Mother who doesn't believe in Baby Showers??

Cyndi79

Does anyone else have a mother who doesn't believe in baby showers?  My mother was born in Italy, and I think it's tradition to have the shower AFTER the baby is born...which sucks, but I was ok with it.  Well, recently my mother has said she doesn't believe in baby showers at all.  What the heck?  I just don't get it...

My mother-in-law asked my mom for a list of guests & she won't even supply that.  She said she doesn't want her family invited to something they don't believe in.  Seriously?  This is my mother's first grandchild, and my Grandparent's first great grandchild, so this hasn't really come up before.  

I feel selfish arguing that I want a shower, but I want my baby to get a good start.  I just feel really hurt by my mother right now... 

EDIT:  My best friend suggested a letter to my mom to tell her how hurt I am.  I don't think it will change her mind, but maybe it'll help getting my feelings out?  What do you ladies think?  Like someone already commented, it's about the celebration of a new life, not the gifts! 

Luv-a-Bug

I would probably feel the same way.  Do you know any of your family's addresses?  Maybe you could provide your MIL with them, and then THEY can decide for themselves whether or not they wish to come or send a gift.

witoga

Well, if those are her beliefs then what can you really do? Will she be having an after the baby shower for you? That will be fun too!

xtencornfield

Luv-a-Bug:

I would probably feel the same way.  Do you know any of your family's addresses?  Maybe you could provide your MIL with them, and then THEY can decide for themselves whether or not they wish to come or send a gift.

I agree w/this.  Just because she doesn't want to invite them doesn't mean you can't, it's your family too!

witoga

oh, I just re-read your OP. If she doesnt believe in showers at all then I think you should still be able to invite her side of the family to your shower!

trapani2be

I went throught the same thing with my MIL, also italian.  It is their family tradition to not have showers at all.  Instead they invite themselves individually (huge family) to your house for a visit after the baby is born.  It is an awful, exhausting family tradition that most likely will not be happening again with #2.  I was upset about not having a shower as well, my family is scattered and did not have one for me either.  The worst part was that I was exhausted had a rough recovery and people didn't know when to leave

Brightgirl01

I'm really sorry. I would be hurt too. I'm sure she doesn't understand how much it means to you and that it is not just a gift grab but a celebration of this new little blessing. I'm so glad your mother in law is planning a celebration for you! My situation is the opposite. My mom is helping my sister with a shower for me but my MIL isn't the least bit interested. It's her fourth grand baby and apparently she is over it because she really went all out for the first three. I'll be glad if she shows up. :0(

murfygirl

trapani2be:

I went throught the same thing with my MIL, also italian.  It is their family tradition to not have showers at all.  Instead they invite themselves individually (huge family) to your house for a visit after the baby is born.  It is an awful, exhausting family tradition that most likely will not be happening again with #2.  I was upset about not having a shower as well, my family is scattered and did not have one for me either.  The worst part was that I was exhausted had a rough recovery and people didn't know when to leave

That sounds like torture! I would not like that at all!

I would still try to invite your family I mean its your family too!

SissyKate21

Wow, I'm so sorry. I would be hurt too.

If your mother feels so strongly about that, then she doesn't have to go (which, would hurt my feelings if my mother didn't want to attend). And your relatives can make up their own mind...it's not fair for her to exclude them just because she decided they shouldn't go.

But seriously, who wouldn't want to go to a party in honor of their daughter and grandchild? If she's offended by the gift-giving, then she doesn't need to bring a gift. A shower isn't exclusively about the gifts - I still think that having a party with your friends and loved ones to celebrate and welcome a new life into the family should be acceptable and even encouraged.

Accepting gifts is the only thing I can think of that she would be upset about. If there's another reason, please share. 

Either way, I'm so sorry...

jhoanna.delgado

It's too bad your mom feels this way because they're so much fun. You should probably get your own list together of people you want invited to the shower. Also, make sure Mom gets an invitation. If not, you could respect her wishes, and people will start asking when your shower will be. Then she or some one on your side of the family will have to throw you a shower.

cajungirl0717

It's not that my mom has a problem with the baby shower, she has a problem with asking people to bring gifts. As in, she doens't want to put on the invitations where we are registered because "that's telling them they have to buy something."

We had the same argument for my wedding. I was not allowed to put on the shower invites where I was registered. But I put it on the one I had with my friends.

She comes from the Ms. Manners generation where EVERYTHING is not polite.

urbanwifey

Honestly, if it were me I'd find someone in the family that has the addresses and just send the invites.

I'd write a letter too.

Alyssa522

I have a mother & father in law that are against showers. I made it quiet clear that i was having one, my H and i are not against them. we went back and forth for a while with my FIL until we agreed that we werent going to invite the members of the family we knew wont come, and they wont be offended. but we did have to compromise slightly and any gifts we recieve are not 'allowed' to be stored at our apt. until after the baby is born. I will have the nursery complete but i guess my H have to fill the closets and put together some toys while i'm in the hospital for a few days.

urbanwifey

Also, my MIL chose not to invite anyone but her 2 friends to my shower, I begged her to reconsider.  Many of her friends were mad at me because they assumed I told her they wouldn't be invited.

nero1281

My mother does not believe in it either.  DH and I decided to not have a shower, but a "meet and greet" after the baby is born.  I hate showers so it was an easy decision for me.  We are still going to register and if people want to buy a gift the list will be available.

However, I will say that recently I have thought that I will need a good bit of things as soon as the baby is born.  I'm thinking about doing a very small lunch date with just immedaite family (moms, sister-in-laws, etc) and MAYBE a close friend or two.  And just ask for things like daipers and wipes (wishing well sort of stuff)......Haven't made up my mind on that one yet.

Ellasonrisa

MY MIL gave me a hard time - she's also Italian!  We compromised by letting her make her own invites for her friends where she won't include registry info, etc.  The thing is that people still ask where am I registered and so she ends up providing the info anyway.

pandagirl15

Hmm, I wonder if it's an Italian thing.  My family doesn't believe in them either, and we are very Italian.  Gradnfather was born there.  No one in our family has ever had one.  They spend all the $$$ on the baby they would have put into a party, and then some.  They also feel that if a person wants to give a baby a gift, they will bring it to the hospital, house, etc.  You shouldn't ask for one.  That being said, my aunts got mad at my mom now since she wasn't giving me one, so she is having a very small one just for immediate family.  Very confusing!

MrsRebecca

Why don't you compile a guest list of who you want there? It's not a shower for your mother, it's a shower for you.

magdalina.h

I like the letter idea so she knows how hurt you are. Plus I would give your MIL their addresses because in the end it's your shower and you want them there. Give them the opportunity to say no. Also let your mom know that you plan on doing that.