doubt if I don't have kids I will regret it. 

  • I never didn't want kids, I just never thought I'd meet the man that I could have children with. It seemed like all I dated were losers, or I couldn't even meet anyone to date. So I just started thinking that I would end up being one of those people who never had children. After I met DH and saw what a great dad he was, everything changed. I want to see myself and him in a being that we create together. It is so fun to see flashes of him in his daughters, and I want to see him in our child. I just wish that it would happen soon!
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