Shower... "issue" (maybe kind of long?)
Two things need to be noted before I get to the grit of my issue.
1. I don't like surprises. At all. I tend to flee on sight. I also don't like meeting new people and being the center of attention. I don't like people touching my belly. Heck, I don't like people touching me period. I'm not a hugger. Those situations make me very anxious and nervous and twitchy.
2. I'm Jewish. If you didn't know that yet, well you do now. I'm very, very Jewish.
End background.
My MIL is very legalistic Christian -- stereotypically so, one of those women on Wife Swap or something. She would be great for someone's ratings somewhere.
She knows that I am Jewish, but since she doesn't seem to respect it, I remind her every so often, just in case. She also knows that I do not like surprises or parties.
NATURALLY she has decided to plan a surprise shower with her Bible study. It's a sweet thought and I appreciate it, but I do not in any way feel comfortable going to a surprise shower (she won't tell me the date or anything) thrown by a bunch of women I do not know and who don't respect my faith and my choices. (They all agreed that I should change pediatricians because he's Jewish and they don't like my OB because he's Indian.)
Would it be impossibly rude to tell her I would rather not have a shower? It's a flat out lie because I would love one, but not one that would make me that uncomfortable.
Sigh. Now I don't know what to do.
Re: Shower... "issue" (maybe kind of long?)
Just wondering- how do you know about it if it's a surprise shower? Just that she's throwing one but you don't know when?
As for the religious issues... I'm in a similar position except that I'm nonpractising. My husband's family is very conservative Christians and they didn't even come to our wedding because they weren't comfortable with my husband marrying a non Christian (forget that he doesn't practise, either).
It is an awkward situation if she's really trying to do something nice for you but I can understand that you wouldn't be comfortable with that. Amazing that they think they can make these decisions for you like who your medical providers should be!
It's really up to you to decide if you think it's worth making an issue over. My big question is, what does your husband think? Does he defend you to his family when they say things they shouldn't? Could he tell his mother that you appreciate her thought but you aren't comfortable around ladies who judge you and others (I thought Christians weren't supposed to do that)?
I agree with Mandapilly, if she is set on her Bible study throwing it maybe you can ask if she could invite a few of your close friends so that they can sheild you from unwanted touching and you wouldn't feel so out of place with these strangers.
I'm afraid that it sounds like flat out asking her to not throw a shower would offend her, you obviously have made your desires and preferences clear, she's just not listening. You might have to either offend her or grab a friend and stick it out at this point.
GL
I think when y'all are saying "conservative" Christians, you really mean legalistic.
I would see myself as a VERY conservative Christian, but I am soooooo not legalistic. I graduated from a very legalistic university, and pretty much came out of it twitching.
I love Jesus, I love God. I'm a sinner saved by grace. That gives me no right to judge ANYONE else.
I think a lot of legalistic Christians have a "holier than thou" attitude. And it pisses me off, because they end up giving all Christians a bad rep.
I would tell your MIL that while you are very thankful that she is wanting to throw you a shower, you really aren't comfortable with it being a group of strangers. Tell her you'd prefer to be let in on the details of the shower, and if you're not, you can't be held responsible if you walk out. Let her know that you understand her views, but that the baby is YOUR and YOUR HUSBANDS baby, and not hers. Therefore you make the medical decisions.
My MIL is going to have a hissy fit when she finds out our vaccination plans.
DH is in Iraq right now so he really can't run between me and his Mom. But no, he doesn't really. Before he deployed we lived away from his Mom so she never got to poke her head in on everything, but I'm on bedrest now and my Mom is in the hospital indefinitely, so I'm living with her. Which is why I really don't want to insult her -- she's hard to handle on an awesome day.
As for the surprise part, her neighbor told me because she knows I hate surprises.
Yes! That is what I meant when I said conservative. Sorry if it was insulting, I wasn't aware there was a specific word for it. Thank you. My BFF is Christian and she still loves me, so it's not like I'm bashing on y'all. ...Just my MIL.
Haha, I'm not offended. I just hate that all conservative Christians get stuck with the legalistic Christian moniker, so I thought I'd bring it up.
I really hate that your MIL gets all uppity. In my humble view point, Jews are God's Chosen People, and while I don't agree with every theology point that the Jewish faith possesses, I still think highly of y'all! My Chiropractor/Doula is a Messianic Jew, and I LOVE spending time with her because I end up learning so much about my own religions background!
That sounds like a really tough situation if your husband isn't there to play his part. I'm lucky that my husband made it very, very clear to his family that if they weren't willing to accept me and treat me well, then they wouldn't be seeing either of us. Now when MIL wants to give me advice, she asks if I want to hear what she has to say- she doesn't try to be pushy and judgy anymore.
In your situation... I have to say that I'd probably suck it up and go, because it sounds like it's more for her than for you and she's probably doing a lot for you since you're on bedrest. I would see if you can mention to the neighbour to suggest to your MIL if a couple of your friends can be invited as well so you'll be a little more comfortable.
I'm sorry to hear about your mom being in the hospital and I hope that she'll be OK. When does your husband get home? I would definitely talk to him about setting some boundaries when the little one comes because the last thing you want is all your parenting decisions being second guessed.
This is what I would do. In the past I have done stuff on the premise of "standing my ground" only to later regret it and wish I hadn't made such a big deal about it. It's only one afternoon. Yes it may be ackward, but it will be over in a couple of hours and it will make your MIL happy knowing she participated in her grandbaby's arrival while you will score lots of presents.
This might even bring the two of you closer together, which in the long run is a very good thing. If you insist on not going, it will embarrass her in front of her friends and drive an even bigger wedge between the two of you.