Here is my analogy to cheating... — The Bump
Toddlers: 12 - 24 Months

Here is my analogy to cheating...

Before you had kids we all said "I'll Never...."

"I'll never use a leash.."

"I'll never co-sleep"

"I'll never let my child have McDonalds.."

Then you become a parent and your perspective changes..Same with infidelity UNTIL you are in the situation it's probably best not to say "I'll NEVER..""

Re: Here is my analogy to cheating...

  • I think it's best in life to never say "I'll Never."  You never know what you'll do until you're in that situation.
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  • thankfully by the posts it looks like a lot of people have never had to deal with this. and hopefully they won't. the hypothetical question of how you would deal isn't really fair. you really don't know...

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  • I don't believe that can even be compared. Sorry. The self righteous parenting ideals are small potatoes compared to the devestation felt by someone trying to rip your family in 2.

    Not comparable. And yes, I'd leave. I know it, and he does too.

  • What lanie said. feeding my kid mcdonald's and my husband sleeping with other women are nowhere near the same spectrum.
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  • You'd be surprised Lanie. I have the financial means to leave, I would have the support of my family and HIS, yet when it came down to it I put my emotions aside and we are trying counseling. Before our marriage had cracks especially in communication, and this just shattered my life, but when you come to terms and start evaluating everything that was wrong you can start to piece together the things that aren't.
  • imagejenifairies:
    What lanie said. feeding my kid mcdonald's and my husband sleeping with other women are nowhere near the same spectrum.

    I agree. Although, I must admit I am one of the ones that has never gone through this, but I really can't even fathom putting 110% into trying to save my marriage after he so disrespectfully threw our marriage (and family) aside. That's just the way it is, and I don't see that changing.

  • I think it's a completely valid comparison. Feeding a kid junk food might not mean a lot weighed against cheating, but I agree that it's something you can't really know about until you are there.

    In an extreme example from the other end of the seriousness spectrum, a lot of people say they couldn't handle some kind of major disability, like losing a limb or being paralyzed. For me, it's going blind. The whole idea scares me to death and freaks me out. I've often said that I would rather be dead. Doesn't mean that should something happen, I wouldn't decide that maybe finding a way to live with it was worth a try.

  • imagesoon2Bmrspower:

    imagejenifairies:
    What lanie said. feeding my kid mcdonald's and my husband sleeping with other women are nowhere near the same spectrum.

    I agree. Although, I must admit I am one of the ones that has never gone through this, but I really can't even fathom putting 110% into trying to save my marriage after he so disrespectfully threw our marriage (and family) aside. That's just the way it is, and I don't see that changing.

    Ditto.  I know, 10000%, that I'd leave.  If I stayed, I would be resentful and miserable.  I know myself and what I am able to forgive. 

  • I respect that people wish to stay. That's cool. I wouldn't. But knowing what you'd do either way is personal. Only we know our own levels of forgiveness, and ability to trust again.

    My husband works nights. I couldnt' survive the doubt. Just could not and would rather live without him completely.

  • I've never heard of any woman going into a marriage who said "If he cheats on me, I will still stay."  Yet there are thousands of women who, when the time comes, do choose to stay.  It's not so black and white anymore.
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  • imagelanie26:

    I don't believe that can even be compared. Sorry. The self righteous parenting ideals are small potatoes compared to the devestation felt by someone trying to rip your family in 2.

    Not comparable. And yes, I'd leave. I know it, and he does too.

    Yes ITA. These things would not affect the quality of my everyday life. Living w/an unfailthful spouse would. It's not a fair comparison.

  • good analogy,
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  • imagelanie26:

    I don't believe that can even be compared. Sorry. The self righteous parenting ideals are small potatoes compared to the devestation felt by someone trying to rip your family in 2.

    Not comparable. And yes, I'd leave. I know it, and he does too.

    yeah...  i really don't think putting a harness on my kid compares to my husband getting in bed with another woman.  i would never be able to look at him the same again.  ever.

  • imagelanie26:

    I don't believe that can even be compared. Sorry. The self righteous parenting ideals are small potatoes compared to the devestation felt by someone trying to rip your family in 2.

    Not comparable. And yes, I'd leave. I know it, and he does too.

    Ditto.  Word for word.

  • imagelanie26:

    I don't believe that can even be compared. Sorry. The self righteous parenting ideals are small potatoes compared to the devestation felt by someone trying to rip your family in 2.

    Not comparable. And yes, I'd leave. I know it, and he does too.

    I completely agree with Lanie.  For one thing, I know myself and I would NOT get over something like that.  If I stayed I would spend every second questioning his loyalty or whether or not it would happen again.  And I like myself too much to be that miserable for the rest of my life.  Period.  Secondly, I don't want to raise my child to think that cheating is okay or to just take it.  As children get older, they are aware when one or both parents are cheating (happened to my cousin, my aunt and uncle thought she was clueless, but she'd call me and cry about it).  

     

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    emma - 9.18.08 & charlotte - 3.10.11
  • This whole debate reminds me of a NYT article I read not too long ago, with some surprising-to-me statistics on how many couple stay together after infidelity. 

    From the article:

    In any given year, about 10 percent of married people say they have had sex outside their marriage. These numbers say nothing about whether the affairs were discovered; but researchers have surveyed couples in which they were. In one survey, among 1,084 people whose spouses had affairs, Ms. Vaughan found that 76 percent of both men and women were still married and living with that spouse years later. Similar surveys have found rates of about two-thirds and higher.

    That doesn't say anything about the ages of the couples involved, how long they'd been married, who cheated on who, whether there were kids involved, whether they considered themselves "happy" afterwards, etc. -- but I wouldn't have guessed that the majority of people stay together after there's cheating involved. Just shows that you never know. 

    The full story, for those interested:

    http://www.nytimes.com/2009/06/28/fashion/28marriage.html 

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    DD1, 1/5/2008 ~~~ DD2, 3/17/2010
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