Any biracial couples?

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My husband is Vietnamese and I am white. We have a unique set of parenting concerns due to this fact. Is there anyone in the same boat?

I absolutely love my in-laws, they are wonderful people. I am very excited to include them in the life of our LO and instill their culture into our lives. MIL just told us that she wants to give our LO a tradiational Vietnamese name in addition to the "real" name. DH has some reservations about this, but I think it's a great way to instill some of the Vietnamese tradition and bring his parents closer to the baby.

Any thoughts? Can anyone relate?

femmegem

Yep, DH is Korean and I'm white (I'm pretty much a mutt). DS's middle name is his Korean name, which MIL and FIL chose for him. We also incorporated the traditional Korean first birthday shtick of having DS pick his future career (no pressure, kid!) at his first birthday party. He wore a han-bok and it turned out really cute.

SIL did not give her kids Korean middle names. I think whatever you want to do is fine. I personally like the tradition and DH's relatives all call DS by his Korean name, which is easier for them to pronounce than his first name.

xbrooklyngrl

I'm Russian DH is Puerto Rican and together we make this little beauty.

ETA: neither of us have many traditions in respect to our culture. so we're cool with that.

jettagurl

I'm white,  DH is black.   We don't have any pressure to do any cultural customs, so I can't help with that really.  I do think that since your DH is the child's father, he should be able to make those decisions about what he wants to do regarding cultural customs....so this is an issue for you and your DH to decide upon and I wouldn't be taking outside opinions (ie. inlaws). 

samanthony

Dh is Cuban, and I am white.

pincushions

DH is white and I am Mexican/French.

I was raised as far away from my culture as my mother could take us so we really don't have any experience with my Mexican roots.

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One of the reasons we think MIL wants to pick a Vietnamese name is so that she can easily pronounce it. Which is perfectly understandable to me. DH is biologically half Chinese and half Vietnamese, but his dad (the Chinese half) was born and raised in Vietnam. So they are culturally 100% Vietnamese. DH has his regular Vietnamese name (which is what he goes by) and a Chinese name that his parents call him. Not sure why they always call him by his Chinese name, it doesn't make much sense to me, lol. But DH's issue was that our LO might be confused with having multiple names. But he was never confused by his 2 names. I just don't see a down side to it. DH doesn't want to use a Vietnamese name for the first or middle name for our child, so I think a nickname is great. Many people have nns that certain ppl call them.

Another issue is that my BIL and SIL (DH's brother) had a baby about 3 or 4 years ago now, and they practically keep the baby from my in-laws. They won't let my FIL hold her, they say that the baby "doesn't want him to." It's heartbreaking to me, because I can see how much it hurts them. They decided to not involve any of the Vietnamese culture, which was their decision, but I can see that it hurts my MIL. So I really want to ensure they are included.

Thank you for sharing your experience. I appreciate it. And your little boy is soooo cute!!

t-lou rosales

I'm Korean and DH is Sanish. We did not give DS a korean name. Which was not intensional. I just couldn't come up with one that I liked. Now if/when we have a girl, I will be giving her a korean name. We did have a semi-traditional korean 1st birthday. We had korean food, duk, han bok, etc. I think it's really up to you and your DH. You guys are the parents.

susan1017

What are your special concerns? My DH is Chinese and I am Caucasian and we have a beautiful DD. We live in an area where this is not a big deal at all and in fact, we feel quite trendy..hehe :-)

Dhs parents do not speak english which is its own set of issues but other then the occasional miscommunication or misinterpreted intent, things are mostly how I think a 'traditional' family operates.

Our DD has a Chinese middle name and I too had to push DH to do it. I think it was hard for DH to fit in growing up (he went to a mostly white prep school) and he has more issues with his heritage than I ever would have guessed. I'm glad I pushed him to give her a Chinese name. I didn't want him to look back and feel he missed an opportunity to include his family in ours and it made his elderly parents very happy.  If we have any more children we plan to give them a Chinese name as well.

 

 

A-baybride

Yeah, I can relate.  MH is Chinese and I'm white.  FIL took it upon himself to give DD a Chinese name with no input from us, which kind of irked me, to be honest.  I'm all for her having a Chinese name, and even suggested giving her a Chinese middle name (DH vetoed), but if that's what his family is going to call her, I think her parents should have a say in it.  I mean, my parents didn't say, "hey that's great you named her xxx, but we're going to call her yyy."  I think it's great to honor cultural traditions, but a little respect for the other culture involved is in order as well.  So I think it's great that your MIL has approached you in advance about the Vietnamese name!

A much bigger issue for me is the preference for males.  DH's parents couldn't even be bothered to come see DD when she was born (they live 20 miles away).  She's 2.5, and we've always had to take her to see them, they do nothing for birthdays, Christmas, etc. for her.  I'm now pregnant with a boy and they're going to make a much bigger deal of him, and I'm already steaming about it.  I was actually hoping for another girl so that we wouldn't have this issue and it breaks my heart that DD will learn from her own grandparents that her culture considers her a second class citizen.

 

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Thank you all for sharing. Your kiddos are so precious! I can't wait to become a member of the proud mommy club! 

I agree with the PP about how DH should make the decisions regarding his culture, and for the most part, he does. The two of us make these decisions together, but I weigh his opinion more, b/c sometimes he has really strong feelings about it (usually against it) and I'm not going to push him to do something he's uncomfortable with. I'm sure his parents would have loved if we would name our LO a Vietnamese name, but DH doesn't want to do that. He's open to the idea of the nickname, he doesn't dislike it. We just want to make sure we think of any negatives or downsides about it.

4Speedy

I am not in a biracial marriage but I did date someone of another race for 5 years prior to DH.  He had an interesting perspective.  His parents were born in the "old country" and he was the first generation born here.  He often said his parents were more "old country" than the people actually living IN the old country.  That's because when they came to the US, they had a snapshot of what their home/culture was like in their mind.  They clung to those ways.  In the meantime, just as things changed in the US in the 60's, 70's 80's, etc, they also marched on in the old country.  But the parents had no comprehension if the 2000's version of their home country--they only remember 1960's home country.  So they were way outdated by both the standards of the US and their old country.  My ex-BF said that it put a tremendous amount of pressure on first generation kids who were always pulled in opposite directions--to fit in here but also to please their parents and live up to the "old" version of the home country.  He said most of his childhood was extremely difficult because of this.

Is it possible that your DH has experienced any of this?  As much as it sounds like a nice idea, maybe your DH has had some struggles to balance the old/new ways so he doesn't want to put the same pressure on your child.  Maybe you could question him some more to find out why he feels like he does?

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susan1017:

Our DD has a Chinese middle name and I too had to push DH to do it. I think it was hard for DH to fit in growing up (he went to a mostly white prep school) and he has more issues with his heritage than I ever would have guessed.

This is true of my DH as well. Being white, growing up in a predominantly white community, I was naive enough to think that racial issues were not that common anymore. Ha! DH and his family has had a lot of issues, so I'm trying to be as sensitive as I can to his opinions and the reasons for them. 

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A-baybride:

Yeah, I can relate.  MH is Chinese and I'm white.  FIL took it upon himself to give DD a Chinese name with no input from us, which kind of irked me, to be honest.  I'm all for her having a Chinese name, and even suggested giving her a Chinese middle name (DH vetoed), but if that's what his family is going to call her, I think her parents should have a say in it.  I mean, my parents didn't say, "hey that's great you named her xxx, but we're going to call her yyy."  I think it's great to honor cultural traditions, but a little respect for the other culture involved is in order as well.  So I think it's great that your MIL has approached you in advance about the Vietnamese name!

A much bigger issue for me is the preference for males.  DH's parents couldn't even be bothered to come see DD when she was born (they live 20 miles away).  She's 2.5, and we've always had to take her to see them, they do nothing for birthdays, Christmas, etc. for her.  I'm now pregnant with a boy and they're going to make a much bigger deal of him, and I'm already steaming about it.  I was actually hoping for another girl so that we wouldn't have this issue and it breaks my heart that DD will learn from her own grandparents that her culture considers her a second class citizen.

 

I absolutely agree with your first paragraph. I think it would likely have irritated me if she just took this decision upon herself after the baby was born. Having seen how they are with their other granddaughter, I'm sure they would never do that. Asking us beforehand is wonderful, and I'm glad she did because I would never have come up with the idea on my own. I told DH to ask her for some names, and we can choose one.

Your second point is something I didn't even think about. I guess it's very different in Vietnam than China, b/c my in-laws are not like that at all, thank goodness. I can't imagine what it must be like to see anyone obviously ignore one of your children and favor another. That must be so difficult. My DH has a half-brother who was favored by their dad's family. DH and his full brother (and their mom) were treated like crap and the half-brother was taken on trips, sent gifts, etc. It broke my MIL's heart. It also caused a lot of resentment between DH and the half-brother. While he knows it wasn't the other kid's fault... there's still tension between them because of it. What is a mother to do about it?

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4Speedy:

I am not in a biracial marriage but I did date someone of another race for 5 years prior to DH.  He had an interesting perspective.  His parents were born in the "old country" and he was the first generation born here.  He often said his parents were more "old country" than the people actually living IN the old country.  That's because when they came to the US, they had a snapshot of what their home/culture was like in their mind.  They clung to those ways.  In the meantime, just as things changed in the US in the 60's, 70's 80's, etc, they also marched on in the old country.  But the parents had no comprehension if the 2000's version of their home country--they only remember 1960's home country.  So they were way outdated by both the standards of the US and their old country.  My ex-BF said that it put a tremendous amount of pressure on first generation kids who were always pulled in opposite directions--to fit in here but also to please their parents and live up to the "old" version of the home country.  He said most of his childhood was extremely difficult because of this.

Is it possible that your DH has experienced any of this?  As much as it sounds like a nice idea, maybe your DH has had some struggles to balance the old/new ways so he doesn't want to put the same pressure on your child.  Maybe you could question him some more to find out why he feels like he does?

Interesting point. Yes, I think he has had some trouble dealing with assimilating. He doesn't feel pressure to conform to the beliefs of his parents. While they are traditional, they aren't stringently so. DH was born in Vietnam, but only spent the first few hours of his life there. He is American in every way of his being. When he was younger, I think he did resent the traditional Asian beliefs his parents had b/c they're not based on reality (in his opinion). For example, I was nervous meeting his mom for the first time b/c I had my eyebrow pierced and I knew she would hate it. He always told me that if she's going to judge people based on things like piercings instead of who they are as a person, then her opinion shouldn't matter that much to me (yeah right!). But they have relaxed with their beliefs, they accept and love me (white, previously pierced) and treat me wonderfully.

DH's struggles against his parents beliefs have also relaxed. I have pushed him to be more proud of his culture and to learn more about his family. My mom and I talked at length to his parents about what happened in Vietnam, etc. and learned more than DH knew about it. I understand his struggle, but I want our kids to be proud of who they are and where they've come from. DH has gotten a lot better with accepting and understanding his parents and their beliefs. As a couple, we are very adept at communicating openly and honestly, so if he feels strongly about it, he will tell me so and he'll tell me why.